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shame on me
Private
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scoff wrote:
Today, today. I should probably clean some, get ready and then catch the bus at 9:40 to go get some stuff from my mom's house. Should be there at about 10:20, and if I leave again at 1:20 I'll be here again at 2. Then I'll keep studying some.
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Posts: 34382
Date: 13-04-2017 08:48
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scoff wrote:
How the fuck did I earn this life of mine? I'm set with a job until august, I've the most wonderful bf you could ever imagine, I'm getting better at driving albeit the progress goes slow, I drink beer and feel fine every fucking day of the week... my life's great.
I just hope I get into that school so I can become a psyche-nurse now, then I'm all set.

Oh wait, gotta graduate first, too.

Also do you know what my bf just did to me? He was like 'k bye gotta shower' and I was like 'please let me take a piss first I'm dying???' and he was like 'you can pee while I'm in the shower???' and oh god is it hard to piss when someone else's in the room.
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Posts: 34382
Date: 13-04-2017 17:59
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scoff wrote:
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Posts: 34382
Date: 24-04-2017 08:24
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scoff wrote:
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Posts: 34382
Date: 24-04-2017 08:28
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scoff wrote:
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Posts: 34382
Date: 24-04-2017 08:30
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scoff wrote:
Why was I such an adorable kid? 
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 24-04-2017 10:00
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scoff wrote:
Long time no see, my dearest dearest thread. 

I only write here when I feel low, but today I'm fine. My boyfriend's away for work, but I have plenty of wine, my guitar, and the cat for company. Perhaps today I'll make a fool out of myself for all of you again. I like that. I could go live.

I should probably clean. 
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 08-05-2017 10:55
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coco wrote:
scoff wrote:
I don't hate kids, I only hate the parents 
I want a kid one day... I want one today, but I'll wait till Im like 25 because 1. I've no real education as of yet 2. I've no stable income as of yet 3. my living situation is weird 4. it's not nice tricking someone that doesn't want a baby into having a baby

I'm really scared of getting pregnant because I don't know what I would do 
why aren't we using any form of protection? I know I should get on the pill but I'm scared of gaining weight and also I would never remember to take them 

what am I gonna do if I get pregnant? I'd want to keep it but this dude wouldn't because he's never having children ever and it wouldn't be right of me to keep it against his will unless I could escape the country and not letting him know about it so that he wouldn't have any kinds of responsibilities concerning the kid 

God I hope I'm not getting pregnant this month either
adopt me plz
19
Posts: 6137
Date: 08-05-2017 11:27
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scoff wrote:
30 minutes have passed and I'm still sober. I've done a good job upping my tolerance, believe me, because a year ago I'd drink two pints of beer and I'd be wasted, and now two days ago I had an entire bottle of vodka and half a bottle of wine, and I was drunk, but I could still stand on my legs and I didn't puke (though N definitely thought I would cos he put a bucket beside the bed and I think I should be freaked out I'm such a drunk but I just think it's sweet he thought about that). 
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 08-05-2017 11:33
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scoff wrote:
I can't decide whether I actually enjoy being alone every once in a while, or if I completely despise it. On one hand, it can be nice, but then on the other hand, it's boring and I'm bored and I'm fucking miserable.
The cat kept me company tonight. She lay beside me all night long. I got to pet her. That was nice. 

I should clean, I should sign some papers, I should study, I should do this and that and that and this. I'm having coffee with my stepdad later, then I'm going to my mom's house for dinner. Tomorrow I'm having dinner with my grandparents, because it's my grandpa's birthday. Then maybe thursday I'll study some with a friend of mine. Going out on friday. Hopefully going out on saturday. Then sunday Imma go visit my mom again to fix my other computer, because it broke. Then it's monday and I have school. Then it's tuesday and N gets back home if I'm lucky. I hope he does. It might seem ridiculous, but I miss him. Oh god, am I clingy and dependent? I don't think so. I do well on my own, all alone. It's just that it feels a lot better being around the person I love, right? 
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 09-05-2017 12:57
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scoff wrote:
And so I cleaned the kitchen, took care of the clean laundry, put on another machine, took care of the clean and the dirty dishes, took out the trash, took a shower, and went and bought some smokes. Passing time, passing time. Gonna wait for my stepdad now, then I'm gonna have him drive me to work so I can sign those fucking papers. 
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 09-05-2017 14:40
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scoff wrote:
TO DO LIST THIS WEEK:
READ BOOK FOR GRADUATION WORK
START ACTUALLY WRITING GRADUATION WORK
FILM ANALYSIS
ARGUMENTATIVE ESSAY
19TH CENTURY ART
20TH CENTURY ART
18TH CENTURY ART
WRITE AN INFORMATIVE SPEECH ON FEMINISM
ANALYZE A SPEECH
ANALYZE A SHORT STORY
ANALYZE A SCIENTIFIC TEXT

IN THIS ORDER:
Tuesday: Finish argumentative essay.
Wednesday: 18th century art, 19th century art, write speech
Thursday: Short story analysis, speech analysis, read book for graduation work
Friday: Keep reading book, start actual work
Saturday: Continue graduation work, 20th century art
Sunday: Continue graduation work, film analysis
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 09-05-2017 21:14
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scoff wrote:
ALSO
- Visit my grandparents tomorrow
- Get the cat some toys
- Vacuum
- Distill new bottles for beer and wine
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 09-05-2017 21:17
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scoff wrote:
Sometimes I wonder if there isn't something wrong with me after all, and that everyone just missed it when I was a kid. My mom once told me that no one around me thought I was ever gonna become normal. They just gave up. My stepdad thought I'd go on being the horrible kid that I was. My dad thought I was gonna end up dead in a ditch.

I don't know what exactly it was that I did that they all found so abnormal. Was it the time when I was three and wished I hadn't ever been born, so I tried to invent a time machine so that I could go back in time and die before I came out of the womb? Was it when someone spilled something or dirtied something and I went in full panic-mode because I just didn't fucking like it? When I started school and decided everyone else was stupid (because they couldn't read, and so on, and I could) and thus refused to do anything anyone ever told me to do and instead spent my time doing things such as sitting down on the floor declaring I was never gonna listen to anyone, or simply running off and going home? Was it when I decided the only things I wanted to eat were potatoes and broccoli? Was it when I kept becoming friends with everyone I met but lost them a week or two later because I'd just freak out so fucking badly that they went scared and started avoiding me? Was it because my mom left every PTA meeting until I was 13 years old in tears, because I didn't behave well, and the teachers let her know that, time after time?

They took me to a doctor when I was 6. I remember sitting down, and him asking me if I liked school. I said I did, but my stomach hurt because I was hungry, and also I wanted to go see my friends now. He smiled. Nothing was wrong with me.
When I was 8 they forced me to see a counsellor. I refused to go see her in her office at school, because only weird kids did that, and I'd decided I wasn't fucking weird, I didn't have a problem. She was supposed to figure out why the hell I was so angry all the time, but I wanted help dealing with my anxiety, but I couldn't say that because I would've felt dirty and disgusting then, so I spent our first meeting repeating that she was saying the wrong things. A few weeks later she decided I was perfectly normal in every sense except apparently I was extremely intelligent.
At 11 they sent a child psychologist to observe me and another boy in my class in the classroom. Of course they didn't tell me what it was all about, but I definitely suspected something weird was up (and also my mom begged me to be on my best behavior, because she didn't want problems, she didn't want to have to go through with anything) and so I went on my best behavior all week long. Nothing was wrong with me.

Hey, I know nothing's weird with me, nothing's wrong with me. I mean, I'm 20 now, right? I have a life, I have plenty of friends, a boyfriend that I love, a job, decent grades, a cat that I care for with all my heart. I'm fine, I was always fine. 
But then why the hell do I still feel like something's fucking wrong? 
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 10-05-2017 01:11
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scoff wrote:
I wonder what happened with the amount of intelligence I possessed. Did I drink it all away? Did I just stop developing in my head? 

I read at 3. I spoke english at 7 or 8, and we started learning that in school at 10. I was a great writer, and if you read something I wrote at 10, you wouldn't believe it was written by a 10 year old.
Maybe I just neglected it. Being good at sports was cool, being a good artist was cool, but being book smart definitely wasn't, and so I just decided it didn't fucking matter.
I'm still good with language and stuff. I'm great at writing, at least when I'm sober and I get to write something that isn't just my thoughts. Then my grammar even gets good, as well. Not like now.
Then again I'm quite drunk.

I believe they were right about me being too angry, however. Because I am. I can deal with it now, mostly (I mean, I've punched people in the face a couple times the last year, so that's not much), but where the fuck does it stem from? Why am I so pissed off when everyone else isn't? And it doesn't matter what it's about. Do I have to stop doing something I enjoy because it will make someone else feel better? If I do, that sets me off. I get so pissed off, so stubborn, like a fucking child. I just can't deal with not getting my way in favor of someone else. I've gotten quite good at compromising with people that I love and care about, because I know I can't flip them off too much or they might leave, and that's not what I want. So I put on a smile, and I act like the adult I'm supposed to be.

The other day I lost it and texted my mom she's a fucking whore and a fucking cunt cos she stole my cat and I'm gonna burn her fucking house down.
She was like 'darling you're 20. you can't be doing this anymore'
And I realize she's right, naturally, because she is. I'm 20. I'm an adult. She was only a year older than me when she had me. I said to her I wasn't actually mad at her, but at someone else but I couldn't be bothered to pick a fight. She just had a smoke and said she knew.

That's creepy. I wish I wans't so angry at the world and everything. I mean I'm good at dealing with life, with work, with school, with relationships, hiding my anger... but I wish I didn't feel it, either. 
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 10-05-2017 01:22
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