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Growing up w/ dysfunctional parents
Anachronism
National star



C4TH3DR4L wrote:
My dad would always yell at me, be angry about everything, super strict, and bodyshame me. So I grew up feeling scared and and anxious around him. We have an ok relationship today, sometimes he is the sweetest and most kind guy ever but he gets incredibly moody and can be an asshole lol.

My mom has bipolar type 1 and had manic episodes when I was a kid and during one of them she met a guy and she got this idea in her head to allow him to molest me. She also didn't clean any clothes and weren't capable of taking care of us in general, for example making sure we got food all the time and drive us to school.

I used to think I had a good relationship with my mom but I've come to realise how awful of a mom she was and it probably sound super abvous to others but she was also the only one who had genuine care and sympathy but was ''just'' severly ill and psychotic and manic due to her illness. I really clinged to that for dear life in order to cope because I had nothing and no-one else. She's also been relatively stable for many years now but she's like.... very easily stressed which can be annoying as hell but I try to be patient because I know she's fragile. I get kind of sick giving her hugs which is funny because for the longest time I thought she was the only one I felt ok getting hugs from. Denial is comical wtf

I've been in therapy since I was 14 which is 10 years now but only recent years have I felt any noticable benefits from it. I probably wasn't ready enough to deal with any of it until like 2019 where I got so exhausted because I lived with my uncle and aunt who turned out to treat me like shit and I got so fed up and moved to live alone and it was a really good decision. I needed to get away from so much and now I feel more strong and confident in myself and ready to heal. I want to mend the relationships in my life but for many of them I feel like it is a lost cause. Most of my family is just straight up garbage. My dads drunk uncle who cut off my fingertip with nail clippers once on accident is ironically enough the only one who was genuinly kind.

Sorry this got a bit long
My mom is bipolar I and has a history of abusing alcohol, opiates, cocaine and amphetamines. I mean I get it I used to drink a lot to numb my depression, it happens, its up to you to decide tho that you're fucking your life up and to learn to cope in an adult way. But she really downplays how much of a problem the drugs are and denies being obviously bipolar so that's on her, I can only take her mental breakdowns so much until I burn out though. I've tried getting her help, it is up to her at this point. 

Yeah living on your own makes a huge difference. I was able to mend my relationship with my mom but we have boundaries now. Moving out helped with that. Also finding older mentors can fill the void, I'm super close to my half sisters fathers side of the family and they're like the parents I never had. 

I'm glad you're benefiting in therapy. Finding a good therapist is a pain tbh
Lean
Streetmusician



i should have guessed u made this thread.
but uhm i have a lot to say on this subject even though i don't talk about it much.
my mom has ptsd, unresolved trauma, adhd, and possibly autism? and it was.... a lot being raised by her and a lot being her daughter still as an adult. i often feel like i'm parenting her rather than the other way around.
Private
World famous



Anachronism wrote:
Barbarella wrote:
Anachronism wrote:
Damn 

I've wished my mom would die of an overdose so many times lol 

She called me today whining about mold causing her to relapse or something and whining that all her physicals turn out fine and she keeps being labelled bipolar and I'm like... what? 

I've done my best I think shes a lost cause 
Yeah those excuses sound all too familiar. 
I feel like my mom is a lost cause, too - and honestly, so does my therapist. 
Ugh its really unfortunate but it be like that 

She at least is applying for hud housing and trying to get out of her apartment, which is a big trigger because of all the junkies and alcoholics living in there. 
My experience has been mom does a small thing to better herself, and then thinks thats "good enough"
it's like she wants us to think she's trying, so she does just enough to make herself look good, or to feel better about herself
Private
Popstar



My parents are mentally ill but they've been ill long before i was born so it's just the norm for me and doesn't affect me that much, at least not consciously. I've always had a good relationship with my dad but my mom is a difficult person so i just took a break from her after high school and a couple years ago we started talking again and now we get along really well. During the break I got some time for myself, moved to a different city and accepted that she's gotten a lot worse and probably won't ever get better. I think the distance between us made a big difference since now I'm not assumed to be her caretaker anymore and can finally focus on my own life.
Private
International star



never cared for the dude my mom made me with and just cut him off as early as it was possible, ~9-12. no negative or positive feelings

as for my mom, i'm still working on it and feel conflicted about a lot of things. i haven't talked to her apart from 3 short texts since the start of the year and would like to keep it that way. i feel much happier without her and probably won't even tell her when i'm back in finland. it really hit me how bad she is as a mom when my bf said he's not sure if he wants to meet her (i'm meeting his dad this fall so i asked if he wants to meet my mom too sometime)

i think cutting off the toxic parent/-s, at least until they get better, is often the best solution and also puts more pressure on them to better themselves
Anachronism
National star



Barbarella wrote:
Anachronism wrote:
Barbarella wrote:
Yeah those excuses sound all too familiar. 
I feel like my mom is a lost cause, too - and honestly, so does my therapist. 
Ugh its really unfortunate but it be like that 

She at least is applying for hud housing and trying to get out of her apartment, which is a big trigger because of all the junkies and alcoholics living in there. 
My experience has been mom does a small thing to better herself, and then thinks thats "good enough"
it's like she wants us to think she's trying, so she does just enough to make herself look good, or to feel better about herself
My mom is more... stubborn 

If she makes a mistake or doesnt jive with certain boundaries or rules she gets defiant and has some kind of excuse 

Idk it's so frustrating when you love someone but they dont do shit to change right?
Anachronism
National star



lean wrote:
i should have guessed u made this thread.
but uhm i have a lot to say on this subject even though i don't talk about it much.
my mom has ptsd, unresolved trauma, adhd, and possibly autism? and it was.... a lot being raised by her and a lot being her daughter still as an adult. i often feel like i'm parenting her rather than the other way around.
Yeah maybe I'm just immature or a wholesome gal but I really love my parents and grandparents and extended family in general 

I wanted a mentor, and someone I could share my life with as it changed with time and shes not that at all, feel like a parent too, like I keep contact to keep tabs on her tbh 

I'm grateful my sister has a cool af step mom who can play that role 
Anachronism
National star



autism wrote:
My parents are mentally ill but they've been ill long before i was born so it's just the norm for me and doesn't affect me that much, at least not consciously. I've always had a good relationship with my dad but my mom is a difficult person so i just took a break from her after high school and a couple years ago we started talking again and now we get along really well. During the break I got some time for myself, moved to a different city and accepted that she's gotten a lot worse and probably won't ever get better. I think the distance between us made a big difference since now I'm not assumed to be her caretaker anymore and can finally focus on my own life.
I relate very much to this. When I lived on my own for the first time I cut my mom off for a year, and it substantially improved our relationship. She understood boundaries need to be in place or we wont be talking anymore. 

We live in different cities now, and I wont have it any other way. Distance is key, you nailed it. And yes,putting your own life first, I used to live through her, now I live for myself, it took me a long time to learn to stand up for myself and say no but it was worth it 

Private
World famous



my mom is a benzo addict, growing up with her was absolute hell. Like I had to take care of her since I was like.. 9? I also had to take care of the house. So my school suffered and I got shitty diagnoses for my adulthood cause of childhood trauma :)

Now we're in pretty ok terms, like we talk daily and if she's messed up (which is nowadays rare) i just hang up the phone. I'm tired of yelling at her, i've had to do that all my life.
Private
World famous



my relationship w my parents are better now than when i was young. mainly because i don't give a shit anymore.
if my dad continues to drink, well sure, i'll bully him for it.
Anachronism
National star



acidreflux wrote:
my relationship w my parents are better now than when i was young. mainly because i don't give a shit anymore.
if my dad continues to drink, well sure, i'll bully him for it.
Eh I never ever bully my mom for her shit, because then she'll lie and I want to keep her trust so she'll remain honest 

I've definitely set boundaries tho and stand up for myself which I never used to do
Private
Popstar



my parents are severe alcoholics and used to hang out with shitty people, but when they're sober they're very sweet, so my relationship with them can be condensed to "mixed feelings"
when i lived with them i used to isolate myself in my room and keep the door locked whenever it sounded like things were getting out of hand. sometimes i was too afraid to go downstairs and get some food, thinking they might be fighting. child protection services were called on us twice but those had little effect on their behavior

you can't fix an alcoholic when they don't wanna be fixed, but i still sometimes join them whenever they go on trips around the country; provided they promise me they won't drink
Private
World famous



Anachronism wrote:
acidreflux wrote:
my relationship w my parents are better now than when i was young. mainly because i don't give a shit anymore.
if my dad continues to drink, well sure, i'll bully him for it.
Eh I never ever bully my mom for her shit, because then she'll lie and I want to keep her trust so she'll remain honest 

I've definitely set boundaries tho and stand up for myself which I never used to do
i'm more understanding abt my mom but my dad? he can kill himself for that matters.
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