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bpd

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Bloodflowers wrote:
Used to

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Chocolata wrote:

Claire wrote:
real talk theres a lot of people on this site who have a diagnosis of bpd- and i'd even argue that MOST people on vp have SOME kind of psychiatric diagnosis (or SHOULD have one or are TRYING to get one) who can relate to what youre going thru. sorry to start a dumbass debate i was just tryna say that you aint alone here in a more jokey way.

That's the impression I got too and that's why I was hoping to get a little advice or just hear people's stories.
So far, I haven't met anyone who could relate to my lifetime of struggles because most people I know just show depressive symptoms while I'm like "oh I'm fine no I want to die um what brain please decide what you want". It was worst with my forst and only relationship. I've been left behind by countless people and while I may be still young, I feel like I'm gonna die alone because that's what my friends told me years ago.

I'm sorry about this rambling, just needed to get it out

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Claire wrote:

Chocolata wrote:

yea i think here on vp where youll find a lot of people who have similar experiences. i think if you share some of your story you'll find people are able to relate to it here. and i think if you need to 'ramble' you're in the right place.

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Chocolata wrote:
Okay, I read through you guys' comments and I appreciate them. Specter said that they weren't sure what I wanted advice on so let me just throw in these things:

1. Therapy. I've been going there for almost a year and had a completely different diagnosis first (generalized anxiety). Somehow that anxiety stopped all of a sudden and then I pressed for an updated diagnosis and got bpd. However, we've been doing dbt treatment before (I hate mindfulness btw). I find myself having trouble with therapy, I feel constantly invalidated and as if the therapist is telling me that I'm wrong, dumb and stupid and should just behave and do my exercises because apparently I'm too dumb to regulate my emotions.
She also said that she wants to keep an eye on me because she thinks I belong in a clinic (I don't self-harm so why?). We had so many sessions during which I asked her to please tell me what the fuck I'm supposed to do during a crisis and she only asked if I wanted to go to a clinic. Now where's the dbt approach, using skills? She never taught me any, only to look at my surroundings. Wow.

2. How do you guys keep up a social life? Is it normal for bpd to struggle making friends? I'm super shy because I feel like I'm not worth other people. When I do talk to others, which happens rarely, I cannot help but talk with a certain bitterness in my words and being closed-off.
I have never had a real relationship, only online and I think I only did it because I loved that finally someone cobaidered me attractive. I broke up monthly with him over the course of two years and in the end, he got a weird woman behind my back and lied to me about many, many things. He had issues himself but that's something else... I still kinda feel like one day we're gonna get in touch again. But anyway, I feel unlovable and envious of others who have people who like them.
How do you guys deal with feeling invalid and unlovable? Is it possible to find a partner and friends? Do you tell them about your diagnosis and if yes, are there any rules you aggree on?

3. What effects does bpd have on jobs, studying, etc.? Can I get in trouble for having this diagnosis?

Thanks for any input, I love you guys, seriously.

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Specter wrote:
1. i would absolutely get a second opinion on the hospitalization thing- unless you're a harm to yourself or others, i can't imagine why a therapist would recommend hospitalization right out the door, especially since it'd mean adding ANOTHER pressure on an already-existing situation. if you can switch therapists, definitely do so.

2. socializing is fucking hard for the reasons you said. a good therapist will give you cognitive skills that help you reconnect with people, but from experience, bpd therapy is like turning a modem off and on again to get it to work- it sucks before when the internet doesn't connect, but it sucks for those ten seconds as well because you're unsure if it's going to actually help or not.

the toughest part is that we feel in extremes- when we fall in love, it's right out the door 'let's get married and live together and get matching tattoos!!' but the MOMENT there's a slight argument or either of you unintentionally hurt the other's feelings, you'll be tempted to break up. if you want a relationship to be serious, you have to ride out the rough patches, and then talk to them about it afterwards (trust me, the "i'm sorry for being harsh, i was in a bad headspace and lashed out" speeches don't get any less awkward, but they're important to maintain good connections) . once you find coping methods that help, i would only bring up common symptoms (i know i'm the worst for just. dropping off the face of the earth because i feel like i'm being annoying, so i usually give a generic "i'm not ghosting, i just step away for a little bit without warning, if you want to check in or talk to me please reach out otherwise i'll come back 2-3 months later and pick up where we left off" spiel)

3. if you're in the states, a workplace legally shouldn't be able to discriminate against you, but they'll sometimes find a way- make it very clear with your boss what your symptoms are, how it may affect your work (ie. with my job, i mention that i'll sometimes step away from difficult tasks to decompress because otherwise i'll end up screaming) , and any medication (more for side effects than anything) . if you feel like your manager will try to give you shit for any of the things mentioned, ask your therapist for a note verifying your diagnosis and bring it with you, making sure you have it on file (that way if you need to contact HR at any point, you can give them a timestamp and say "they literally have a note, so they can't say they didn't know)

this turned into a wall of text and i havent had my coffee yet so idk how coherent this is, but i hope it helped!

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Chocolata wrote:
First fo all, thank you so much for that long text, I greatly appreciate all the info you have put together for me!
Let's see, I have a few things to add/answer:

1. Where would you get the second opinion? Would my gp suffice or should I try to book an appointment with a different therapist? The latter would take at least a month since therapists barely have open spots.
I've been wanting to stop going to therapy so often, we argue regularly and I never feel like she truly understands or helps me, I feel like I'm all on my own and like she sees me as a fragile doll or something, which I'm not. She also never really specifies anything, neither why I should be hospitalized nor what she thinks about me or what she is secretly planning. Sadly I can't get out now, we just agreed on sending a request to my health insurance for more hours and I would have to first find a new therapist and to find out if my hours can be transferred to that person.

I have never self-harmed or harmed anyone else. My guess is that she feels like I'm too much for her. There was a really difficult experience in my life last year and all I had wanted was a friend to take me to a cafe or who listens to me and comforts me. Since I didn't have that, I was a mess when I came to therapy and felt terrible. Yes, I often have auto-aggressive thoughts and I feel like I'm gonna die just by sitting there but I don't do anything! I had been hoping that she would listen to my experience, offer her opinion on it and show me what I could do to reduce or stop that mental state I was in. Instead, she asked if I would like to go inpatient. Last time I actually confronted her with that and she said "Oh, you understood it that way? Interesting. Well, I thought you just were in a bad place." or something like that.
I also often feel empty and sometimes can barely get out of bed or anything and she said that she wants to keep an eye on that or else she will refuse to treat me if I don't go inpatient.
This makes me barely want to open up to her anymore. And she thinks it's part of bpd that I am closed off towards her? Actually, even my online friends think that I belong in a clinic and I feel like I have no one's support in that matter. All I want is to learn how to deal with my emotions.
Oh and my therapist also often says that I have too many things to talk about in 50 minutes per week so that's also why she wants me to go.

2. I have a question about this. Do therapists pay attention to whether bpds actually had bad experiences with people that led to their bpd? I have a history of bullying and losing friends which probably made me become this way. When I read about bpd and dbt, I often feel like people think that we're just like this randomly but in my experience, people leave me regularly, not even at my own fault most of the times.
It also feels weird to learn how to socialize "correctly" because I do know how it works, I'm just scared of being other people's door mat, like I always end up being.

Whew, that modem example you gave really sounds familiar. I'm so tired of sitting around and having to say "I feel the ground underneath my feet", etc. I tried and that's the least helpful thing I learned. Still, my therapist loves doing it.

Thanks for the advice on apologizing and explaining behaviors. Actually, you reassured me that my ex wasn't the right person for me to be with in the first place but that's not the main focus of this conversation here and also a story from the past. It's probably helpful to look for people who treat us genuinely and are good for us, even if we get mad at them sometimes.
What I worry about is never being able to find anyone to try connecting with ever again. I have like two real life friends left and I forget about their existence so often, being around them feels exhausting most of the time too. You said to explain e.g. why we disappear sometimes and I actually tried that before, sadly it didn't have much effect. I guess that's another one pointing at my friends not being the best I could have.

Still, I'll keep these explanations in mind and hopefully I can put them to use someday!

3. Wow, it's great that you can talk with your boss or whoever it is about mental health! In my experience, just mentioning that you have mental health problems can lead to not finding a job in my country and it's so sad. Luckily I'm currently employed for a family member so that's no trouble, I hope that I will continue having this job and enjoying it (because that can change any day, hahaha).

4. Actually, there is one more question: Did you tell your family about your diagnosis?
I currently live and work with my family and I'm not sure if I should tell them. They do know that I go to therapy and they are well aware of me having issues but so far, they haven't proven themselves to be helpful. I actually feel guilty for going to therapy and for being the "fuck up". I don't want to put more stress on them since I'm not the only "problem child" we have and my parents have expressed guilty feelings towards me. Not saying anything feels bad too though.

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