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shame on me
Private
National star



scoff wrote:
TO DO LIST (feb. 9th, 2017):
STUDY FOR DRIVER'S TEST
TAKE A FUCKIN' SHOWER
CLEAN KITCHEN
CLEAN LIVING ROOM
DO SOME GROCERY SHOPPING
CALL MY STEPDAD
GO TO SCHOOL
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 09-02-2017 08:42
Private
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scoff wrote:
If I kill myself right now, then I won't even have to find out why my period hasn't come yet and I won't have to deal with the possible consequences, either. Sounds like a good deal.
Only of course I don't wanna die.
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 13-02-2017 08:46
Private
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scoff wrote:
Why is it that when someone criticizes even the smallest aspect of me or the things that I do, whether they mean it as criticism or not, I take it as a threat to my mere existence? I know that's not the case, I know nobody is criticizing the fact that I exist, but I can't stop myself from feeling as if though that's exactly what they're doing.
It hurts. I get hurt, only I don't know what to do with that, so I get mad instead. Anger is easier and anger is more powerful than hurt or sadness. Sadness is weak, anger is strong.

Fuck.
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 17-02-2017 07:46
Private
National star



scoff wrote:
It's really the most ridiculous thing to get so offended and hurt by, too. A joke about my musical preferences was all it took, and I snapped. Then it went on. "Maybe you just haven't whined enough today". Snapped again. Fuck you, fuck everyone. "You're doing this to me, you're faking it, you try too hard" Fuck you, fuck everyone, fuck me, I wanna die, fuck this... That's how it goes in my head, right? That's how it goes all the time.
Why? Because I want all the rights. I want the right to do anything. If one single other person has the right to do one single thing, then I want, need, crave that right as well. If you're allowed to do it, then I should be as well. 

But what I want the most is just to not have to be normal. So I won't. From now on, I'm gonna act on every fucking impulse I get, every thought that goes through my head - I'm just gonna do it. I'm sick of keeping myself in check, and I'm bored. I'm so fucking bored.

And then there's going to Berlin. It's gonna be fun, I'm sure of that, but the whole thing has me anxious, because I just can't stand having plans. Plans make me nervous to the point where I get mad because I don't know what to do with myself. And so if I whine a lot and yell at people, then that takes some of it away. It keeps my head occupied for a while so that I can't think up various horrible scenarios that I don't want to end up in. Spontaneity is always the better options. No plans, no time to think, no anxiety about it. Problem solved.  
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 17-02-2017 07:58
Private
National star



scoff wrote:
You try too hard
You're a try-hard
WHAT THE FUCK AM I TRYING? I'm confused as fuck, because I don't know what the fuck it is that I'm trying. I'm just doing whatever I feel like doing whenever I feel like it. What am I trying?
You talk too much
Stop changing your accent when you talk to different people (as if I'm doing that on purpose, eh?)
You're like a fucking child (yeah sure because I lack patience and I find any kind of mood extremely contagious. I once came to school, sensed the anger in the air, and had to stop myself from smashing my laptop, because feelings are contagious and that's just the way it is)
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 17-02-2017 08:19
Private
National star



scoff wrote:
It's like
if you're sick, I'm dying
if you're hungry, I'm starving
if you're annoyed, I'm motherfucking pissed off
if you're happy, I'm high
if you're sad, I'm suicidal

I don't know why I have to be like that. It's like something inside my head is telling me I gotta be more, I gotta be worse, I gotta be better,,, whatever it is, I gotta be everyone else, amplified times 1000, because if I'm not, I get anxious, and I feel like my insides are dirty, and like I'm worthless, disgusting, horrible, nothing, no one, nobody, nothing, I don't exist at all - I might as well not exist at all, can I die? I will die. Death is fun. I'm just kidding. No dying here, no, not today. 
Why am I like this? Can I fix it without blowing my head off? Can't I just be happy with being what I am, normal, average? I can't be. Gotta be worse or better. Better or worse. Average is the most disgusting state a person can exist within. It's disgusting. I don't want it. I refuse to be average and normal and mediocre. I'd rather get locked up somewhere then. 
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 17-02-2017 08:25
Private
National star



scoff wrote:
So, I care too much and it leaves me insecure. That's no secret, I'm not even trying to make it one. I'd rather just assume a person hates me than actually going through the hassle to properly read them and figure them out, because if I believe they hate me, I won't be sad and disappointed whether I'm right or wrong.
My entire being seems to be one giant defense mechanism.
How shitty. I'm going for a smoke now.
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 19-02-2017 09:33
Private
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scoff wrote:
Ugh too much to get done. I'm going back to sleep. 
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 22-02-2017 07:50
Private
National star



scoff wrote:
2017 GOALS (cos I haven't yet):
- Get my drivers license.
- Get a job.
- Graduate.
- Get a cat.
- Lose 5 kg. 
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 22-02-2017 15:45
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National star



scoff wrote:
"How to stop hating yourself" was a bad thing to google. It says 'figure out what you want to change about yourself', and, uhm, well, my fucking stupidity, that would be. Why doesn't it tell me how to do that? How do I stop saying things I'll regret? It tells me how to lose weight, but truth be told, as long as I fit into my clothes, I don't need that. I need to stop being a fucking retard. 
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 28-02-2017 10:08
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scoff wrote:
Perhaps this is happening because I haven't done a lot lately. Like, I haven't been out and stuff, mostly just stayed in. So maybe if I just make sure to be around a lot of different people every day, it'll work itself out. It usually does. 
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 28-02-2017 10:09
Maya
National star



Maya wrote:
I should really do a venting-thread myself, I got so much going on in my head rn
16
Posts: 1302
Date: 28-02-2017 10:14
Private
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scoff wrote:
I just wish I could stop saying the wrong things all the time. I don't usually say the wrong things all the time, but lately I've been a fucking mess. It's like... fuck, I don't know. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up for a month or two. 
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 28-02-2017 10:16
Private
National star



scoff wrote:
So basically what I gotta do within the next hour and 20 minutes is vacuum, take a shower, blow dry my hair, and put makeup on. Sounds good to me. 
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 28-02-2017 12:09
Private
National star



scoff wrote:
I'm gonna be happy and nice today. I'm gonna be happy and nice today. I'm gonna be happy and nice today. I'm gonna be happy and nice today. 
20
Posts: 34382
Date: 28-02-2017 13:18
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