0
0
0
0
0
Private
Private
To join the forums you need to be logged in.
meilin wrote:
im in turkey for the summer thing since monday. today is the last day. we're around 30-35 people, roughly 5 from each university (different ones from europe).
on monday i talked to briefly with a guy, E. i didn't think much of it because it was that kind of a day where we all just got to know each other. but we had some stuff in common through our studies. he studies neurophysics, i study ai with a focus on neuro stuff. on tuesday we talked briefly again. i ate my lunch alone further away after i got overstimulated. he noticed it and asked me later in class why i don't eat with the others from my uni (he does so, we're from the same uni so it was easy to notice one person missing). i briefly told him about my autism and sensory issues. i guess we talked more too. it came up that we live in the same direction and he offered to drive me home. i refused because i didn't want to burden someone i just met.
on wednesday we talked again. a lot about cats because i'm so f WEIRD like i talk to no one ever like i just sit there like :I until a cat comes up and i hyperfocus on it. he has like 15 cats (a dream..). we got coffee with the others and once i got mine he said i don't need to wait for him so i left. he offered to drive me home again later. i accepted so he drove me home with his mom. it was a very comfortable ride. we have this nice dynamic going on where neither of us is super extroverted so there are pauses in between until there's something to point and yeah it was nice. he asked me about my sensory issues. i asked him about his studies. the point is that it was very comfortable and weirdly familiar like i had known him for ages. on thursday we had a lab demonstration day. he showed me pics of his cats and when i didn't go to the rooftop with the others he kind of came to get me there. idk ig so i'm not just alone all the time. we didn't really talk on the rooftop or that much during that day but i felt butterflies in my stomach when i walked home.
today it was a project day so everyone was separated. but i talked to him briefly and even joined for lunch with the rest of my uni. it came up that later tonight people would go out. he said to me that it's probably a lot though, given that it's been so loud outside lately. as in, that i'd probably wouldn't want to go. i perceived it as that people don't want me to join and it's weird that i'm doing so now, so after a bit i went to panic a bit in some random ahhh garden. then i went inside and did some sudokus. he asked me about them. i told him i'm nervous about the presentation but that wasn't really it. he eventually left and i went to the classroom again after a while. i asked him about his presentation. at some point he showed me a hedgehog he saw at his house. i noted his totoro wallpaper. but we didn't talk much. it's usually like one of us makes one or two comments and then we return back to our bubbles.
i guess you can read between the lines that i kind of have a crush on E. i tried to deny it in the beginning but i can't really call crying after the last uni day and yearning in my room a "just wanting a new friend" thing. but.
i have a bf. he knows this and i think he's treating me platonically. i feel incredibly guilty for having developed feelings for him because this is obviously terrible. i haven't acted on them, but i guess i wouldn't lean over a chair in front of me to tell him that his wallpaper is cool, if i didn't subconsciously at least on some level want to be close to him. i'm so happy that while he's from my uni, he lives 2 hours away and does his studies from that other city. so i don't have to see him again. but i nevertheless feel so, so incredibly sad about it.
my relationship with my bf hasn't always been good. this happened last spring and i caught him doing something along those lines this spring again. but never to that extend as in the link. but i guess in my heart i never forgave him. even if he's so sweet to me these days and even if he's taking good care of me and such.
none of what happened in my relationship is an excuse however. but i think subconsciously i never forgave him fully. even if i sincerely made the choice to continue and even if we're working on our relationship. it has improved so much. but now i'm questioning what it says about my moral character that i can develop such intense feelings for someone i have known only for 4 days. even if it has been usually from 10 to 17, it's still a very short time. i feel so, so guilty.
i don't know what to do with myself. i will never act on this, but being around E felt so intense it felt like i cheated on my bf already just by being attracted to him. the worst is that it's not physical, but that i genuinely like his mind. i don't know how i can get rid of these feelings and if this should be a sign for me to reflect on my character and whether it's fair for my bf that i'm with him.
im in turkey for the summer thing since monday. today is the last day. we're around 30-35 people, roughly 5 from each university (different ones from europe).
on monday i talked to briefly with a guy, E. i didn't think much of it because it was that kind of a day where we all just got to know each other. but we had some stuff in common through our studies. he studies neurophysics, i study ai with a focus on neuro stuff. on tuesday we talked briefly again. i ate my lunch alone further away after i got overstimulated. he noticed it and asked me later in class why i don't eat with the others from my uni (he does so, we're from the same uni so it was easy to notice one person missing). i briefly told him about my autism and sensory issues. i guess we talked more too. it came up that we live in the same direction and he offered to drive me home. i refused because i didn't want to burden someone i just met.
on wednesday we talked again. a lot about cats because i'm so f WEIRD like i talk to no one ever like i just sit there like :I until a cat comes up and i hyperfocus on it. he has like 15 cats (a dream..). we got coffee with the others and once i got mine he said i don't need to wait for him so i left. he offered to drive me home again later. i accepted so he drove me home with his mom. it was a very comfortable ride. we have this nice dynamic going on where neither of us is super extroverted so there are pauses in between until there's something to point and yeah it was nice. he asked me about my sensory issues. i asked him about his studies. the point is that it was very comfortable and weirdly familiar like i had known him for ages. on thursday we had a lab demonstration day. he showed me pics of his cats and when i didn't go to the rooftop with the others he kind of came to get me there. idk ig so i'm not just alone all the time. we didn't really talk on the rooftop or that much during that day but i felt butterflies in my stomach when i walked home.
today it was a project day so everyone was separated. but i talked to him briefly and even joined for lunch with the rest of my uni. it came up that later tonight people would go out. he said to me that it's probably a lot though, given that it's been so loud outside lately. as in, that i'd probably wouldn't want to go. i perceived it as that people don't want me to join and it's weird that i'm doing so now, so after a bit i went to panic a bit in some random ahhh garden. then i went inside and did some sudokus. he asked me about them. i told him i'm nervous about the presentation but that wasn't really it. he eventually left and i went to the classroom again after a while. i asked him about his presentation. at some point he showed me a hedgehog he saw at his house. i noted his totoro wallpaper. but we didn't talk much. it's usually like one of us makes one or two comments and then we return back to our bubbles.
i guess you can read between the lines that i kind of have a crush on E. i tried to deny it in the beginning but i can't really call crying after the last uni day and yearning in my room a "just wanting a new friend" thing. but.
i have a bf. he knows this and i think he's treating me platonically. i feel incredibly guilty for having developed feelings for him because this is obviously terrible. i haven't acted on them, but i guess i wouldn't lean over a chair in front of me to tell him that his wallpaper is cool, if i didn't subconsciously at least on some level want to be close to him. i'm so happy that while he's from my uni, he lives 2 hours away and does his studies from that other city. so i don't have to see him again. but i nevertheless feel so, so incredibly sad about it.
my relationship with my bf hasn't always been good. this happened last spring and i caught him doing something along those lines this spring again. but never to that extend as in the link. but i guess in my heart i never forgave him. even if he's so sweet to me these days and even if he's taking good care of me and such.
none of what happened in my relationship is an excuse however. but i think subconsciously i never forgave him fully. even if i sincerely made the choice to continue and even if we're working on our relationship. it has improved so much. but now i'm questioning what it says about my moral character that i can develop such intense feelings for someone i have known only for 4 days. even if it has been usually from 10 to 17, it's still a very short time. i feel so, so guilty.
i don't know what to do with myself. i will never act on this, but being around E felt so intense it felt like i cheated on my bf already just by being attracted to him. the worst is that it's not physical, but that i genuinely like his mind. i don't know how i can get rid of these feelings and if this should be a sign for me to reflect on my character and whether it's fair for my bf that i'm with him.
18
