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shame on me
Private
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scoff wrote:
THINGS I WANT:
this fucker
this one
a cat
20
Posts: 34381
Date: 01-03-2017 10:57
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scoff wrote:
This thread is a fucking mess but it's interesting to  skim through it because somehow I feel like it gives me a grip of... time? Yeah, time. Time flies so fast.
Why did I say such shitty things? Like, in december. That's stupid. Why wasn't I happy? I shoulda been happy. I'm happy now. 
And... because the majority of this thread has been me thinking about or venting about my relationship, I just gotta say this, right? I've a great relationship. Sure we fight and I fuck up and shit happens but? That's everyone. My bf is the bestest and I feel like such a fucking jerk cos I can never afford paying for anything. Like, I buy food every once in a while and I paid for the plane tickets (we're going to Berlin!!) but other than that?? I'm living off of him and I think that's the shittiest thing. I've been applying for jobs but nobody ever answers. 
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Posts: 34381
Date: 14-03-2017 07:51
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scoff wrote:
How come no matter how much someone reassures me, I just can't believe I can be loved? I'm scared, I really am. I'm fucking terrified. Don't know why.
Fuck, maybe I should get some stuff done around here. Like, I should probably clean some and go buy some groceries so we can eat. Should learn how to cook too. Fuck.
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Posts: 34381
Date: 15-03-2017 13:49
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scoff wrote:
Yesterday we were watching 'This is Us' and there was this scene when the man tells the woman he wants a baby and she went like 'but I don't!' and then my bf said 'what would you say if I said we should have a baby?' and I was stoned so I just said 'I'd laugh and ask you if you'd gone crazy' and I think that was the wrong thing to say, because I personally do want a baby, but maybe in a year or two, not now. I wanna finish school and get a proper job first. 
Maybe it was the right answer, because maybe he doesn't ever want a baby. I don't know, it's hard to tell. He keeps making jokes about me being pregnant and he's told me before that if we do have a baby, no matter what happens, he'd be there for it and take care of it and stuff. 

Maybe I fucked up. Maybe I got it just right. I don't know. 
20
Posts: 34381
Date: 16-03-2017 10:56
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scoff wrote:
Sometimes the age thing does make things complicated. I turn 20 in may, he turns 29. We're in different stages of our lives. He's been everywhere, done everything. I haven't. I want to do things, you know? At least some things. If I ever have a kid, I wanna travel some first. I wanna go to a couple festivals first. I wanna try some more drugs first. That stuff. 
20
Posts: 34381
Date: 16-03-2017 10:58
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scoff wrote:
Yesterday I realized that I'm not immortal and that's a scary thing.
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Posts: 34381
Date: 16-03-2017 12:05
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scoff wrote:
I think I woke up today and was in a good mood. I've been in a good mood a lot recently, in fact. Sometimes I get scared, but I think I've accepted life is life, you know? Life is life. Things might happen, things might not. And that's fine. I'm fine. Everything's fine. I like that. I feel so at peace, I feel so fine. Maybe it's spring. Reproductive friend. I'm happy, I'm happy. I feel so energized... I just want to go out and do things, experience things. I'm restless. I wanna do things. 
This time last year I was probably looking forward to another night out with Alex and Hanna. We were probably gonna go to O'Learys, because we always did, and we were gonna sit outside and drink beer and smoke a ton. Then around 12, Alex and I would go home to me and sit up all night drinking vodka and listening to David Bowie. I liked that a lot. Sometimes I miss it, but at the same time, it's better now. Sure we haven't done shit in a while, you know? Mostly been sitting around at home, but there's someone who loves me and that I love. That's a wonderful thing. 

How come a year ago feels like yesterday? 

Wanna know something? When I met this dude, this dude who is now my boyfriend, I wanted to see him again. And again. And again. I think I accidentally told him I love him when we'd only known each other for a month, you know? Because I did. And I do. And that's fucking weird, isn't it? How things can happen so fast. I like it, I love it.

Now I gotta get my ass to school.
20
Posts: 34381
Date: 16-03-2017 12:15
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scoff wrote:
It's weird how much my life changed over the course of a year. When I think about it, it's incredible. Last year I met so many new people and so much stuff went down, and it was lovely. And it got me here, where I am now. And I'm really glad that happened. 
20
Posts: 34381
Date: 16-03-2017 12:16
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scoff wrote:
I don't really use this thread as much anymore, do I? Maybe because I feel at peace now, I'm happy with life. We're making plans, like, plans that are in the future. Talking about getting out of the country over christmas. About having a kid in a year or two. Moving cities and buying a house. 
He's the one initiating making these plans, right? So maybe I should stop being so afraid of him dumping me. 

We made brownies yesterday. I took one too many. And I was gonna stop that shit, right? Never again. I don't even like it anymore. I prefer other stuff. 
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Posts: 34381
Date: 28-03-2017 09:43
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scoff wrote:
Yesterday made me doubt everything. He said 'if I renovate the kitchen'. I. Does he not want me anymore? 
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Posts: 34381
Date: 29-03-2017 08:42
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scoff wrote:
I know I come on vp with my real and or imagined relationship issues way too much and I think it gives you all the wrong picture of the situation. He's actually the sweetest guy on earth, ok? Always texting me or calling me to let me know he loves me and misses me while either of us is away. Always complimenting me and telling me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and that he even wants to become boring with me (i.e buying a house, having a kid together). 

I love that man more than anything in this world, and I think that's the reason why I'm so insecure about the whole thing. In my mind, someone loving me back just seems too good to be true. 
20
Posts: 34381
Date: 02-04-2017 00:53
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scoff wrote:
So this week I've sent in apps for about ten jobs and now I can't find more jobs to apply for and that bothers me a lot. I've also practiced driving twice and read about 100 pages of theory. Oh, and I sent in an app for college-ish. It's two or so years and then I can work within the field of psychiatric care. I hope I get in. Gonna apply for komvux too in case it fails, cos that's like a year and a half and then I can work as a personal assistant or within the elderly care or the psychiatric care. 

Still got a shit ton to do, tho. Gonna get serious about my graduation work this morning, and then maybe write that fucking argumentative essay and then a speech for swedish and then read up on some more theory. Also gotta go get my passport and ID and get my ass to the bank so that I can get to the rest of my money. Should probably clean up the apartment a bit and take a shower as well.

Oh and yesterday we had an exam in swedish and I think I did pretty well. Perhaps not an A, but probably a B at least. 

Also really have to phone the driving school and book that fucking course... maybe book another driving lesson further down the road. My goal is to have my drivers license by july. 
20
Posts: 34381
Date: 07-04-2017 08:34
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scoff wrote:
I don't think yesterday will go down in swedish history. 50 years from now, nobody will know about it. But for now? for now it's a horrible thing. I think we all knew it would happen eventually, that Sweden too would be affected by what's going on in the world. I think maybe we'd just closed our eyes for it, because we didn't want to think about it, we didn't want to believe it could happen, not to us. It did. It did happen to us. I got a text from Tonky. She told me about it. I got pissed at first, why would anyone do that? Why would anyone even think of doing such thing? 

For me personally, yesterday was a good day. I studied, I ran errands, I even went to school. Right before the attack I got a call. I have a job interview on tuesday at one. I'm excited. Hopefully this time I'll do better and the position will be mine. I really hope so. I've been going over that last interview over and over again inside my head, and I hope I've got it figured out now. I really do. I think so, too, at least a bit. I cross my heart.

Today? Today's been alright as well. Woke up a bit early for my personal taste, but it was fine. We made breakfast and then we went to the liquor store and picked up 20 liters of beer. I'm drinking it right now. Drinking it and enjoying a cigarette. The bf's asleep. He's always tired, but I don't blame him, I am too. I just can't sleep, not in the middle of the day. He fell asleep with his face between my breasts. I like that. I was watching Girl, Interrupted for the millionth time, but I got bored, so now I'm on the balcony chain smoking. I can't believe I used to be obsessed with that film. Jolie is a bad actress, and Susanna is pretentious as fuck. She's nath, 16. Hell, I'm nath, 16. I turn 20 in less than a month, but in my head, I might as well always be 16. 
I mean, they do have a point talking about life. The way Susanna describes wanting to die is spot on. I've read it, too. Girl, Interrupted. Her other biography as well. The one in which she describes growing up, always being on the move. First America, then the UK, then Greece and Italia. I used to identify so strongly with her. The way she described going on bike rides after dark, just watching all the houses she passed by, thinking about how she wasn't like them nor could be like them had she wanted to. I used to feel like that. Now? I don't know, to be honest. Right now I'm just hoping I'll be able to graduate, get a job, and get into college this fall. I'm gonna be a psychiatric nurse. I hope to get pregnant next year, too. I know I'm young, but I really feel like I'm ready, and if there's one person in this world I'd ever want a child with, it's my boyfriend. I really want something that's half him, half me. I'm ready for that. I just want one last summer first. I want to do all those things I've never done, you know, try more drugs, go on festivals - that stuff. Then I've done it, then I'm done. Then I can settle down and raise a new life, a new child. I hope for a daughter. I want to name her Selma. It's such a beautiful name.
20
Posts: 34381
Date: 08-04-2017 18:34
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scoff wrote:
I know a lot, but I don't know nothing at all. Two days ago I ate a brownie, and my IQ probably dropped to about 75. It was a truly horrifying experience. 
20
Posts: 34381
Date: 08-04-2017 18:55
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scoff wrote:
I should be on my way to school right now, but rain's pouring down outside so I'll probably wait til my next class and go then. For now, I'm just gonna sit back and enjoy some lovely beer for breakfast. Unhealthy, yes indeed. I don't really care tho. Drink some beer and study some. Could work out fine. 
20
Posts: 34381
Date: 10-04-2017 08:12
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