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General < General
big ol' rant (tw)
SiXsiXsiX
Princess of Pop



siXsiXsiX wrote:
tw - mental health

my mood came crashing down again. i'm not terrible, but i'm low, and it's about to get worse in the next few days

i was having such a great week.. lotsa energy. such a fucking warmth in my heart n soul n just happy to be alive. and every aspect of life was so beautiful, all the bad too. so so happy. laughing at the smallest things. i felt close to my feelings.. and quick to show. and they were intense. anger and happiness

these moments are the best. but they are rare and the don't last long

now the other side of the coin it's creeping in on me. yesterday i ran out of energy. i'm dull. i feel shut off from my mind and feelings. like i'm absent and it runs on auto-pilot. i'm not the same person today. i live in a different mindstate. which i have no control of. meditating, being mindful and thinking positive doesn't help. these things just live their own life, i'm just here to follow along


my aunt says i need to listen to my body. give it the rest it is asking for
to pause and tell my friends or w/e, i can't do this or that atm
but i don't want to have to do that. i want to still be able to hang with friends, to function in the daily life, do all the little things.. like putting away a plate.. i don't want my mind to hold me back and always be such a big obstacle
because i really want to go out. and i want to see my friends. and i want to study. or work. i don't want to miss out on life. but i'm low
and it's not so easy to just push through it and go on like everything is the same.. i try but it's not the solution and it doesn't make me any better.. 

i don't want my life to be this way
i'm sure it won't be like this forever. well. i'm sure i wont be completely free from it, but it will get easier and i'll learn to cope with it
everything cannot be changed. some things you must accept the way they are. and i do
but i don't want my life to start when i'm 40. i don't want to have missed out on half of my life and spent it being miserable

and don't worry about this part. i won't act on it, even if the urges are strong. it goes agianst my beliefs
but i'd feel so good if i could end it. not right now. next time i'm in my high. that would be a good time to go. or else i'm afraid my sorrow would trap me in between life and death
like all these ghosts u hear about, still here from the 18th century and so on. when do they ever move on? are they stuck here forever? that's my worst fear. that's my only fear

i'mtired
19
Posts: 8713
Date: 26-05-2018 13:38
SiXsiXsiX
Princess of Pop



siXsiXsiX wrote:
i can't even find my words to express myself
19
Posts: 8713
Date: 26-05-2018 13:41
SiXsiXsiX
Princess of Pop



siXsiXsiX wrote:
i hate feeling invisible
and like life is just happening right infront of me
everyone elses. but not mine. i'm just a bystander, all i can do is watch
19
Posts: 8713
Date: 26-05-2018 13:50
Bloodflowers
Popstar



Bloodflowers wrote:
i feel u
sometimes i'm so fucking happy and everything is so great and amazing then suddenly i just come crashing down for no reason and it sucks
and all u can really do is to wait it out i hate it
17
Posts: 28905
Date: 26-05-2018 13:54
SiXsiXsiX
Princess of Pop



siXsiXsiX wrote:
Paramore wrote:
i feel u
sometimes i'm so fucking happy and everything is so great and amazing then suddenly i just come crashing down for no reason and it sucks
and all u can really do is to wait it out i hate it
i know. and it sucks that it has to be this way
it does so much damage. i can't maintain a job or keep the motivation to actively search for one.. or anything
when i hit the shits, everything i've built up in my good days goes to waste.. all my work is flushed away. and then i have to start over from scratch again. i'm not going anywhere.. i keep building and tearing down the same pile over and over again
19
Posts: 8713
Date: 26-05-2018 14:01
Bloodflowers
Popstar



Bloodflowers wrote:
siXsiXsiX wrote:
Paramore wrote:
i feel u
sometimes i'm so fucking happy and everything is so great and amazing then suddenly i just come crashing down for no reason and it sucks
and all u can really do is to wait it out i hate it
i know. and it sucks that it has to be this way
it does so much damage. i can't maintain a job or keep the motivation to actively search for one.. or anything
when i hit the shits, everything i've built up in my good days goes to waste.. all my work is flushed away. and then i have to start over from scratch again. i'm not going anywhere.. i keep building and tearing down the same pile over and over again
same
and because i have periods when I am fine I'm expected to be able to keep up a regular 8 hour job so I don't get stuff like welfare money or anything
17
Posts: 28905
Date: 26-05-2018 14:09
SiXsiXsiX
Princess of Pop



siXsiXsiX wrote:
Paramore wrote:
siXsiXsiX wrote:
Paramore wrote:
i feel u
sometimes i'm so fucking happy and everything is so great and amazing then suddenly i just come crashing down for no reason and it sucks
and all u can really do is to wait it out i hate it
i know. and it sucks that it has to be this way
it does so much damage. i can't maintain a job or keep the motivation to actively search for one.. or anything
when i hit the shits, everything i've built up in my good days goes to waste.. all my work is flushed away. and then i have to start over from scratch again. i'm not going anywhere.. i keep building and tearing down the same pile over and over again
same
and because i have periods when I am fine I'm expected to be able to keep up a regular 8 hour job so I don't get stuff like welfare money or anything
it's fucking stupid. have you seen a doctor or a psychiatrist or something..? 
i live on 900kr a month atm. i can't even buy food for the whole month??
19
Posts: 8713
Date: 26-05-2018 14:17
Bloodflowers
Popstar



Bloodflowers wrote:
siXsiXsiX wrote:
Paramore wrote:
siXsiXsiX wrote:
i know. and it sucks that it has to be this way
it does so much damage. i can't maintain a job or keep the motivation to actively search for one.. or anything
when i hit the shits, everything i've built up in my good days goes to waste.. all my work is flushed away. and then i have to start over from scratch again. i'm not going anywhere.. i keep building and tearing down the same pile over and over again
same
and because i have periods when I am fine I'm expected to be able to keep up a regular 8 hour job so I don't get stuff like welfare money or anything
it's fucking stupid. have you seen a doctor or a psychiatrist or something..? 
i live on 900kr a month atm. i can't even buy food for the whole month??
i've been in the psych system since i was 13 and have been inpatient a lot, and i have a certificate from a doctor saying that I can't work
but appariently that's not enough
that's so little wth, luckily i get money for food and i get a little pocket money but when you're almost 19 and live in own apartment and with a cat i don't feel like it's enough
i feel like there isn't enough help for people who aren't mentally well
17
Posts: 28905
Date: 26-05-2018 14:23
SiXsiXsiX
Princess of Pop



siXsiXsiX wrote:
Paramore wrote:
siXsiXsiX wrote:
Paramore wrote:
same
and because i have periods when I am fine I'm expected to be able to keep up a regular 8 hour job so I don't get stuff like welfare money or anything
it's fucking stupid. have you seen a doctor or a psychiatrist or something..? 
i live on 900kr a month atm. i can't even buy food for the whole month??
i've been in the psych system since i was 13 and have been inpatient a lot, and i have a certificate from a doctor saying that I can't work
but appariently that's not enough
that's so little wth, luckily i get money for food and i get a little pocket money but when you're almost 19 and live in own apartment and with a cat i don't feel like it's enough
i feel like there isn't enough help for people who aren't mentally well
wtf. how can a doctors words not be legitimate enough??
försäkringskassan should give me atleast the minimum. i'm 21.. idkk what's wrong. i'm gonna have to call them someday
sounds sorta decent to me, if you get it to go around every month with a little left for pocket money aswell
no
19
Posts: 8713
Date: 26-05-2018 14:34
Bloodflowers
Popstar



Bloodflowers wrote:
siXsiXsiX wrote:
Paramore wrote:
siXsiXsiX wrote:
it's fucking stupid. have you seen a doctor or a psychiatrist or something..? 
i live on 900kr a month atm. i can't even buy food for the whole month??
i've been in the psych system since i was 13 and have been inpatient a lot, and i have a certificate from a doctor saying that I can't work
but appariently that's not enough
that's so little wth, luckily i get money for food and i get a little pocket money but when you're almost 19 and live in own apartment and with a cat i don't feel like it's enough
i feel like there isn't enough help for people who aren't mentally well
wtf. how can a doctors words not be legitimate enough??
försäkringskassan should give me atleast the minimum. i'm 21.. idkk what's wrong. i'm gonna have to call them someday
sounds sorta decent to me, if you get it to go around every month with a little left for pocket money aswell
no
I have no idea tbh, they said the reasons the doctors had written weren't good enough...
I'm going to "överklaga" now but I probably have to try to get it next year too
Since January this year Försäkringskassan has become more strict, something about the rules idk

Thing is that "pocket money" still goes because I need to pay for stuff like phone etc. And if markus needs to go to the vet what do i even do u know. My phone is breaking, my computer is almost dead, I now can't finish my dog day care education, + i pay for basically everything you need in a home. The rest goes to stuff I wanna do in my freetime u know having a life but i've been cutting down on the money for food to atleast save something
u probably have it worse tho but still
Just makes me bitter when I know someone who says he "doesn't wanna work" and has no real struggles that stops him from that either that gets full Aktivitetsersättning that he buys videogames and pizza with

fuck försäkringskassan actually they're shit
17
Posts: 28905
Date: 26-05-2018 14:53
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