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shame on me
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scoff wrote:
For a while I think my mom thought I was schizophrenic, because I used to talk to myself so much and laugh to myself and stuff. I'd sit down somewhere and shut off the world and just get inside my own head and daydream.

Is maladaptive daydreaming a thing? I read about it and everything fits me as a child.
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Posts: 34382
Date: 10-05-2017 01:26
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scoff wrote:
I wonder what I'd been like if my family hadn't been the way it is. Don't get me wrong, I mean, they get on my nerves and they like to push all my buttons all at once, but I love them. I wouldn't change them, you know? Wouldn't get rid of them. 

But, like, I wonder. I wonder a lot. 
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 10-05-2017 22:04
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scoff wrote:
Here's the thing:
I feel trapped.

No, it isn't that my life is bad in any way, and no, it's not because I don't like the people I surround myself with - in fact I love all of it. Despite that, I feel motherfucking trapped. I like my relationship, I like being with my bf, but I don't like how suspicious he sometimes seems to be. I don't think he likes it that I have friends who happen to be guys. Still, I really want to be with those friends and do friend-things (having a beer, watch a stupid film, talk, go to concerts), right? And I feel like I constantly have to lie. And he gets it when I lie. So he gets pissed, but if I'd told him the truth to begin with, that woulda pissed him off as well. I don't get it. 
I must be such a fuck-up it's not even ok. Why can't I just be the perfect woman? I can't cook, I'm lazy so I barely clean, I'm shit with money, I don't think before I act or speak, I have a really bad temper. Yet I'd never do anything bad, I mean, I'd never do anything to intentionally hurt him or anyone else. I'd never cheat, I'd never use him. I don't understand why that's so hard to understand. 
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 13-05-2017 10:15
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scoff wrote:
I think that I'm gonna live. I'm applying for more jobs now, I'm applying for school on monday, I'm gonna quit smoking and drinking so much because it's a shit thing to spend all your money on, and I'm studying so I can graduate. 
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 13-05-2017 22:47
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scoff wrote:
Why don't you ever think?, you ask
I can't find the words to answer
I laugh instead, perhaps I should get a tattoo?
One in my hand,
one saying "think for fucks sake"
You shake your head
You know, you say, you can't get a tattoo in the palm of your hand
I shake mine, too
I hadn't been serious
Nah, I say, but it woulda been something
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 14-05-2017 11:24
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scoff wrote:
You're peculiar, and I like that
You talk to the cat
It's nice to talk to cats, you say, it's better than talking to people
How so?, I ask
Why is it better to talk to someone that can't answer?
She answers, you say
She meows  like crazy
But, I say, it's only meowing, and who understands meowing? 
It's not hard, you reply
It is, I say
People are easier
No, you say
Cats are easier to understand than people
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 14-05-2017 11:26
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scoff wrote:
I'm an entitled little brat and I don't know what to do about it. How do you learn to accept, to truly fucking accept that sometimes life ain't fair and sometimes things won't be beneficial to you personally? I'm a bad person, because I can only pretend, and only for a while, then my emotions catch up on me. Does it make me a bad person? Really? Does it? 
I mean, do you have to learn those things? Should they come natural? Because I can't. 
Distance yourself from the situation.
Yeah, I'm a bitch, but I can't deal, literally can't deal. 
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 14-05-2017 23:54
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scoff wrote:
Lahey's gotten old.
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 15-05-2017 22:26
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scoff wrote:
This thread upsets me a great deal, but I can't make a new thread for everything that comes to mind, can I?
It tears me apart because it makes me think of people that somehow think they're a little bit better or a little bit smarter or a little bit more entitled than I am. I can't deal with that kind of people. 

Anyway, so N's coming home tomorrow. Makes me happy. 
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 15-05-2017 22:28
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scoff wrote:
A year ago I first hung out with Alex alone and not in a bar. We played guitar, drank vodka, and listened to records all night. 
I know that, because I found an old thread.
It's funny how he became one of my absolute best friends so quickly. We've had a never-ending conversation ever since.

My brother's still convinced we fucked. We didn't. We didn't fuck then, and we didn't fuck any other time either, and we won't ever. 
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 15-05-2017 22:33
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scoff wrote:
Pro tip: don't fall asleep while studying
I'm gonna go back to sleep now
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 17-05-2017 15:52
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scoff wrote:
Keeping track of thoughts. Where does the problem stem from? Why did it appear? Why am I here? Why am I like this? What am I supposed to do? Questions, not answers. Never any answers. I don't know, I've no clue. You know, if I did, I wouldn't be like this.

I'm a pain in the ass, apparently, but I think that's gonna have to be ok, someone's gonna have to accept it. I do things, I do good things, I really do. Because I care. I could've done the opposite of what I did, would that have been better? I don't think so, because what good could come out of it? Yet still it's just complaints, so many complaints. I do it 99% right, but the 1% sticks out, and the 1% screws me over. Darling why didn't you do that? Why don't you ever think? Fuck, you're like a child sometimes, why don't you think? What, I'm like a child? I wonder, I wonder... I mean yeah, yeah, yeah, maybe he's accomplished more or you've accomplished more, but I haven't had the time because I haven't been alive for that long and I haven't gotten money because somebody went and died either.

Fuck, I'm sick of myself, you know? I don't know what to do with myself and my fears and my crippling insecurity. I was good at acting first, but with time my facade has faded and here I am, naked and exposed. Fuck, fuck, fuck! And I think, I really think, that he has come to understand that it will never change. I will always be like this, because it's not hormones, it's not the pill - it's me! I've always been like this, and I don't know what's wrong with me.
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 27-06-2017 11:13
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scoff wrote:
And basically my problem is I'm really insecure and I can't believe anyone loves me and I can't believe anyone's gonna wanna keep being with me and I can't believe in anything good. On top of that, I can't differ my fantasies from reality, and I talk a lot, and I get it mixed up, and things just go to hell because of it. And I try to keep the people I love close to me and liking me by bending for their every wish and trying to do things to perfection, so that there's nothing wrong, nothing, nothing, nothing, because it's really important for me. If someone criticizes the smallest aspect of anything I've said or done, it's a personal threat to my mere existence. Everyone hates me, then. 
And if I meet someone and I can't figure out 100% sure whether they think I'm alright or not, I, subconsciously, do everything in my power to make them not like me, because having someone not liking me and knowing it for sure feels better than having to wonder. 
I can't trust anyone even myself. 
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 27-06-2017 11:23
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scoff wrote:
Perhaps perhaps perhaps perhaps I should have a Criminal Minds marathon. It's been a while and I've catching up to do. Also the bf hates it so I should probably take my time now that he's working away.
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 14-09-2017 09:49
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scoff wrote:
scoff wrote:
and i guess this is where i'm supposed to vent now?
he said i'm not like the other chicks he's been with and i don't know if i'm supposed to be flattered or creeped out
because, you know, normally people say that people who say things like that, they don't really like women, they have no respect for women, but then again when i asked "how so?" he said "because i can make jokes and say everything that pops up in my head and you don't get offended or mad" 
i think he really changed his mind on that one

sometimes he says i wasn't the way i am now back when we met and it scares me so much because i think he might not want me no more and i don't know what to do about it or how to change and fuck this thread does make me anxious
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 14-09-2017 09:52
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