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I feel like I'm not worth of anything any more. 
I had this guy in my hands, I catced huge feelings for him, and he knew. We weren't together, we were just hanging around and doing some fun stuff together, and yes we did some inappropriate things too. I literally thought that he liked me allot, he always wanted to talk to me and wanted me to visit him and sleep over with him, so I thought just maybe that it was okay to catch that big feelings for him, I thought I could keep him as mine. But then my world fell apart. My depression and anxiety dropped me out of college, so I went in another one. That was okay although I was really nervous and I was all sweaty the night before first school day. 
I felt horrible all day long and couldn't really express my feelings to anyone at home, because when I did my parents screamed at me and made me feel much worse, telling me that they would have to send me again to a mental hospital due to my depression, self-harming and social anxiety. Sometimes they just don't get it that I don't always need to have an excuse to stay at home, I know I have to try but trying new stuff makes me even more depressed.
It didn't get any better. The guy that I was talking to and doing stuff with, kind of dumped me. I couldn't feel anything, not even a single emotion hurled in my soul. And now, when I see a person that looks like him or reminds me somehow of him makes me so sad and I just want to die, I thought I finally had someone to cry to when I felt sad, someone to protect me from myself. I didn't go to school the day after. My father was so angry at me in the morning when I told my mother that I didn't want to go to school. The worst thing is that in school I have maths class and in those classes there is this guy that used me when I was younger, he lied to me and hurt me emotionally, he had to be in my class, and he had to look very similar to the guy I loved.
Literally everything is falling apart, I think my diet and all my exercises are becoming really harmful for my body, my weight is always bothering me and I just feel horrible about myself.
Then there is that I have started the things I promised never to do when I was younger, I just can't have fun at a party without alcohol,I know if I won't drink anything I will just be sitting and doing nothing, getting a panic attack because of the people around me, and then the smoking, helps me relax when I'm anxious.

This is really hard for me to write this here and I don't know if this is really appropriate to write on here but I just had to let this out from my heart.

I lost the one that really kept me alive and I'm so scared