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limbs' nest
Private
Youtube star



yyy i want a personal thread again sorry folks
its ok to reply if u want to for some reason

:(   <--- sad clown

general tw for the whole thread
Private
International star



I made a personal thread and I felt embarrassed by it but I still wont delete it because it is my child
Private
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this is so important & i love suf sm
from beachdeath on tumblr
Private
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ive gone 15 days without a panic attack !! waow
also havent taken oxazepam at all during this time

kinda amazed and.... proud almost. the last few months i've usually had panic attacks every couple of days/every day

though i have a feeling i'm probably gonna have one tomorrow bc the anxiety is building up and if i don't take the benzo that's just what's gonna happen. but it's ok i'm just glad that i had a lil break
Private
Popstar



pils pils pisl pisl pils pils pils sob sob sob 
Private
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wow i decided that i don't have any trauma and everything is normal and fine actually and guess what? this cured my dissociation instantly

i'm exaggerating for comical effect but actually,, i do feel better, it didn't go away completely but i feel a little more present at least. maybe denial is a good solution actually
Private
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yoooo oh fuck i think i mightve just figured this out
remember some time ago i joked about DID and it wasnt entirely a joke lmfao

well i talked to my psych nurse about it a couple months ago and she felt like it's not anything like that so i abandoned that thought. But when we talked about it i felt like she didn't really understand what i was talking about and i was also scared to tell her everything so i didn't. anyway i stopped thinking about it

and now i've been stuck in what i thought was just dissociation for 2 weeks. everything just feels weird, i don't recognize myself or my surroundings most of the time, my brain feels like it's turned off and totally apathetic and emotionless. 
but just now when i did that^ there was a shift. i started feeling different. more alive? more energetic, and my surroundings feel more real, but i still don't recognize myself in the mirror.

so..... i've been feeling like i was stuck in the state of mind from The Awful Times but maybe i literally was. 
because that apathy is from that time for sure and i never feel like that otherwise. whenever i get the apathy i feel like i'm regressing back to that.. mind. and today i was laying on my bed just intensely feeling Nothing, and now i realize it felt exactly the same as when i was holed up in my room at home back Then. AND recently i've had a really difficult/weird time with my memory and stuff, like i can't remember pretty much anything that happened in the recent past like february and shit. or like, i can remember if i look at concrete proof (like text messages etc) or maybe if i really try. but it feels like that was a different lifetime or just someone else. like... i know what happened but it didn't happen to ME. and nothing bad happened in fucking february. i've looked at the texts from back then and it's all happy stuff, all normal, good things. so why can't i remember? because it was a different 'me' present back then. 'february me' is the me i've been most of the time the past year or whatever, and now the past two weeks a 'me' from the past has been present and she can't properly access those memories. 

i thought this switching between states had stopped but i guess not. seems like i freakin switched to like 'Survival Dissociation me' for like two weeks nearly full time! i had little moments of feeling more normal but never fully switched over

and this has been happening for a while. since like november, that i remember. i didn't wanna take it seriously because it scares me but i can feel when a 'switch' happens. just a weird almost-physical feeling in my brain. sometimes i can stop it before it goes all the way. some states i can recognize and i kinda know how they work so it helps a little bit in dealing with how they react to things. no idea what the state that i'm in now is. obviously not 'normal me' since i don't recognize myself. something from the past? i don't know. but it's relieving that i can FEEL things again, that apathy is fucking dreadful.

it's probably really stupid to post this on here but whatever honestly. everyone on here already knows i'm crazy lol. 

anyway, it's not really DID. structural dissociation, yeah, but the 'states' or parts or whatever are not completely separated (not complete amnesia between states) and not, uhh, distinct enough to be multiple identities. like they don't all have names and totally different identities and stuff. i feel like it's just different parts of Me (as a whole person) that partially split off to compartmentalize the trauma and be able to deal with different situations etc
Jossiii
National star



yo I'm happy you're feeling things, it's both frightening and amazing. keep it up!! ur the best
Private
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jossiii wrote:
yo I'm happy you're feeling things, it's both frightening and amazing. keep it up!! ur the best
thank u!! i absolutely agree w/ that
Private
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this song makes me SO HAPPY!!!! i get like literally euphoric every time i listen 2 it, something about it just makes my brain feel rly good
Private
Princess of Pop



That long test.. I can relate ;;
Private
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desruct wrote:
That long test.. I can relate ;;

Private
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i'm scared to eat bc what if eating triggers a heart attack or i get poisoned by spoilt food or something
scared to move bc what if my spine is broken and if i move the wrong way i'll get paralyzed
scared to call the doctor because idk they will yell at me for doing the wrong things and being stupid and its just terrifying even saying things out loud
scared of my neighbors idk hearing noise from other apartments makes me panic, what if there's maintenance going on and they're gonna come to my apartment too and i just didn't find out before
scared that everyone has abandoned me or maybe they've died
scared to take my anxiety medicine because it gives me panic attacks and makes me think i'm dying
scared about my psychiatrist appointment on thursday bc what if he gets mad at me for being a stupid idiot like this
scared about changing medication bc side effects and what if it ruins my brain forever
scared to go outside
scared to call my family or text a friend bc something terrible will happen if i do
(but if i don't do anything and i don't talk to people things can't get any worse right so i should not do anything now becuse anything will cause something terrible to happen) 
scared to sleep because i'm worried my heart will stop when i fall asleep

feels like i'm in a horror movie 24/7 i'm shaking and terrified all the time and nothing helps
Private
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i'm scared about going home next week
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crying
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i kinda want to go inpatient
my psych nurse didn't have any appointments available again so i have to wait 2 weeks to see her & i hate when that happens because i get so unstable. it hasn't even been a week and i already briefly dipped into psychotic depression & went into a suicide crisis  and this happens so unpredictably that i can't like Reach Out Before it Gets Bad because it happens when the dissociative switches happen n i can't predict or stop those. 

idk if i went inpatient maybe they could figure out what the hell this dissociation thing is and like give me a diagnosis so i could get help for it maybe. bc as it is now i have no idea how i'm supposed to deal with it n it's so out of my control idk what i can do to keep myself safe
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