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working on a personal essay
Alexys
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i need some ideas and critiques. Also I need some help with transitition ideas from my last paragraph to debate. and stuff 

"    Being raised in an Asian household, my parents were planning my life even before I was born. I was expected to become a nurse or lawyer and to marry into a good family. I was merely a puppet in my parents’ hands. It didn’t dawn on me as a child that my parents were discriminatory to the female sex. Born female, I was expected to do the more work, while my brother was expected far less and frankly, he wasn’t expected of much at all.
In sixth grade I finally stepped out of that thought bubble, realizing that my brother was already shaped into this mindset - I was outraged at him and my parents. The more I fought back; the more pointless this topic seemed to me.
The school was my only haven, where I could escape my parents’ expectations if I kept my grades up, but it was also one of my biggest insecurities. I didn’t want to be different from everyone else; I wanted to live the life most people live. Even though my life at home was far different than most, I found myself keeping to myself, not talking to anyone else. Quiet and as shy as I was I wanted to express myself, and I found myself doing that all the wrong ways. I found myself the center attention for all the wrong reasons; I was the class clown in a way. In a way, it was almost like rebelling.
My grades were dropping, especially in ELA where I could never really put my thoughts into words. And yet I was the center of attention, and I loved the feeling. It was my sister who picked me up and helped me get back on track. I picked my grades back up, and although I was still struggling with ELA, my sister and I were content. "
Alexys
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Josten
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bump !!
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Somsoc
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"my parents were planning my life even before I was born."

I think for this the passive voice would be better, to emphasize that your life was planned out before you were even born.

so maybe try: Being raised..., my life was planned out for me (by my parent) before I was even born.
the () part is optional, I think without would sound better, as I mentioned, to emphasize your point of not being in control.
Alexys
International star



Somsoc wrote:
"my parents were planning my life even before I was born."

I think for this the passive voice would be better, to emphasize that your life was planned out before you were even born.

so maybe try: Being raised..., my life was planned out for me (by my parent) before I was even born.
the () part is optional, I think without would sound better, as I mentioned, to emphasize your point of not being in control.
yeah i did that but my teacher told me to put it in present tense. ill change it :d ty !
Alexys
International star



Being raised in an Asian household, my life was already planned even before I was born. I was expected to become a nurse or lawyer and to marry into a good family. I was merely a puppet in my parents’ hands. It didn’t dawn on me as a child that my parents were discriminatory to the female sex. Born female, I was expected to do the more work, while my brother was expected far less and frankly, he wasn’t expected of much at all.

In sixth grade I finally stepped out of that thought bubble, realizing that my brother was already shaped into this mindset - I was outraged at him and my parents. The more I fought back; the more pointless this topic seemed to me.

School was my only haven, where I could escape my parents’ expectations if I kept my grades up, but it was also one of my biggest insecurities. I didn’t want to be different from everyone else; I wanted to live the life most people live. Even though my life at home was far different than most, I found myself keeping to myself, not talking to anyone else. Quiet and as shy as I was I wanted to express myself, and I found myself doing that all the wrong ways. I found myself the center attention for all the wrong reasons; I was the class clown in a way. In a way, it was almost like rebelling.

My grades were dropping, especially in ELA where I could never really put my thoughts into words. And yet I was the center of attention, and I loved the feeling. It was my sister who picked me up and helped me get back on track. I picked my grades back up, and although I was still struggling with ELA, my sister and I were content.


*update
Private
International star



What does ELA stand for?
Account deleted




Being raised in an Asian household, my life was already planned even before I was born.

~This is a little wordy, and you could be concise by just saying "before I was born."

. I was expected to become a nurse or lawyer and to marry into a good family.
~Again, you can be concise by saying "expected to become a nurse or lawyer, then marry into a good family"

It didn’t dawn on me as a child that my parents were discriminatory to the female sex. Born female, I was expected to do the more work, while my brother was expected far less and
frankly, he wasn’t expected of much at all.


~ My suggestion: As a female, I was expected to do more work while my brother was expected to do far less.

In sixth grade I finally stepped out of that thought bubble, realizing that my brother was already shaped into this mindset - I was outraged at him and my parents. The more I fought back; the more pointless this topic seemed to me.
~ and I realized that my brother was already shaped into this mindset and I became outraged.

I didn’t want to be different from everyone else; I wanted to live the life most people live.

~
Just a comma is fine here.

Even though my life at home was far different than most, I found myself keeping to myself, not talking to anyone else
~Get rid of the qualifier "far" for more concise writing, and instead try "I kept to myself and didn't talk"

Quiet and as shy as I was I wanted to express myself, and I found myself doing that all the wrong ways.

~I was quiet and shy, and I wanted to express myself.

I found myself the center attention for all the wrong reasons; I was the class clown in a way. In a way, it was almost like rebelling.

~Use a comma, get rid of the "in a way," since it is a qualifier, and is also repetitious since you use it right after. Then get rid of the almost as well.


My grades were dropping, especially in ELA where I could never really put my thoughts into words

~Use a comma, "My grades were dropping, especially in ELA, where I could never put my thoughts into words"


This is my line by line grammatical fix, lol. A qualifier, as I've mentioned, is a word that makes writing less specific and less concise, taking away meaning.
Account deleted




VintageBeauty wrote:
What does ELA stand for?

Its an English language learning class for people whose first language isn't English.
Account deleted




thenandmshow wrote:
Being raised in an Asian household, my life was already planned even before I was born.

~This is a little wordy, and you could be concise by just saying "before I was born."

. I was expected to become a nurse or lawyer and to marry into a good family.
~Again, you can be concise by saying "expected to become a nurse or lawyer, then marry into a good family"

It didn’t dawn on me as a child that my parents were discriminatory to the female sex. Born female, I was expected to do the more work, while my brother was expected far less and
frankly, he wasn’t expected of much at all.


~ My suggestion: As a female, I was expected to do more work while my brother was expected to do far less.

In sixth grade I finally stepped out of that thought bubble, realizing that my brother was already shaped into this mindset - I was outraged at him and my parents. The more I fought back; the more pointless this topic seemed to me.
~ and I realized that my brother was already shaped into this mindset and I became outraged.

I didn’t want to be different from everyone else; I wanted to live the life most people live.

~
Just a comma is fine here.

Even though my life at home was far different than most, I found myself keeping to myself, not talking to anyone else
~Get rid of the qualifier "far" for more concise writing, and instead try "I kept to myself and didn't talk"

Quiet and as shy as I was I wanted to express myself, and I found myself doing that all the wrong ways.

~I was quiet and shy, and I wanted to express myself.

I found myself the center attention for all the wrong reasons; I was the class clown in a way. In a way, it was almost like rebelling.

~Use a comma, get rid of the "in a way," since it is a qualifier, and is also repetitious since you use it right after. Then get rid of the almost as well.


My grades were dropping, especially in ELA where I could never really put my thoughts into words

~Use a comma, "My grades were dropping, especially in ELA, where I could never put my thoughts into words"


This is my line by line grammatical fix, lol. A qualifier, as I've mentioned, is a word that makes writing less specific and less concise, taking away meaning.

@Alexys 
Account deleted




Qualifiers and intensifiers are words or phrases that are added to another word to modify its meaning, either by limiting it (He was somewhat busy) or by enhancing it (The dog was very cute). Qualifiers can play an important role in your writing, giving your
reader clues about how confident you feel about the information you’re
presenting. In fact, “hedging” (as it is sometimes called) is an
important feature of academic writing, because academic writers need to
clearly indicate whether they think claims are certain, likely,
unlikely, or just false. But excessive use of qualifiers can make you
sound unsure of your facts; it can also make your writing too informal.

~Definition from the University of North Carolina
Private
International star



thenandmshow wrote:
VintageBeauty wrote:
What does ELA stand for?

Its an English language learning class for people whose first language isn't English.
You should spell it out what it means
whenever your writing something, even if it's only going to be seen by a teacher, you should always (as good practice) spell out abbreviated words in the beginning and abbreviate them later on
You have to think that your audience doesn't understand what you're saying and you have to explain more 
Account deleted




VintageBeauty wrote:
thenandmshow wrote:
VintageBeauty wrote:
What does ELA stand for?

Its an English language learning class for people whose first language isn't English.
You should spell it out what it means
whenever your writing something, even if it's only going to be seen by a teacher, you should always (as good practice) spell out abbreviated words in the beginning and abbreviate them later on
You have to think that your audience doesn't understand what you're saying and you have to explain more 

^^^^ Good advice.
Account deleted




@VintageBeauty I also really like your outfit!!!
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