Babel wrote:
Urgh, I'm so tired of my head right now. I'm reconnecting with old friends and decided to reestablish contact to friends I grew up with. One of them being my oldest friendship and my best friend for many years. Unfortunately she's also the one who introduced me to my ex, so going down memory lane while writing, he has unfortunately also popped up in my head.
??? and now my head keeps saying "remember how good it felt to be madly in love?" and in my head there's an equal sign between that insane amount of love hormones and him and it's just ?? WHY ??
Logically I know it's the last thing I want, because the only good things about him was that he was a very stable workaholic who loved to travel and had a shitton of money for it too. He was bad in bed, and he had weird political opinions like people struggling with their mental just needing to "get it together and take control of their own lives", which I only know because it's the only ""political"" thing we've ever discussed and he got so heated and angry about my standpoint of compassion and help that his mom later told me that she's never seen him so angry. He literally bought a plane ticket for himself as a gift to me when I was going to China, just so we could spend 8 hours in an airport together during my layover, which was framed as romantic at the time, but looking back at it now it was just selfish and about him getting a specific image. I was so madly in love that I told myself that I could be a docile uneducated housewife for him, as long as we stayed together, when he suggested that before I chose a university degree. 💀 I had extreme anxiety during most of our relationship because I was so afraid to lose it, which I never discussed with him because he was so anti mental health, so I only dared to utter it to an online friend and discuss it there.
But now my head is craving the hormone rush of love feelings, and it's fucking with me.
I love my boyfriend A LOT, but I never had the same insane hormone rush of love when we started dating. It was a quieter love, which also is better, because I have never felt anxiety about any of it, and I know I have his support in just being me and making my own decisions, so it's way healthier too.
I cannot say any of this to him, because it would absolutely make him insecure in our relationship, even if it's my head acting up like an addict to love hormones.
Anyway, sorry for the rant. I just know discussing this with anyone IRL would make me seem way more unhinged than I already feel, and I really needed this shit off my chest because what the actual fuck. It's been 9 YEARS, pls head, let me reestablish contact to a good friend without bringing shitty baggage into it all.
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