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shame on me
Private
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scoff wrote:
I'm not mental anymore. I haven't been mental in weeks. This shit is crazy.
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 14-06-2020 18:48
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scoff wrote:
scoff wrote:
and i guess this is where i'm supposed to vent now?
he said i'm not like the other chicks he's been with and i don't know if i'm supposed to be flattered or creeped out
because, you know, normally people say that people who say things like that, they don't really like women, they have no respect for women, but then again when i asked "how so?" he said "because i can make jokes and say everything that pops up in my head and you don't get offended or mad" 
MKAY nath like WHAT THE HELL 
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 14-06-2020 18:49
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scoff wrote:
Reading this thread is like reading a diary of someone descending into madness. Which in a way, it most definitely is. The bright side however is that madness obviously doesn't have to last forever.

I'm fine now, I really am. I'm bored and I suffer from loneliness, but looking at things objectively, I shouldn't. I've hung out with my friends more in the past week than I did for the past two years. That's insane.
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 14-06-2020 19:53
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scoff wrote:
how will i ever know when i meet someone if it feels easy and good because it could be something nice or because it feels like coming home and picking up where i left
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 31-07-2020 09:08
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scoff wrote:
i'm so anxious for some reason and i don't know why
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 01-08-2020 17:03
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scoff wrote:
i met someone and i'm so scared of my life repeating itself
because i'm stupid like that
i mean, i would easily allow myself to fall into the same trap again 
unfortunately 
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 01-08-2020 17:52
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scoff wrote:
but like this far he seems really nice and really honest and we talk every day and he knows about my past and i know of his and it's all going quite well thus far
i'm just scared maybe we're not taking things slow enough? cos i don't even know what that is or what that would be. it's just very... diffuse??? uhm.

anyway i'm going to see him again this weekend
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 19-08-2020 08:57
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scoff wrote:
LIFE UPDATE:
been living with the guy officially since january 1st but in reality probably like november 1st 
we've fought so bad the neighbors came knocking on our front door at like 2am, TWICE (but the first time we weren't fighting tho)

idk

he's nice and we love each other and all that but he can't handle drinking and uh 

aaaanyway
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 04-03-2021 23:57
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scoff wrote:
i have a job here now and stuff
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 04-03-2021 23:57
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scoff wrote:
and i don't feel like flaunting an entire relationship on the internetz again so i won't but i just had to vent idk
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 05-03-2021 00:28
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scoff wrote:
it's nice out so
sunny n all that

should clean, am sick of living in a pigsty
there's a hole in the wall in the bathroom that really shouldn't be there
our neighbors hate us and i totally understand why

if only he'd call that old boss of his and make sure to get a job
and maybe remember to pay the fucking bills on time
and maybe not drink so much

yeah life would be good

imma get this shit in order n then go to work
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 01-04-2021 09:11
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scoff wrote:
uh yeah he got a job in may
and i've been working my ass off too
no more neighbors knocking
shit's good

but i'm anxious, and i'm empty and everything is fucked up inside of me
and it's like... idk 
idk how to put it into words??? maybe? whatever

i've discovered things about myself
like my entire existence is just projection 

everything i want to give to others is shit that i want... so maybe i should just get it for myself, then? ummmm idk i'm in some sort of a bubble now
coffee helps a bit, i think, at least i don't feel like crying anymore

maybe shit just doesn't have to be good and in order before i start doing what i want? like, what if i don't need to know that i'll be employed for at least say a year from now and know that i'll be getting paid at least this money each month etc etc in order to just... do what i want? i want a kid. i'm almost 25. maybe i don't have to wait. and a house? sure i'll have to save up some but everybody has to and what if i don't need to have everything else in order first? and what if it's fine not to have a house? what if it's fine to live in a rundown shit head apartment in a fucking shithole? maybe it's ok to be happy with that. because i think i am. i'm perfectly happy with the shit i have now... like, this disgusting fucking pigsty, my job, all that
i like it here
i like it here and i think that might be ok
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 15-11-2021 14:48
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scoff wrote:
i'm working 11 days in a row
then 2 days off before getting on it again idekkkkkkk

uhm
he's not working??? 'cause he's hungover or w/e uhmmm 

his mom's a ragin alocoholic
she keeps calling
she called me at work
i didn't answer
i don't like her

i don't start work until 4pm today so that's nice
why the hell am i awake
gnight 
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 24-11-2021 07:24
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scoff wrote:
I mean, I'm actually an adult now. I'm closer to 30 than the age I was when starting this thread all those years ago. A lot of shit has gone down. 

I left what has been my hometown ever since I moved out of my mom's place at 16, went an hour or so by car up north. I did that a year ago now. I got a job that I actually like and that doesn't make me anxious when thinking about it. I learned to cook. I found someone who doesn't abuse me - even if I'm not always happy with everything he does (or rather, doesn't do: cleaning, mostly). I got my drivers license. I quit taking the pill, we're planning to have kids. It's time. I've saved up enough money to buy myself a car, when I find one that I want. I don't wanna die anymore, and I don't feel insane or like there's something wrong with me anymore. I feel normal, and that's alright. I feel validated - my patients at work praise the way I care for them, and my boss never wants me to leave. I've a good life, and I rarely ever think about that it actually could be better. It always can. Sometimes you just have to decide that this is it, and settle. Missing opportunities isn't the big deal people make it out to be. This is my life now, and I'm content with that.

I still find myself wondering what was what. What part of the craziness was me still being more or less a teenager, and what part of it was him? What part of it was the drugs, what part of it was the booze? The constant fear, the psychological torture? 

Because that's what it was. I'm still sure I had part of it too, because I was fucking out of my mind, but I was nineteen. And that's... I don't know. I really don't know. My friend's abusive ex killed a guy. 
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 24-11-2021 08:42
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scoff wrote:
It's been about five years and three, four months since I made this thread, right? 
A lot of shit's happened since then.

I think I might've grown up. I hope so. I'm having a baby late summer/early fall. I got myself a steady job, a good savings account, a spacious apartment with lots of room for a growing child. 

I mean life still sorta sucks, but I guess it just is what it is. I'm just tired. We've been moving for the past few days, and on top of that we're both working full time. 

I'm super excited, really. Meeting my baby for the first time will be the biggest happening of my entire fucking life. I can't wait for the end of summer. 
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 04-03-2022 07:54
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