Transgender drama in family - Forum

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Streetmusician

Valto wrote:
I have a dilemma. I think my niece (4 yo) is trans. My sister is breaking down over it.

My niece (I use she pronouns since it isn't "official" ) has expressed multiple times for a year like she identifies as a boy. Really all typical trans things. She likes boys and boy things, she has no interest for girls, she doesn't seem to connect to them but to boys.

My sister has reacted to this very negatively and has cried tons over this, for personal and religious reasons. I try to comfort her and say that niece is still very young and exploring, but I can't say that forever.

I don't know what to do here. I'm also a closeted trans, but more agender though I have strong body dysphoria. This whole situation becomes very personal to me as well, though my sister doesn't know that.

I don't care at all that or if my niece is trans. I understand her and I think she's awesome regardless of pronouns. But it hurts me seeing my sister so torn over this. She's in a bad place as is and this is like the final straw to her. Her mental health reaches bottom over this. She loves her child so much but she can't stand the thought of her being trans, though she isn't transphobic. I want to respect her feelings but I also get very upset with her though I don't say it. I'm a people pleaser so I just want to comfort.

What can I do? I feel no matter who I support, I will betray someone. Of course if my niece really is trans, there's nothing we can do anyway. But as of now, I don't know what to do.

Help!!

UPDATE: SEE BELOW

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Queen of Queens

Hennastii wrote:
i'd probably ask your sister why she can't stand the thought of your niece being trans if she isn't transphobic like you said. like does that thought come from fear (your niece getting bullied for it or being left out, "going to hell" for religious reasons e.g.) or something else? i'd personally have a deep conversation with her

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Streetmusician

Valto wrote:

Hennastii wrote:
i'd probably ask your sister why she can't stand the thought of your niece being trans if she isn't transphobic like you said. like does that thought come from fear (your niece getting bullied for it or being left out, "going to hell" for religious reasons e.g.) or something else? i'd personally have a deep conversation with her

I think we probably will have to talk more about that.She doesn't want to talk too much about it because it becomes too real and difficult for her and I don't want to bring it up and ruin her day and month.

I think the religious part is heavy. As for the personal reasons, she has expressed that she doesn't like the change. She doesn't like the transitioning part and fears "losing" her daughter.

She also has some bad experiences with men and she seems to hold resentment towards men. She was very happy she got a girl. She also has "daughter aspirations", like putting on cute dresses and having a soft well-spoken daughter, which niece isn't into, so I think a lot is also "broken dreams".

Thank you for your time

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Popstar

Bum wrote:
honestly, I dont think its possible to determine whether the child is trans or not until they declare so. for now, all you can do is try your best to make sure the child knows that they are safe and loved regardless of how they identify.

i relate a lot to "She likes boys and boy things, she has no interest for girls, she doesn't seem to connect to them but to boys." however, i myself am not trans. i identify as gender fluid. i always found it hard to connect with women/girls. its like they were all taught how to be femine and i was not. nor was i really interested.

also I dont think its possible to not be transphobic and nt accept trans people whether theyre lode to you or not. they may not think ofemselves as trphohic, but he transphobia mig b deeply rooted andhard to identify. after all no one wants to themselves as a hateful/fearful person.

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Streetmusician

Valto wrote:

Bum wrote:
honestly, I dont think its possible to determine whether the child is trans or not until they declare so. for now, all you can do is try your best to make sure the child knows that they are safe and loved regardless of how they identify.

i relate a lot to "She likes boys and boy things, she has no interest for girls, she doesn't seem to connect to them but to boys." however, i myself am not trans. i identify as gender fluid. i always found it hard to connect with women/girls. its like they were all taught how to be femine and i was not. nor was i really interested.

also I dont think its possible to not be transphobic and nt accept trans people whether theyre lode to you or not. they may not think ofemselves as trphohic, but he transphobia mig b deeply rooted andhard to identify. after all no one wants to themselves as a hateful/fearful person.

Yeah, after all gender is a big spectrum and she might grow up and feel differently. But as of now she has been quite clear. She has expressed wanting to be a boy and likes the male characters and stuff. She sees herself in guys and relates to them. But I know too, it's difficult and complicated to not fit into the stereotype of your assigned gender, finding a fitting place is hard.

I agree with what you say, she will always be loved no matter what she chooses and identifies as.

As for the transphobic part, it's difficult. My sister doesn't have any problems with transpeople otherwise, but I think you have a point that there might be a deeply rooted "it's kind of strange though" feelings towards transpeople. She is cis and fits her assigned gender very well and is also more traditional, I think these people have more difficult to understand it.

Thanks for reply

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Popstar

Bum wrote:

Valto wrote:

Bum wrote:
honestly, I dont think its possible to determine whether the child is trans or not until they declare so. for now, all you can do is try your best to make sure the child knows that they are safe and loved regardless of how they identify.

i relate a lot to "She likes boys and boy things, she has no interest for girls, she doesn't seem to connect to them but to boys." however, i myself am not trans. i identify as gender fluid. i always found it hard to connect with women/girls. its like they were all taught how to be femine and i was not. nor was i really interested.

also I dont think its possible to not be transphobic and nt accept trans people whether theyre lode to you or not. they may not think ofemselves as trphohic, but he transphobia mig b deeply rooted andhard to identify. after all no one wants to themselves as a hateful/fearful person.

Yeah, after all gender is a big spectrum and she might grow up and feel differently. But as of now she has been quite clear. She has expressed wanting to be a boy and likes the male characters and stuff. She sees herself in guys and relates to them. But I know too, it's difficult and complicated to not fit into the stereotype of your assigned gender, finding a fitting place is hard.

I agree with what you say, she will always be loved no matter what she chooses and identifies as.

As for the transphobic part, it's difficult. My sister doesn't have any problems with transpeople otherwise, but I think you have a point that there might be a deeply rooted "it's kind of strange though" feelings towards transpeople. She is cis and fits her assigned gender very well and is also more traditional, I think these people have more difficult to understand it.

Thanks for reply

Oh yeah, it's definitely hard to understand someone else's experiences if you haven't gone through something similar yourself. As long as the child is cared for and loved, thats all that matters!! <3

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National star

Sylvan wrote:
If the family can afford it, therapy. I feel for the poor kid, kids feel when something is wrong so the mom's reaction is definitely having a negative effect. She has to find a way to deal with her feelings that doesn't affect her child.

I would stress how her reaction negatively affects her child when talking to your sister.
Maybe there is some local group for parents of lgbt+ kids where she can find support? See that it's not the end of the world? Or an online group? Just be careful not to get her involved in those weird cult like conversion therapy groups...

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Popstar

Melody wrote:
i can relate to ur niece a lot here actually - though she is very very young and thus her perception of gender will change one way or another as she ages no matter how she thinks of herself right now

i didn't think much of gender before i and other people of my age hit puberty, and suddenly it seemed like everyone was obsessed with genders. since then my own experiences have been a rollercoaster, however i've identified as transmasc for around 14 yrs now and it has always been difficult to talk about it with my relatives including my immediate family. especially my mom who constantly refers to me as woman and daughter, and has expressed many times she's happy she has two daughters and how she wants us to produce grandkids

as such i've never been able to straight up tell her how i feel (because i feel guilt over disappointing her), which in return has made my life a lot lot harder on psychological level. sadly lgbtq+ matters in general tend to fall into the tough choice between your own feelings vs other ppl's feelings. i'm personally terrified of the thought of cutting ties with my parents over my identity. i sincerely hope your niece is still surrounded by people who support her so she doesn't feel invalidated, and i hope her mother will learn to accept her in time

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Streetmusician

Valto wrote:
UPDATE:

SO I HAD A TALK WITH MY SISTER ABOUT TRANSPEOPLE. BEE SHE JUST TRANSPHOBIC

INNER PEACE. LIVE LAUGH LOVE. INNER PEACE. LIVE LAUGH LOVE. GOD I FEEL SO NEGATIVELY ABOUT HER.

GOTTA COLLECT MYSELF.

okay. Okay. So we had kind of a debateish conversation. Everyone is allowed their opinions. Everyone is allowed their opinions. I need to bite something. I NEED DISTANCE FROM THIS WOMAN ISTG.

Basically, her point of view, is that being trans is wrong, because you "pretend to be something you're not" and you "treat" it the wrong way. Okay. Okay. Everyone is allowed their opinions.

What really pissed me off, is when she implied how much of an adjustment some darn pronouns are. How much to embrace someone elses change and choice. My GOD. Everyone is allowed their opinions. WHICH IS WHY I ACCOMODATE AND SUPPORT YOU IN YOUR MAJOR LIFE DECISION. EVEN IF I DON'T AT ALL AGREE WITH YOU.

WHAT CAN I EVEN SAY. I wanna be supportive. I'm a people pleaser. I want us to agree and Idon't want her to be sad and I wan't peace live laugh love. But I wanna bite my darn pillow cause more and more I feel I just CAN'T stand her.

Everyone is allowed their opinions. But don't start crashing if somebody is living THEIR life!!!! HOW is this such a big deal to you?!?!

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Streetmusician

Valto wrote:
Thank you so much for your replies. It means a lot. I don't have anywyere else to share and talk about these things. I'm not sure how to ball this issue. Liove laugh live.

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Streetmusician

Valto wrote:

Melody wrote:
i can relate to ur niece a lot here actually - though she is very very young and thus her perception of gender will change one way or another as she ages no matter how she thinks of herself right now

i didn't think much of gender before i and other people of my age hit puberty, and suddenly it seemed like everyone was obsessed with genders. since then my own experiences have been a rollercoaster, however i've identified as transmasc for around 14 yrs now and it has always been difficult to talk about it with my relatives including my immediate family. especially my mom who constantly refers to me as woman and daughter, and has expressed many times she's happy she has two daughters and how she wants us to produce grandkids

as such i've never been able to straight up tell her how i feel (because i feel guilt over disappointing her), which in return has made my life a lot lot harder on psychological level. sadly lgbtq+ matters in general tend to fall into the tough choice between your own feelings vs other ppl's feelings. i'm personally terrified of the thought of cutting ties with my parents over my identity. i sincerely hope your niece is still surrounded by people who support her so she doesn't feel invalidated, and i hope her mother will learn to accept her in time

This is so true. Sadly so.

Whatever my niece chooses, I will support her, no matter what. I know my mom will too, so she wont be alone at least, whateverthe choice is

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International star

ThugWorkout wrote:
I might be so wrong here and people are probably gonna hate me
but I feel like 4 is too young for the decision to be made
if she wants to dress/act/be like a boy then sure but there is no need to put a label on it when the kid is 4?
they will barely have social cues on what is right and wrong let alone being able to choose their gender and go through any type of transitioning

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Streetmusician

Valto wrote:

ThugWorkout wrote:
I might be so wrong here and people are probably gonna hate me
but I feel like 4 is too young for the decision to be made
if she wants to dress/act/be like a boy then sure but there is no need to put a label on it when the kid is 4?
they will barely have social cues on what is right and wrong let alone being able to choose their gender and go through any type of transitioning

Absolutely. This is only a topic because my niece for a long time has displayed basically all the classic early indicators and my sister is having meltdowns over it.

I don't know if my niece will change in these points or if she won't identify differently anyway, only time can tell that. But she has been quite consistent in this (it's been at least a year) and I do get the sense that she definitely sees herself more like a boy than a girl. It's for several reasons, but particularly in the way I feel she identifies and looks up to male characters for example and not female characters. In the "I wanna be them" kind of way. And taking and prefering male roles and male dolls when playing for example.

But of course anything can be, as you say she's just 4