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Private
World Famous

bones wrote:

Suchomimus wrote:

bones wrote:
i remember one of the things you said was that you dont have romantic feelings towards her and it's unfair to her. do you still feel this way, and how did she feel about that? i know you had a talk about things you ~do~ in a relationship vs friendship, but what about the feelings? you felt like she was missing out, but did she tell you she was missing those romance things, physical affection, all that?

this is the problem because i really don't know what romance is other than some kind of feeling of intent maybe???
she was of the opinion last night that maybe romance isnt even really a thing and it's all just a performance and that maybe romance for her is just... commitment? and being completely open and unmasked with someone?
i know that i do love her though

just.. idk

no that is fair. and communication about that is very important. i agree with her about intent and commitment. super super dumbed down and generalized romance is friendship but more intense but it's really hard to ~feel~ that when you're already struggling with social feelings

i mean im a people fearing demisexual who doesnt feel like he's missing out by being single so that shit's hard to me too! but if you can talk about all that stuff together that's amazing, defo has not been the case in my relationships LOL.

anyways. don't rush any decisions right now!! things you should think and talk through first:
would you be sacrificing or giving something up by getting back together - would you have to do things you aren't comfortable with, things that dont come naturally to you and would have to force?
what is really making you emotional and wanting to get back together? is it fear and guilt of letting other people down, or is it regret and fear of possibly making the wrong decision? be very careful to analyze how much of it comes from wanting to please others.
what would you end up regretting?

hmm
National Star

hmm wrote:
i think wanting to work on these things in the first place is a very good first step, and perhaps i'm just inexperienced but working on it whilst in a relationship together seems like it'd make things too volatile.. it's not entirely impossible but. seems a bit too soon

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Suchomimus wrote:

devilcake wrote:

Suchomimus wrote:
I UPDATED FIRST POST!

also i am off work now and found notebook

notebook basically says:
i think we might be romantically incompatible,
i don't think i am meeting her needs,
i don't like when she wants me to stay for longer than i want to,
she overcompensates when she's not feeling appreciated (and i don't like it),
i think she would be happier without me,
i think being with me causes her negative emotions,
i want her to find happiness in herself and not need external validation

i also wrote in the notebook some stuff she said to me during a phone call about how she feels,she feels like:
she makes all the decisions about everything and she wants me to make decisions more,
she feels that she is not enough and also too much at the same time,
she knows that she overcompensates when she's not feeling appreciated,
she is missing physical affection from me (that i used to give),
she feels like a burden

i know these are all bad things... but are they not things that can be worked on if we communicated better?

If another veeper had expressed these things would you encourage them to work on it?

i think i would, yes

Private
Youtube Star

devilcake wrote:

Suchomimus wrote:

devilcake wrote:

Suchomimus wrote:
I UPDATED FIRST POST!

also i am off work now and found notebook

notebook basically says:
i think we might be romantically incompatible,
i don't think i am meeting her needs,
i don't like when she wants me to stay for longer than i want to,
she overcompensates when she's not feeling appreciated (and i don't like it),
i think she would be happier without me,
i think being with me causes her negative emotions,
i want her to find happiness in herself and not need external validation

i also wrote in the notebook some stuff she said to me during a phone call about how she feels,she feels like:
she makes all the decisions about everything and she wants me to make decisions more,
she feels that she is not enough and also too much at the same time,
she knows that she overcompensates when she's not feeling appreciated,
she is missing physical affection from me (that i used to give),
she feels like a burden

i know these are all bad things... but are they not things that can be worked on if we communicated better?

If another veeper had expressed these things would you encourage them to work on it?

i think i would, yes

Then maybe not as rash then… but I still think you shouldn’t rush, your moms advice was rly goof

Private
World Famous

Suchomimus wrote:

bones wrote:

Suchomimus wrote:

bones wrote:
i remember one of the things you said was that you dont have romantic feelings towards her and it's unfair to her. do you still feel this way, and how did she feel about that? i know you had a talk about things you ~do~ in a relationship vs friendship, but what about the feelings? you felt like she was missing out, but did she tell you she was missing those romance things, physical affection, all that?

this is the problem because i really don't know what romance is other than some kind of feeling of intent maybe???
she was of the opinion last night that maybe romance isnt even really a thing and it's all just a performance and that maybe romance for her is just... commitment? and being completely open and unmasked with someone?
i know that i do love her though

just.. idk

no that is fair. and communication about that is very important. i agree with her about intent and commitment. super super dumbed down and generalized romance is friendship but more intense but it's really hard to ~feel~ that when you're already struggling with social feelings

i mean im a people fearing demisexual who doesnt feel like he's missing out by being single so that shit's hard to me too! but if you can talk about all that stuff together that's amazing, defo has not been the case in my relationships LOL.

anyways. don't rush any decisions right now!! things you should think and talk through first:
would you be sacrificing or giving something up by getting back together - would you have to do things you aren't comfortable with, things that dont come naturally to you and would have to force?
what is really making you emotional and wanting to get back together? is it fear and guilt of letting other people down, or is it regret and fear of possibly making the wrong decision? be very careful to analyze how much of it comes from wanting to please others.
what would you end up regretting?

right like what if it's just me being autistic or something

yes i think we both like having deep talks together, just maybe when we were in a relationship we both avoided it for some reason

i guess...
i would be sacrificing some of my personal free time
i did feel that i had to do those things before, but she told me last night she did not expect those things of me, that i put those expectations on myself, so I'm unsure

i think... maybe regret.. and i am scared that she will find someone else and I'll have missed my chance, that would be a huge regret for me

Private
World Famous

Suchomimus wrote:

hmm wrote:
i think wanting to work on these things in the first place is a very good first step, and perhaps i'm just inexperienced but working on it whilst in a relationship together seems like it'd make things too volatile.. it's not entirely impossible but. seems a bit too soon

wait this is a really good point maybe we can work on these things without the pressure of a relationship and if goes well then who knows

Private
World Famous

Suchomimus wrote:

devilcake wrote:

Suchomimus wrote:

devilcake wrote:
If another veeper had expressed these things would you encourage them to work on it?

i think i would, yes

Then maybe not as rash then… but I still think you shouldn’t rush, your moms advice was rly goof

i wont, i promise
my mom is pretty cool

elisia
National Star

elisia wrote:
Yes I got back with my ex and we are now married

Private
World Famous

Suchomimus wrote:

elisia wrote:
Yes I got back with my ex and we are now married

For real??? Why did you break up in the first place and what made you get back together?

elisia
National Star

elisia wrote:

Suchomimus wrote:

elisia wrote:
Yes I got back with my ex and we are now married

For real??? Why did you break up in the first place and what made you get back together?

Because he was suffocating. We are very different people and I am not like his people. He is not like mine. There was a lot of tension and arguments and so I packed and moved. Told him his only chance was long distance "I dont do long distance" 4 years later he was willing to compromise.

Private
World Famous

Suchomimus wrote:

elisia wrote:

Suchomimus wrote:

elisia wrote:
Yes I got back with my ex and we are now married

For real??? Why did you break up in the first place and what made you get back together?

Because he was suffocating. We are very different people and I am not like his people. He is not like mine. There was a lot of tension and arguments and so I packed and moved. Told him his only chance was long distance "I dont do long distance" 4 years later he was willing to compromise.

I see... Are you guys happy now?