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Claire wrote:
i skipped a funeral once because i was mad at the person for committing suicide. i'd never do that again because once the anger went away i realized i'd missed an important chance for goodbyes. but it was the right thing at the time for me to not go. i wasn't mature enough to handle it at that time.

i'm sure you did what was the right thing for you to do at the time and the experience has changed you. i don't see any use in being ashamed of the younger version of you who did the best she could with the knowlege she had at the time.

MissLondon wrote:
I'm ashamed of not being there for someone/not telling them goodbye. 

I was fresh out of school and it was my first nursing job. Working oncology, there are patients that you see/treat frequently and unless you're dead inside, you do care about them. 
Mrs E was one of those blessed with the charm that sucks people in. Everybody loved her and no matter where I was assigned, if she was on the floor, I didn't leave without stopping to chat and say hello. 
Over the course of months of treatments, I got to know her pretty well. When things took a turn for the worse, I began to distance myself because I was afraid... and I thought I had to be the ultimate professional... controlled and no tears. When her time was near, and she was still conscious, everyone made their way in to say goodbye but I didn't. 
I suppose it was a coping mechanism at the time but it doesn't make me feel any better. 

Crawk wrote:
having at one point wished my mom wasn't alive because i couldn't bare to see all her suicide attempts

i'm rly ashamed for ever wishing that and i love her more than anything, she is literally the reason i haven't tried to commit anything myself
but those years where all of that happened, was a total mess and the constant worry of her once again trying got me to a point where i felt i didn't want to have to worry 24/7

Anachronism wrote:
Very relatable


I used to hate my mom for her violent outbursts and suicide attempts and substance abuse 

I used to feel guilty I ever felt that way but now I understand I was just a kid. My needs werent meant and I was put through things I couldn't handle. It was an understandable response honestly. 

I'm understanding I have more resources to cope than i did as a teen. I'm no longer angry but I really did have a reason to be because I wasnt able to care for myself at that time. I just wanted to blame my mom because I didn't have the hindsight or maturity to understand the situation... but now I realize she isnt the one to blame. 

Dont be hard on yourself dude. Growing up w/ a mentally ill parent is rough and you absolutely care about her if u feel guilty at all for how you felt. 

Crawk wrote:
sorry to hear u went through similar stuff ! it's not easy

i remember quite early on having to take responsibility for my brothers so they would wake up, eat, go to school and all that so i guess my wish stemmed also from my own needs not having been met either
n well i was rly angry because i literally had to be the mom to my brothers over and over again because none of us could count on her being in the right mindset

totally understandable tho! considering it was something no child should have to go through
i'm glad u have realized stuff, it's a good way to start working on yourself!

i've been working on it over the years so it's absolutely going in the right direction! 
also, it turned out i have the same diagnosis as her so in a way we have grown closer because of it
it could've ended rly bad for me but i guess i'm "lucky" it was discovered before anything rly major happened 
my mom was actually the one who said she suspected me to have it and it turned out to be true, so hadn't it been for her i'd prolly either 1. be dead or 2. very unwell
now in hindsight i can see why it went as it did and i know the mindset, to a certain point in regards to relating to the same struggles n diagnosis
we have forgiven each other and talked abt it all n i'm happy things are great for the both of us

Anachronism wrote:
Yeah your parents are supposed to take care of you, not the other way around. Therefore it's reasonable to be angry, though I think I should have been angry at things that were not my mother's mental illness you know? But at least I know that now.  I was very judgmental of my mom, but at least I'm realizing the true cause of things (e.g. our mental health system, the war on drugs, her enablers) which is more than I could say ten years ago.

I'm glad you guys have a healthy relationship now! My relationship with my mom is a work in progress but its certainly improved. 

What was the diagnosis if you dont mind me asking?

Crawk wrote:
i feel u on that! but as a kid it's hard knowing what is what and that they can't decide what their mental illness chooses to do,, it's quite tricky and complex
well ofc now that i'm 21 i do understand how things came about and i'm not mad at her in the slightest, but at the time it was hard for me seeing that she didn't do it on purpose 

i'm lucky it's this good, couldn't have asked for anything better! ngl!
i'm glad to hear that, i hope it continues to improve for the both of u <3

bipolar! she has type 1 and mine is not specified although i showed more symptoms of type 2
but yeah it has made us connect with each other on a whole 'nother level so in a way i'm thankful for having it because it has made me understand her struggles way better

Anachronism wrote:
Yeah I feel u on all of that. Certainly nothing to be ashamed of. You were a kid after all. You've grown as a person and have a better insight on the situation at least. I know what it's like to raise siblings.... not easy man. 

Arent diagnoses validating? 

My mom had a history of bipolar diagnoses but was recently diagnosed borderline. I know bipolar and bpd can be comorbid but I think the bipolar was a misdiagnosis and she was bpd all along. It explains everything and makes me realize I was never taught how to cope w/ emotions in a healthy way cuz my mom doesn't know how to do that herself.