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General < General
venting
Keres
Youtube star



umm i don't expect anoyne to answer this, i just really need to vent. you can still answer tho if you want. also don't read this if you don't want to listen stuff about my mental health.

anyways my mental health is really going downhill, it has been slowly going lower and lower since summer. it really sucks because i worked so hard to get better and i was in a better place for a whole year until i got some new trauma to my list of traumas.
 the problem is that i can't accept it. i know my situation very well and i've gotten my old meds back, support from school and family and i've been talking to a psychiatric nurse from my school (it's free for me and i'm broke, can't afford a therapist rn). still i'm trying so hard to distract myself from my problems kinda like not accepting that my well being has turned into a really bad mental health sitution. i just keep pushing myself and rn i have this internship at school and it's really important if i want to proceed in my studies. and i really do want it, but at the same time i know i should take some sick leave so i could focus on getting better. i'm literally burning out myself, knowing my situation and still not accepting that i need that sick leave. then my mental health would really become my reality of not being better.
 i'm so angry because i worked really hard to get better and now all my hard work is gone. 1 year of well being and then boom terrible things happen and the funny thing is that this thing that happened to me in the summer wasn't my fault. someone else caused it to me and now i'm stuck with bad mental health, trying to do school and having to press charges because of what happened. and i'm really scared of pressing those charges, i'm scared that something bad will happen to me if i do it. i'm literally scared all the time.
i can't even fully talk about how i feel to people even if i wanted to because i have so much trust issues.

but umm anyways i hope u had a nice day and thanks if you read this and listened to me even tho my writing is a mess
Keres
Youtube star



and i'm really waiting to meet my psychiatric nurse, my next appointment is coming soon so maybe i can talk about that sick leave to him but at the same time i'm kind of scared and also can't accept the fact that i really do need it. it's really annoying being between of i need help and some time to heal & i'm angry and can't accept the fact that my mental health is really bad rn
Private
International star



i can totally relate to not wanting to accept your mental state, esp when you've just made such great process but denying it just makes things harder. or so it appears based on this. i get how that sick leave would make things more real but even if you're in a bad mental state again, it doesn't erase the process you already made. you worked really hard and you're better. perhaps not better in terms of how you feel (which, like you said, isn't your fault) but better in terms of how to deal with those feelings and knowing yourself. you were feeling good for a year and you can work to feel good again. so take that sick leave (think of it as an investment for your future) and press those charges (what if that person does that thing for someone else too, also, you'll regret it if you don't + always best to get these things done as early as possible)
Keres
Youtube star



Sera wrote:
i can totally relate to not wanting to accept your mental state, esp when you've just made such great process but denying it just makes things harder. or so it appears based on this. i get how that sick leave would make things more real but even if you're in a bad mental state again, it doesn't erase the process you already made. you worked really hard and you're better. perhaps not better in terms of how you feel (which, like you said, isn't your fault) but better in terms of how to deal with those feelings and knowing yourself. you were feeling good for a year and you can work to feel good again. so take that sick leave (think of it as an investment for your future) and press those charges (what if that person does that thing for someone else too, also, you'll regret it if you don't + always best to get these things done as early as possible)
i appreciate your answer, it calmed some of my thoughts. my thoughts usually are a big rollercoaster full of emotions so it's really important for me get answers like this, other perspectives that are calm but also helpful. this situation is so hard for me, i feel everything deeply so it makes it hard to think like this.
  i really like the thought of thinking sick leave as an investment for my future, that tought made me feel safe and i will keep it in my mind. it's just so hard for me to make that decision because my school keeps me busy and i like doing school stuff (even tho this internship is a really stressful time for me) but i know i have to face my problems and take time to heal or else it will get worse. i shouldn't be taking all these projects now even tho i want to.
  what comes to pressing charges i will do it. it's just hard to think about it, having to go through that trauma again, it's scary. my plan was to press those charges in early 2022, these few months that are left in 2021 i want to take it easy. i have all the evidences in a support center, they are waterproof and will luckily last many years until they expire (i think it was 10 or 20 years). so that person has nothing against me, he will have to take responsibility of what he did to me. 2022 is the year of getting my story heard and getting justice.

thank you for answering me and listening, i really do appreciate it < 3
Private
International star



Keres wrote:
Sera wrote:
i can totally relate to not wanting to accept your mental state, esp when you've just made such great process but denying it just makes things harder. or so it appears based on this. i get how that sick leave would make things more real but even if you're in a bad mental state again, it doesn't erase the process you already made. you worked really hard and you're better. perhaps not better in terms of how you feel (which, like you said, isn't your fault) but better in terms of how to deal with those feelings and knowing yourself. you were feeling good for a year and you can work to feel good again. so take that sick leave (think of it as an investment for your future) and press those charges (what if that person does that thing for someone else too, also, you'll regret it if you don't + always best to get these things done as early as possible)
i appreciate your answer, it calmed some of my thoughts. my thoughts usually are a big rollercoaster full of emotions so it's really important for me get answers like this, other perspectives that are calm but also helpful. this situation is so hard for me, i feel everything deeply so it makes it hard to think like this.
  i really like the thought of thinking sick leave as an investment for my future, that tought made me feel safe and i will keep it in my mind. it's just so hard for me to make that decision because my school keeps me busy and i like doing school stuff (even tho this internship is a really stressful time for me) but i know i have to face my problems and take time to heal or else it will get worse. i shouldn't be taking all these projects now even tho i want to.
  what comes to pressing charges i will do it. it's just hard to think about it, having to go through that trauma again, it's scary. my plan was to press those charges in early 2022, these few months that are left in 2021 i want to take it easy. i have all the evidences in a support center, they are waterproof and will luckily last many years until they expire (i think it was 10 or 20 years). so that person has nothing against me, he will have to take responsibility of what he did to me. 2022 is the year of getting my story heard and getting justice.

thank you for answering me and listening, i really do appreciate it < 3

it's very understandable that you like keeping yourself busy and tbh, i would normally support that as our minds like being productive and having some kind of a schedule. but like you said, in this case it's not doing you any good. instead of giving yourself that little push, you're drowning yourself in your studies (perhaps to "stay strong" until next year?). also, keep in mind that being on your sick leave won't stop you from studying if that truly makes you feel better but it sounds like now is the time to avoid any further projects and focus on yourself. you're already feeling bad because of this trauma, is this really the time to take on even more stress?
Private
International star



i'm sure you already know this, but as someone who went through the same thing (assuming i understood you correctly), things will get better with time and help. it's okay to feel angry, sad or whatever you're going through. eventually things will feel okay again and all this will just be a passing memory along with many, many happier ones. it hurts right now, but it will be okay.
Keres
Youtube star



Sera wrote:
Keres wrote:
Sera wrote:
i can totally relate to not wanting to accept your mental state, esp when you've just made such great process but denying it just makes things harder. or so it appears based on this. i get how that sick leave would make things more real but even if you're in a bad mental state again, it doesn't erase the process you already made. you worked really hard and you're better. perhaps not better in terms of how you feel (which, like you said, isn't your fault) but better in terms of how to deal with those feelings and knowing yourself. you were feeling good for a year and you can work to feel good again. so take that sick leave (think of it as an investment for your future) and press those charges (what if that person does that thing for someone else too, also, you'll regret it if you don't + always best to get these things done as early as possible)
i appreciate your answer, it calmed some of my thoughts. my thoughts usually are a big rollercoaster full of emotions so it's really important for me get answers like this, other perspectives that are calm but also helpful. this situation is so hard for me, i feel everything deeply so it makes it hard to think like this.
  i really like the thought of thinking sick leave as an investment for my future, that tought made me feel safe and i will keep it in my mind. it's just so hard for me to make that decision because my school keeps me busy and i like doing school stuff (even tho this internship is a really stressful time for me) but i know i have to face my problems and take time to heal or else it will get worse. i shouldn't be taking all these projects now even tho i want to.
  what comes to pressing charges i will do it. it's just hard to think about it, having to go through that trauma again, it's scary. my plan was to press those charges in early 2022, these few months that are left in 2021 i want to take it easy. i have all the evidences in a support center, they are waterproof and will luckily last many years until they expire (i think it was 10 or 20 years). so that person has nothing against me, he will have to take responsibility of what he did to me. 2022 is the year of getting my story heard and getting justice.

thank you for answering me and listening, i really do appreciate it < 3

it's very understandable that you like keeping yourself busy and tbh, i would normally support that as our minds like being productive and having some kind of a schedule. but like you said, in this case it's not doing you any good. instead of giving yourself that little push, you're drowning yourself in your studies (perhaps to "stay strong" until next year?). also, keep in mind that being on your sick leave won't stop you from studying if that truly makes you feel better but it sounds like now is the time to avoid any further projects and focus on yourself. you're already feeling bad because of this trauma, is this really the time to take on even more stress?

yeah, keeping myself busy is one of my ways to protect myself, but it's really tiring and as we both said keeping myself busy isn't the best for me rn. what comes to staying strong i really do try to ''stay strong'' i just don't want others to worry about me too much.
  and i'm sorry that you went through the same thing. i really appreciate your words and knowing things will get better with time and help gives me hope. your words are really comforting and i feel really safe about them. thank you <3
  i took a day off today from my internship, couldn't go to work and i will talk to my teacher about it too. i have a new appointment on monday so few days left until i get to talk to my psychiatric nurse about that sick leave. i noticed that this day off feels so much better than working, i don't have to worry about anything i can just try to relax and take some time for me today. i also slept really well because i knew i didn't have to go to work and that also screams me needing time to heal.
Private
International star



Keres wrote:

yeah, keeping myself busy is one of my ways to protect myself, but it's really tiring and as we both said keeping myself busy isn't the best for me rn. what comes to staying strong i really do try to ''stay strong'' i just don't want others to worry about me too much.
  and i'm sorry that you went through the same thing. i really appreciate your words and knowing things will get better with time and help gives me hope. your words are really comforting and i feel really safe about them. thank you <3
  i took a day off today from my internship, couldn't go to work and i will talk to my teacher about it too. i have a new appointment on monday so few days left until i get to talk to my psychiatric nurse about that sick leave. i noticed that this day off feels so much better than working, i don't have to worry about anything i can just try to relax and take some time for me today. i also slept really well because i knew i didn't have to go to work and that also screams me needing time to heal.
yeah, definitely. when you're working that much it's easy to brush off your needs and only realize how much you needed that rest when you actually get it. good luck with the appointment! 
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