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working on a personal essay
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Alexys wrote:
thenandmshow wrote:
Alexys wrote:
1-10 how do u think it is be completely honest. like if u were a high school what would u say ?

About your paper? I'd be inclined to believe what you wrote, especially considering that as your teacher, these papers are what gives me a glance into your personal life.
k ty for ur help be sure to see me tag u later lol
No problem! I look forward to reading it. :)
Private
International star



thenandmshow wrote:
@VintageBeauty I also really like your outfit!!!
Thank you ❤ 
You too c:
PatricaFox
National star



Alexys wrote:
i need some ideas and critiques. Also I need some help with transitition ideas from my last paragraph to debate. and stuff 

"    Being raised in an Asian household, my parents were planning my life even before I was born. I was expected to become a nurse or lawyer and to marry into a good family. I was merely a puppet in my parents’ hands. It didn’t dawn on me as a child that my parents were discriminatory to the female sex. Born female, I was expected to do the more work, while my brother was expected far less and frankly, he wasn’t expected of much at all.
In sixth grade I finally stepped out of that thought bubble, realizing that my brother was already shaped into this mindset - I was outraged at him and my parents. The more I fought back; the more pointless this topic seemed to me.
The school was my only haven, where I could escape my parents’ expectations if I kept my grades up, but it was also one of my biggest insecurities. I didn’t want to be different from everyone else; I wanted to live the life most people live. Even though my life at home was far different than most, I found myself keeping to myself, not talking to anyone else. Quiet and as shy as I was I wanted to express myself, and I found myself doing that all the wrong ways. I found myself the center attention for all the wrong reasons; I was the class clown in a way. In a way, it was almost like rebelling.
My grades were dropping, especially in ELA where I could never really put my thoughts into words. And yet I was the center of attention, and I loved the feeling. It was my sister who picked me up and helped me get back on track. I picked my grades back up, and although I was still struggling with ELA, my sister and I were content. "
I love it but try giving people more of a visual of what what the characters look like, the characteristic's, what the school looks like, your characters names,are the characters popular what are their friends like, etc.
Alexys
National star



@thenandmshow what do u think would be a good title for it. I dont want it to be too cheesy but something original and simple ^^
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Alexys wrote:
@thenandmshow what do u think would be a good title for it. I dont want it to be too cheesy but something original and simple ^^

Well, this is a personal essay... so, something that pertains to you. Maybe since you focus a lot on you speaking, you could call it "Finding My Voice," as silly as that sounds.
Account deleted




thenandmshow wrote:
Alexys wrote:
@thenandmshow what do u think would be a good title for it. I dont want it to be too cheesy but something original and simple ^^

Well, this is a personal essay... so, something that pertains to you. Maybe since you focus a lot on you speaking, you could call it "Finding My Voice," as silly as that sounds.
@Alexys What do you think?
Alexys
National star



thenandmshow wrote:
thenandmshow wrote:
Alexys wrote:
@thenandmshow what do u think would be a good title for it. I dont want it to be too cheesy but something original and simple ^^

Well, this is a personal essay... so, something that pertains to you. Maybe since you focus a lot on you speaking, you could call it "Finding My Voice," as silly as that sounds.
@Alexys What do you think?
i think it is great i actually used it ^^
Alexys
National star



Finding My VoiceBy Selina Li Being raised in an Asian household, my life was already planned before I was born. I was expected to become a nurse or lawyer, then to marry into a good family. I was merely a puppet in my parents’ hands. It didn’t dawn on me as a child that my parents were discriminatory to the female sex. As a female, I was expected to do more work while my brother was expected to do far less

In sixth grade I finally stepped out of that thought bubble, and I realized that my brother was already shaped into this mindset and I became outraged. The more I fought back, the more pointless this topic seemed to me.

School was my only haven, where I could escape my parents’ expectations if I kept my grades up, but it was also one of my biggest insecurities. I didn’t want to be different from everyone else; I wanted to live the life most people live. Even though my life at home was far different than most, I found myself keeping to myself, not talking to anyone else. I was quiet and shy, however, I wanted to express myself openly. Soon I found myself doing that all the wrong ways. I found myself the center attention for all the wrong reasons; I was the class clown. In a way, it was almost like rebelling my parents.

My grades were dropping, especially in ELA, where I could never really put my thoughts into words. And yet I was the center of attention, and I loved the feeling. It was my sister who picked me up and helped me get back on track. I picked my grades back up, and although I was still struggling with ELA, my sister and I were content.

Despite my quiet, shy nature, I found my outlet in public speaking. Being a part of the debate team helped me speak to other people- speak with other people about topics that are present today in our society. Topics that I would have never known about without debate, and things I would’ve never accomplished without it.

The transition wasn’t smooth, and in debate, I have had my ups and downs. At first, I didn’t know what to do or say, but I had a team and I couldn’t let them down. However, it seemed that whatever I put on paper won’t come out right. The words felt like rubber on my tongue, from mumbling to stuttering my speech was a mess. Tournament after tournament, my colleagues were all getting awards and I wasn’t, maybe I wasn’t cut out for public speaking after all.

It wasn’t after my coach talked to me that I realized that getting awards wasn’t what debate meant. I was stupid enough to think that the amount of awards you get proves your worth. Debate has given me a way to express myself, and it proved that practice really does make perfect. I finally found my voice.

@thenandmshow  sorry if it seems to end abruptly its just that i have to keep it under 500 words
Account deleted




Alexys wrote:
Finding My VoiceBy Selina Li Being raised in an Asian household, my life was already planned before I was born. I was expected to become a nurse or lawyer, then to marry into a good family. I was merely a puppet in my parents’ hands. It didn’t dawn on me as a child that my parents were discriminatory to the female sex. As a female, I was expected to do more work while my brother was expected to do far less

In sixth grade I finally stepped out of that thought bubble, and I realized that my brother was already shaped into this mindset and I became outraged. The more I fought back, the more pointless this topic seemed to me.

School was my only haven, where I could escape my parents’ expectations if I kept my grades up, but it was also one of my biggest insecurities. I didn’t want to be different from everyone else; I wanted to live the life most people live. Even though my life at home was far different than most, I found myself keeping to myself, not talking to anyone else. I was quiet and shy, however, I wanted to express myself openly. Soon I found myself doing that all the wrong ways. I found myself the center attention for all the wrong reasons; I was the class clown. In a way, it was almost like rebelling my parents.

My grades were dropping, especially in ELA, where I could never really put my thoughts into words. And yet I was the center of attention, and I loved the feeling. It was my sister who picked me up and helped me get back on track. I picked my grades back up, and although I was still struggling with ELA, my sister and I were content.

Despite my quiet, shy nature, I found my outlet in public speaking. Being a part of the debate team helped me speak to other people- speak with other people about topics that are present today in our society. Topics that I would have never known about without debate, and things I would’ve never accomplished without it.

The transition wasn’t smooth, and in debate, I have had my ups and downs. At first, I didn’t know what to do or say, but I had a team and I couldn’t let them down. However, it seemed that whatever I put on paper won’t come out right. The words felt like rubber on my tongue, from mumbling to stuttering my speech was a mess. Tournament after tournament, my colleagues were all getting awards and I wasn’t, maybe I wasn’t cut out for public speaking after all.

It wasn’t after my coach talked to me that I realized that getting awards wasn’t what debate meant. I was stupid enough to think that the amount of awards you get proves your worth. Debate has given me a way to express myself, and it proved that practice really does make perfect. I finally found my voice.

@thenandmshow  sorry if it seems to end abruptly its just that i have to keep it under 500 words
No, I understand! I'm on mobile so I can't do line by line edits, but I would suggest that you proofread once more. Proofreading is different than editing, and is usually just for grammar. In some sentences, you're missing a few words that complete them. The best way to see those mistakes is to read it aloud and listen for mistakes. Otherwise, it looks good!
Alexys
National star



Being raised in an Asian household, my life was already planned before I was born. I was expected to become a nurse or lawyer, then to marry into a good family. I was merely a puppet in my parents’ hands. It didn’t dawn on me as a child that my parents were discriminatory to the female sex. As a girl, I was expected to do more work while my brother was expected far less.In sixth grade, I finally stepped out of that thought bubble, and I realized that my brother was already shaped into this mindset and I became outraged. The more I fought back; the more pointless this topic seemed to me.The school was my only haven, where I could escape my parents’ expectations if I kept my grades up, but it was also one of my biggest insecurities. I didn’t want to be different from everyone else; I wanted to live the life most people live. Even though my life at home was far different than most, I found myself keeping to myself, not talking to anyone else. I was quiet and shy. However, I wanted to express myself openly. Soon I found myself doing that all the wrong ways. I found myself the center attention for all the wrong reasons; I was the class clown. In a way, it was almost like rebelling my parents. My grades were dropping, especially in ELA, where I could never really put my thoughts into words. And yet I was the center of attention, and I loved the feeling. It was my sister who picked me up and helped me get back on track. I picked my grades back up, and although I was still struggling with ELA, my sister and I were content. Despite my quiet, shy nature, I found my outlet in public speaking. Being a part of the debate team helped me speak to other people- speak with other people about topics that are present today in our society. Topics that I would have never known about without debate, and things I would’ve never accomplished without it. The transition wasn’t smooth, and in debate, I have had my ups and downs. At first, I didn’t know what to do or say, but I had a team, and I couldn’t let them down. However, it seemed that whatever I put on paper won’t come out right. The words felt like rubber on my tongue, from mumbling to stuttering my speech was a mess. Tournament after tournament, my colleagues were all getting awards, and I wasn’t, maybe I wasn’t cut out for public speaking after all. It wasn’t after my coach talked to me that I realized that getting awards wasn’t what debate meant. I was stupid enough to think that the amount of awards you get proves your worth. Debate has given me a way to express myself, and it showed that practice does make perfect. I finally found my voice.

---

I think i fixed all the noticable grammatical errors idk im pretty bad at grammar
Account deleted




Alexys wrote:
Being raised in an Asian household, my life was already planned before I was born. I was expected to become a nurse or lawyer, then marry into a good family. I was merely a puppet in my parents’ hands. It didn’t dawn on me as a child that my parents were discriminatory to the female sex. As a girl, I was expected to do more work while my brother was expected to do far less.In sixth grade, I finally stepped out of that thought bubble, and I realized that my brother was already shaped into this mindset and I became outraged. The more I fought back, the more pointless this topic seemed to me.The school was my only haven, where I could escape my parents’ expectations if I kept my grades up, but it was also one of my biggest insecurities. I didn’t want to be different from everyone else, I wanted to live the life most people live. Even though my life at home was far different than most, I found myself keeping to myself;  I was quiet and shy. However, I wanted to express myself openly. Soon, I found myself doing that in all the wrong ways. I found myself the center attention for all the wrong reasons; I was the class clown. In a way, it was like rebelling against my parents. My grades were dropping, especially in ELA, where I could never really put my thoughts into words. And yet I was the center of attention, and I loved the feeling. It was my sister who picked me up and helped me get back on track. I picked my grades back up, and although I was still struggling with ELA, my sister and I were content. Despite my quiet, shy nature, I found my outlet in public speaking. Being a part of the debate team helped me speak to other people about topics that are present today in our society, topics that I would have never known about without debate, and things I would’ve never accomplished without it. The transition wasn’t smooth, and in debate, I have had my ups and downs. At first, I didn’t know what to do or say, but I had a team, and I couldn’t let them down. However, it seemed that whatever I put on paper wouldn't come out right. The words felt like rubber on my tongue, from mumbling to stuttering, my speech was a mess. Tournament after tournament, my colleagues were all getting awards, and I wasn’t, and I thought that maybe I wasn’t cut out for public speaking after all. It wasn’t until after my coach talked to me that I realized that getting awards wasn’t what debate meant. I was stupid enough to think that the amount of awards you get proved your worth. Debate has given me a way to express myself, and it showed that practice does make perfect. I finally found my voice.

---

I think i fixed all the noticable grammatical errors idk im pretty bad at grammar
OK, I fixed a few of the ones that you missed and cleaned up the language some too.
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The bold is where I added words in for clarity, as well as changing some semi colons to regular commas.
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