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shame on me
Private
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scoff wrote:
i'm studying to become a psych nurse and it's gotten to my head
i speak as if though i have knowledge (that i have), although i haven't fucking really even started yet

oh well 
20
Posts: 34381
Date: 12-09-2018 19:03
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scoff wrote:
it's a fine evening because i'm drinking wine instead of doing what i probably should do, and i'm thinking about other people and their minds
i like that
god, i should put on some music
what kinda music? 
i have to choose
20
Posts: 34381
Date: 12-09-2018 19:04
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scoff wrote:
chinese democracy it is
why do i like that album? i puked the first time i heard it cos it was so fucking bad

anyway, analyzing people, categorizing their behavior, their thought (because i know what they're thinking), their feelings, shit like that, shit like that

we got into an argument last night
it was about politics and he ended up getting offended and quiet
took me over an hour to realize that wasn't really what was up, you know? i should realize that sooner, faster, quicker - after all, that's the shit i'm gonna work with? sometimes i feel like i'm surrounded with people to practice on

whatever, whatever - we fought about politics, but what was it really about? it's hard for me to know that, because although i can almost read minds, and that one in particular, i can't be sure which one of the alternatives is the right one (or perhaps if it's a combination of some of them or even all of them)

perhaps it's the fact that he's working away next week? and he doesn't really feel like it, but he has to
or maybe it's that they're gonna spread his dead relative's ashes next week?
maybe it's that he's had to work overtime? or perhaps it's that some situation during the day bothered him, perhaps he took something wrong, maybe, maybe, maybe

i mean, it can't be my political standpoint, really? he's known about that for two years
it can't be my taste in movies or in music either - he's known about them too 

i think some people are prone to taking things out on the people closest to them
i do that, not on him most of the time, but i have a tendency to call my mom or my brother - because i know they love me, they value me, and even if i'm being an asshole, they won't leave me
i think maybe that's what he's doing to me? because he finally knows i won't go anywhere 
20
Posts: 34381
Date: 12-09-2018 19:11
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scoff wrote:
this thread is almost two years old and so am i
20
Posts: 34381
Date: 17-09-2018 22:53
Private
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scoff wrote:
why
don't 
i 
like
sleep
?
20
Posts: 34381
Date: 17-09-2018 22:59
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scoff wrote:
I mean, I do like sleep, but I like to be awake. I like to just be awake. Awake and alone. Looking at things, reading things, writing shit,,, whatever? I like it. That. 
20
Posts: 34381
Date: 17-09-2018 23:00
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scoff wrote:
I'm so irrational. I turn it off. I turn myself off. I have an off-switch. You can't reach me. I have an off-switch.

People can be tired. Them being tired does not mean they hate you. Why are you like that, Nath? Why do you always think people hate you, are mad at you or just generally think bad of you? It's not rational. You are not the center of the universe. If you were, you'd be rich, and you aren't, so you ain't. That is logic.
20
Posts: 34381
Date: 17-09-2018 23:01
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scoff wrote:
PAST THOUGHTS (or the ghost of christmas)

Two and a half years ago I thought I was a self-centered, spoiled little bitch. I am. LOVE ME, LOVE ME, I wrote. I don't want to help you.
Months later I thought of psychopaths. Are you a psychopath if you keep repeating the same story over and over again, like a record stuck on repeat, but on different occasions? Are you a psychopath if you space out when people talk to you? If you're charming, but in a weird way, because you're odd as well? Funny stories about wild shenanigans aren't funny stories about wild shenanigans - they're about suicide attempts and dead animals. Is that humor? Is that a psychopath? RULES AND NORMS DON'T APPLY TO THEM. Alcohol every day. Drugs. Whatever.
Then months after that, I was scared, I was so so so scared, but he was just asleep. He was just asleep when I tried to call him, he was just asleep when I texted him. And I was scared, because I am fucked, because I need constant validation and I need constant attention and I want everybody to cater to my every need although I don't deserve it. Why did I want to kill myself because of the frustration? You can't kill yourself over frustration. You can't kill yourself because you think people are angry with you, either. It's irrational, you dipshit!

I had a bad day once. I had many bad days once. Couldn't make up my mind about anything, was too scared, what if, what if? What if I went to uni and he decided to move to a different country and then I'd be stuck here and I couldn't come with? And what if I'd get tired of studying? Should I kill myself if I got tired of studying? I'm not good at life. Called in sick from work even though I wasn't sick, I was just drained of energy, drained of will. I think it felt bad. I can't remember. I don't feel like that anymore. Life is much more manageable now. I feel like I'm living in reality now, I didn't a year ago. Out of phase with reality, apparently. 

I AM TRYING TO GET A HOLD OF ME.
And being happy, because no matter how fucked up I am, I'm not that fucked up, and no matter how fucked up I was back then, I wasn't as fucked up as when I was 16.
Perhaps in five more years I'll be happy all the time? 
20
Posts: 34381
Date: 17-09-2018 23:20
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scoff wrote:
at least i'm not worrying every day
at least i'm not drinking every day
at least i'm not always anxious
at least i'm not crying all the time
at least i'm not dead
20
Posts: 34381
Date: 17-09-2018 23:24
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scoff wrote:
everything is frustrating 
i have so much energy but so little to do
nothing satisfies me 
i just wanna move around, get out and about, do shit, do shit
restlessness 
20
Posts: 34381
Date: 14-10-2018 13:38
Beholder
Youtube star



beholder wrote:
scoff wrote:
i'm studying to become a psych nurse and it's gotten to my head
i speak as if though i have knowledge (that i have), although i haven't fucking really even started yet

oh well 
reminds me of the Dunning-Kreuger Effect , where when you start out you feel like you know a lot but then realize how expansive a topic really is and feel less knowledgeable about it as you go for a while 
17
Posts: 10765
Date: 15-10-2018 20:18
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scoff wrote:
I don't think I've been this scared or this sad in a very, very long time. In my standards, that is, so a month, perhaps? I don't really know what it is that I am doing that is so, so fucking wrong. 

Perhaps it is that I do so much that others would deem wrong, I can't pick, I can't choose. I speak too much, I am too much. Weird thing is it's the smallest things that seem to set him off. I made rice and said it was 'the usual kind' but apparently it wasn't the usual kind, and I shoulda known that, and therefore I am a liar. 

Shoot me execution style.
20
Posts: 34381
Date: 02-11-2018 11:19
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scoff wrote:
Current state: procrastinating everything, even sleep. Anxious for undetermined reasons. Bored. 
20
Posts: 34381
Date: 16-01-2019 00:17
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scoff wrote:
It seems like the older I get, dealing with myself and what I have to do gets so much more difficult, and not in terms of, like, having to pay bills and make money, but more like in terms of I just went on a long ass lecture and spent the whole thing wishing real people talking had subtitles because all I hear is 'blah blah blah psychiatry blah blah blah patients blah blah respect blah blah blah aggressiveness' and the other night I had to take a 4 km walk in just 20 minutes in order to be able to lay down in bed and not feeling like kicking the shit outta somebody.

I swear I wasn't always like this. I was a good kid. Or maybe I wasn't. I was quite angry. But, like, I never had issues like I do now. I used to be able to collect myself and force myself to do boring tasks. I can't do that anymore. I also used to be able to find a way to entertain myself living in fucking Hellhole with nothing to do. I can't entertain myself anymore. 

I was completely and utterly normal until the age of 16 and then every-fucking-thing went downhill from there. I wish there was a solution. 
20
Posts: 34381
Date: 16-01-2019 00:32
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scoff wrote:
Everything is so fucking frustrating and I don't really know what to do about it. I don't feel worthless or bad at anything, or like I'm failing shit or w/e - actually shit's pretty much set and everything's always gonna work the fuck out, right?

I still can't get rid of this feeling. I don't know what it is - yesterday I was mad and I was sad and I hated every-fucking-thing and myself, and today I'm ??

I've been productive, been doing stuff, gonna meet up with my friend in five or so but? Shit sucks. Everything sucks because I have nowhere to put myself, I don't know what to do with myself. I want to put my feet under a rock because they really want to kick things or jump around and I just jumped around the apartment in every weird way possible but I have the physique of an 80 y/o so everything started to HURT.

Also I'm gaining weight because I'm always bored and when I'm bored I always eat. And eat and eat and EAT. Fuck.
20
Posts: 34381
Date: 23-01-2019 14:51
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