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Iheartdeftones88 
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BlogBelow are the last blogs of this player. You can also post comments or subscribe.
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| VP • Why I quit DT |
| Since a few months, I've been playing around with the idea of quitting the designer team. In my mind, I had a laundry list of reasons as to why it sucked so much to be a designer. Deep down, I know that most of the points are only issues, because I make them such. I could potentially get thicker skin to cope with the toxic aspect of the community and the job. I could start being more focussed on my own shit instead of caring about a whole community, not caring if they even want me to care about them. I could just be nothing more than someone who occasinally uploads a design or two to the system and not be involved anymore with anything on this site. But we all know that I just can't lay things to rest and love trying to fix it. Disclaimer: This blog may come off as whiny, petty, over-reactional and so much more. Well, sue me, I'm an emotional human. I don't post this, because I want people to feel compassion towards me and my cause. If you want to show someone compassion: Head to all the people out there designing and show them your love! I just want to give a full and elaborate reasoning as to why I quit the team. This is no spilling of tea, this is not meant to shame anyone (well, ok, maybe a few, you'll see) and this is certainly not meant to over-dramatise my experience. It is just that, my experience, my feelings and why I can't - for the sake of my mental health - keep doing the job. Hah, well, "job". Also, this is a lot to read, so buckle up, read in multiple seatings, skim through it, whatever you like best. Just be mindful that I might not reply to every comment, especially if the answer can be found in the blog or if I don't deem it worthy for me to react any further to it. The situation of the last months T h e s t r u g g l e o f b e i n g a t e a m e r First and foremost, being a teamer sucks terribly. I won't go into an extensive list with all the reasons as to why being a teamer is just setting yourself up for being disappointed, you can read all about it in my blog, linked here. That doesn't change that being a designer started to feel like a chore, mostly because of the second aspect of my situation: the few designers. T h e s t r u g g l e o n t h e G e r m a n s e r v e r Many of you know by now, that for the last couple of months, there have been only two badged designers on the German server. Jisatsu and I have been doing the bulk load of it for quite some time and I'm proud to say, that we rarely needed to get help from the other servers. Luckily, we also managed to get a few of our non-designers to help us out a few times (kudos to them, their work has been greatly appreaciated by VP overall and if they stick to it and ever want to be badged, I definitely see it happening in the future). Unfortunately, sometimes real life strikes and we can't give the time we usually do for VP. That was the case for Jisatsu since Halloween. Even though she didn't have to, she went ham and in a handfull of weeks worked her ass off in advance, to pump out Halloween content galore. (Please, send her all the appreciation for that dedication!) I'm not saying this to get a few seconds of compassion or some claps on our back for all the work we did. But speaking for myself, I can definitely say I worked myself into a slight burn-out because of how much we had to do. And if I say had to do, I'm talking about aspect three. T h e s t r u g g l e o f f e e l i n g r e s p o n s i b l e This is the reason why maybe having thicker skin and not giving a shit about all of you guys would maybe have ended in me already quitting DT about a year ago. I can definitely say, that for me, caring was one of the reasons I worked myself into this ditch. And I know, that Jisatsu often feels the same about this. We feel like we have a responsobility when it comes to the job. We can't just sit by and in good consciousness expect others to do the work we were scheduled to do. The three servers alternate who's responsible for what set what week and damn us if we didn't at least try to pull our weight. I know, many people said already, that we didn't have to work so much, that it's not our fault we are only two people trying to keep the ship afloat. Believe us, we know that too. Doesn't change much about the fact, that other servers and designers have issues as well and as long as we felt like we could pull it off, we sure as well wouldn't be dumping our responsibilities on the other servers on short notice. A quick glance over the last 4 months I hope you like math, because we're doing some statistics.  As you can see, during these 16 weeks, we managed to only need help from another server for 3 male sets and 1 female. On three weeks, non-designers helped us out with their sets and there have been two collab sets for females. This is not to show how amazing we are at overworking ourselves, but to give a point of reference for later. Because the lack of diversity when it comes to designers definitely is one of the reasons, why things "escalated". And it also shows the demands this game sets on its designers. Why I quit The reasons why I quite are many. Back in the beginning of november, I started the first step towards quitting: I wrote down a list of all the reasons, why I didn't want to be on the team anymore. To balance it all out, I wrote a list with all the reasons, why I like designing. And in the end, I went over every single point and evaluated it. The result was sobering to say the least.  This list certainly helped me a lot and I took nearly a month to contemplate on it. I know, that a bunch of the issues could be easily remedied. I could stay away from threads, where I set myself up for stupid comments like how the German server sucks, because we never design what some people want or because it's only just the same people and no variety (you have a point, I hate seeing my own name like 5 times in a row in the system as well, but ... do you maybe see a way to help out instead of bashing me for it?) or people thinking that comments like I never buy DM when it's the German server, it's never good or has too few items is a form of constructive cristicism and helpful in the least. C o n s t r u c t i v i s m , w e d o n ' t d o t h a t a r o u n d h e r e It doesn't help that these people try to backtrack that they love my designs the second they get confronted, you can actually dislike a designer and say it publicly, there's nothing wrong with that. Might not make you popular, but it's absolutely a right you have. But do you have to do it every single fucking week and keep drilling the point home, that you think they shouldn't be responsible for certain sets? Just as an idea on why I think this site can be utterly toxic. Some people feel so ignored or so important, that they don't think their point has been properly put out if it doesn't get 100 comments. So hey, better post it again and keep whining with the same people how again this week was the world's biggest disappointment, because you didn't get a set from the designer you like most despite knowing full well, that you never would have, because that designer does not design for the German server. (Yes, I'm worked up right now, it just ... let's just say, after many many many months of being confronted with this and no one batting an eye - no mod, rarely a fellow designer, certainly no other user - or thinking that maybe, just maybe, I'm a person with feelings, I kinda am losing my cool, especially when me confronting people only results in them mocking me and then outbursts of like, that I can't even take serious. It just gets to you. I know I should lay these things to rest, especially as they help no one, but for the sake of honesty, I feel like I need to adress them.) W h o d o I e v e n w o r k f o r ? I definitely could stay away from that toxic part of VP. But I don't design so I can wear my own stuff (even if that has become quite a running gag on the German server). I design because I want to make the users happy. I may be a nasty bitch most of the time, but deep down I'm a people pleaser. Which is why I have made quite a few sets because people asked me to and not because I liked the idea that much. But people wanted these things to be designed and if no one else does it, well I sure as hell can at least try to satisfy? It's also one of the reasons, why I started to put in way more care into my male designs for the last weeks, than I did for the females. The females can take a less well put together design for once. But the males certainly shouldn't be the first to suffer from this AGAIN. If I don't give a flying shit about what people want or what they think I could do better (and yes, I'm very much aware that me being badged on the German server is a valid point that impacts my design skills and style a lot and thus is something I should definitely work on - this is sarcasm, I'm really pissed off now), then I don't see a point in being a badged designer. If I'm not badged, I owe no one anything. I can do what I want and I certainly don't have to check what people think is missing or what peopel would love to wear. I can just be me in my tiny bubble with those people I like getting comments from. Not just love comments and compliments, but people who actually help me become a better designer and care about me and my progress as much as they care about my designs. U l t i m a t e l y So, yeah, in the end I got angry, I got frustrated, I felt a whole lot of things. Mostly I didn't feel like even half of the work I put into it is really that appreciated. I don't need people to throw parades in my name, far from it. I know, that many of the people I work for really appreciate what I do, even if they might not be so vocal about it. I know, that I am wanted as a designer and especially in my purpose that I felt as a designer. But truth be told, most of these rules were self-imposed. Me helping other people with their designs and trying to write VP's biggest and extensive design guide is nothing that really relates to my work as a designer. Being a badged designer just means having to meet deadlines. It's not even about quality anymore, despite how much we might think otherwise. It's good, that we as designers try to hold ourselves accountable for the quality we put out, we definitely need to. But it is us making the rules. And after all was said and done ... I realised that all those things I did, all those things that people remember me over other designers, are things I don't have to be a designer to help with anymore. I don't need to to be badged to help you design better. I don't need to be badged to help you believe in yourself. I don't need to be badged to make good designs - there's so many people out there proving this every single week. So I took the leap, finished my must-do for december, talked with Jisatsu and Voldemort and handed in my letter of resignation. This was two weeks ago and I haven't regretted my decision even a single bit. Finding myself W e l c o m e s e l f - h a t r e d , I s e e y o u ' r e h e r e t o s t a y I feel like an utter asshole for quitting the DT. I know that all my points are valid reasons and that I have nothing to feel but pride for the work I did and my dedication and the evolution I accomplished. But deep down, I hate myself for not being able to keep it up anymore and letting Jisatsu handle all of this by herself and nothing will ever change how I feel about this. Even though she understands me, most of you will understand me and many people have already told me, that I have no reason at all to feel this shitty about it ... I have been in her position quite a few times so far and as happy as I was for the other designers to find inner peace, find joy in their life and being honest about their feelings, no matter how much I rejoiced in their new-found happiness, I know the dread of knowing that this is the point where you're kinda by yourself and it all falls back on you. You will be responsible for not having enough sets. You will be responsible for not making deadlines. You will be responsible for trying to push the number of sets and cutting the number of items to get the work done. You will be responsible for the lack of quality, if you get stressed out and lose your head. And you will definitely be responsible, if you can't do your work and have others do it for you, because you can't keep up with the quite frankly unrealistic expectations. Boy, this got dark, but like I said, I probably just care too much about it all. P r i d e a n d a s e n s e o f a c c o m p l i s h m e n t Don't feel bad about me. When I look back at my design career, I definitely do so with pride and a sense of accomplishment. I was badged in september 2016 and it has been fantastic 3 years. I learned so much, I got to experiment and find myself, I got to change things, I got to make people happy and dammit, if this hasn't been the best of it all, then I don't know what else could be. Being a designer was magical and I loved nearly every minute of it. I know, that I have my small army of fans and an even bigger group of people who appreciate me for the work I did. And I am so happy for every single one of them and can't thank them enough for all the uplifting they did. I know, that I still have so much to work on. God knows my skin may look better, but they still are kind of a mess. Same goes for most of the hair and nearly all of the shoes. Honestly, there's so much I still feel like I need to keep working on - and I will! But hey, people like Picasso. I'm not knocking it, if you think I do a great job at something. Self-doubt is what pushes me to become better and ultimately we all get to profit off of it. What does the future bring? If you like my designs, you might be glad to hear this. Even though I quit my designer job, I won't quit designing. As long as I can have fun making designs, I will continue. Being not badged anymore (or well, not badged come january 1st), I will have the time to work on my passion projects. And boy, you'll be loving them! At least I hope, especially when it comes to the male user community. I can finally work on the shop overhaul project I had in mind for so long. Literally, over a year of planning and writing lists and compiling inspo and I never truly had the time. So for the foreseable future, I will be going a bit slower when it comes to designing. I will be making single items for most of it, themed to match the season. I will also work on getting most of these things in the shops. I hope neither Voldemort nor the other designers will be mad at me for not wanting to help out with the usual VP sets anymore. I just want to have the time to work on stuff at my own speed and not being faced with 10 deadlines the second I log in. I hope you're up for the ride. So far, half of the winter update for females are done, I will be remaking a bunch of them for males too and maybe we can start january with some warm and cozy items, before I can focus on a lingerie collection, that I have been dreaming to make since I became a designer back in 2016. But I certainly won't hold myself to deadlines anymore and I will only care about the opinions of those people, that I value and appreciate and I won't give a shit about maybe neglecting some people and their wishes. (There she is, the egocentrical snarky bitch we usually associate with my name. Baby, I'm back!) |
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