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anyone else have one Bad parent
Kit
National star



kruspersille wrote:
idk i think ur sibling is allowed to feel however they want to feel abt u bullying them growing up
for all we know, that could be something that really stuck w them, n might also be why they're projecting that onto others now
but then again, i dont know you, i dont know ur sibling, i dont know at whate age u bullied them n how old they are now
yhh idk i really dont wanna b like "they're not allowed to feel that way" bc like ? that's their feelings ? 
thats fine ? its just like . idk comparing me to my abuser, telling me im a lost cause & not worth forgiveness, but then also insisting that i keep trying and doing everything for them to try and earn that forgiveness when they'll never actually forgive me ? is an impossible situation for me idk

but ya i acknowledge i was a bully nd that that had a huge impact on them, but i also think they're displacing a lot of their feelings about our abusive father onto me bc im "safer" than he is to get angry at idk 
Pavlov
International star



Pavlov wrote:
Nesta wrote:
Pavlov wrote:
i guess they like absorb them into their body or something
yes that i think i've heard that 
terrifying it reminds me of a tiktok
youtu.be/TqhMF5V8fQ4?t=178
Account deleted




Kit wrote:
kruspersille wrote:
idk i think ur sibling is allowed to feel however they want to feel abt u bullying them growing up
for all we know, that could be something that really stuck w them, n might also be why they're projecting that onto others now
but then again, i dont know you, i dont know ur sibling, i dont know at whate age u bullied them n how old they are now
yhh idk i really dont wanna b like "they're not allowed to feel that way" bc like ? that's their feelings ? 
thats fine ? its just like . idk comparing me to my abuser, telling me im a lost cause & not worth forgiveness, but then also insisting that i keep trying and doing everything for them to try and earn that forgiveness when they'll never actually forgive me ? is an impossible situation for me idk
*Erasing all the extra comments I was thinking about writing and just asking the question but also add text wall at the end*
Have you ever like properly apologize to her? Like sit down and talk about it for a while. B\c I think airing it out, if even just a little, can help her see how it was for you and you learn how much it affected her.  And then you may start to understand each other a little better. 

I don't rly think like doing everything for someone is going to give you forgiveness. It shouldn't even be required to do "everything for someone" if that everything is basic tasks that is within that person's own responsibility. Like she's probably hurting, but she still has to contribute. She can't stay the victim to it forever. She may not be ready to forgive you, but you can forgive yourself for what you did, and you can apologize to her - profoundly - and try to open a dialogue about it so you both can try to understand each other better. Or at least, try to explain but not excuse the way you acted, recognize that you know it hurt her, and that you are really sorry and that you are working on doing better (or have already changed). Then show that change with your actions, with unlearning bad habits or patterns that act out against her as a result. But don't let her stay the victim of it forever by doing everything for her.  She still has to deal with her stuff. And that's on her, in her own time. And maybe at a point, she's willing to forgive you for what you did. But forgiveness anyways is more for the person giving it that the person receiving it imo.  At least if you haven't already forgiven yourself for the stuff you did that wasn't right.

I think that you also could try to tell her that some of the things she says (be specific) hurts you. She may not realize that while she's hurting she is also maybe unintentionally hurting others in a way to try to hut less herself. 


anyways these are just speculations. take what u think may be helpful, leave the rest. I need to go work on stuff.
Private
World famous



I have seen that happen alot, never had it happen to me tho
Account deleted




Kit wrote:
also lowkey they bully ppl on the internet in their shitty lil fandoms n loves to tell me abt it as a joke and im like . cannot support that kinda behavior but if im like "actually u sound kinda mean" they'll fucking lose it at me and im like

u literally blame me for all ur self esteem issues bc i called u "annoying" as a kid and u cant see how ? mocking someone for being upset when u call them annoying is ? cruel tasteless and kinda fucking sociopathic omfg 

pls go get urself an empathy they're free at the store this weekend pls . 
kit this is so true, except i never became a bully (i hope oof)
Private
Youtube star



no one is obligated to forgive you n considering ur sibling got traumatized by your parent's abuse while also maybe getting traumatized by you bullying them this sounds kinda reasonable imo
Kit
National star



Limbs wrote:
no one is obligated to forgive you n considering ur sibling got traumatized by your parent's abuse while also maybe getting traumatized by you bullying them this sounds kinda reasonable imo
ur absolutely right that no one is obligated to forgive me, but if they're never going to forgive me then i don't see how they can also demand that i work for their forgiveness. & blaming me for our abusive father is not fair. i cannot police their feelings but our father is not my fault. i do not want to downplay or dismiss their trauma. i will wholly accept that a lot of things in our childhood were my fault. i refuse to accept that those things were my responsibility because i was also a traumatized child & not their parent.
Private
Youtube star



Kit wrote:
Limbs wrote:
no one is obligated to forgive you n considering ur sibling got traumatized by your parent's abuse while also maybe getting traumatized by you bullying them this sounds kinda reasonable imo
ur absolutely right that no one is obligated to forgive me, but if they're never going to forgive me then i don't see how they can also demand that i work for their forgiveness. & blaming me for our abusive father is not fair. i cannot police their feelings but our father is not my fault. i do not want to downplay or dismiss their trauma. i will wholly accept that a lot of things in our childhood were my fault. i refuse to accept that those things were my responsibility because i was also a traumatized child & not their parent.
yeh, i get what you're saying. i just think maybe your sibling is not really reacting rationally to you because of their trauma? and like. maybe they're just not capable of being fair yet. you don't have to take ur sibling blaming you as truth but i feel like you can't rlly demand them to stop reacting based on their trauma either. maybe it would be healthy for both of you to take some distance, & let your sibling process stuff on their own? even if they protest at first
Kit
National star



Limbs wrote:
Kit wrote:
Limbs wrote:
no one is obligated to forgive you n considering ur sibling got traumatized by your parent's abuse while also maybe getting traumatized by you bullying them this sounds kinda reasonable imo
ur absolutely right that no one is obligated to forgive me, but if they're never going to forgive me then i don't see how they can also demand that i work for their forgiveness. & blaming me for our abusive father is not fair. i cannot police their feelings but our father is not my fault. i do not want to downplay or dismiss their trauma. i will wholly accept that a lot of things in our childhood were my fault. i refuse to accept that those things were my responsibility because i was also a traumatized child & not their parent.
yeh, i get what you're saying. i just think maybe your sibling is not really reacting rationally to you because of their trauma? and like. maybe they're just not capable of being fair yet. you don't have to take ur sibling blaming you as truth but i feel like you can't rlly demand them to stop reacting based on their trauma either. maybe it would be healthy for both of you to take some distance, & let your sibling process stuff on their own? even if they protest at first
yea for sure, idk we live on opposite ends of the world nd so i feel like we have enough distance ? and we talk once a week bc it's important to both of us to make sure we still have contact and are working on our issues with each other and rebuilding trust etc. ? i think we both just r having a hard time with like. the time needed to process these things vs. the kind of urgency we feel to repair our relationship / resolve our shit together. nd idk it's just hard and i'm really afraid i'm gonna be like 35 and not have a relationship w my sister bc they've written me off entirely. & more than how i feel abt it i think it would be devastating for my mom too honestly
Private
International star



I feel you. I bullied my sister too but at least she never got to experience the abuse as I took all the shots for her. Not sure if she'll ever understand how hard I protected her though
Private
World famous



literally like not even joking but this is the exact situation of my fam aparT from the overt awfulness
like I'm the older sib, fam split cos of dad (me really like that's where the issue was tbh) n I used 2 treat her horribly cos she could do no wrong as a child whereas I was the ""problem"" in his eyes
n now we've grown up I'm rly nice 2 her always n always feel guilty n shit whereas she could like ?? kinda care less abt me tbh lol but doesn't outright be horrible n has her moments of kindness but like. she's a lovely human 2 everyone but me 99% of the time n was sooo fuckin weird reading ur whole thing n bein like relate relate relate wtf. it was my worst fear that she would hate me/behave 2 me the way ur describing so like. sendin all the love n good vibes cos idk what I would hav done if she'd been/is/was/whatever more outwardly like..... disdainful. if that even makes sense
Kit
National star



Gvaudoin wrote:
I feel you. I bullied my sister too but at least she never got to experience the abuse as I took all the shots for her. Not sure if she'll ever understand how hard I protected her though
ajhkgldsfklds fuckin . this ? like... i dont think that anything good i did takes away from the bad things i did ? just that like.... it's frustrating when they wont acknowledge how much i protected them n fought for them. like. the only reason they got the mental health care they needed was bc i didn't, and i knew the signs and fought for them w my mom, & eventually moved out to give them space. nd i don't think they need to b "grateful" for that but it would b nice to have it at least acknowledged u kno
Kit
National star



Salem wrote:
literally like not even joking but this is the exact situation of my fam aparT from the overt awfulness
like I'm the older sib, fam split cos of dad (me really like that's where the issue was tbh) n I used 2 treat her horribly cos she could do no wrong as a child whereas I was the ""problem"" in his eyes
n now we've grown up I'm rly nice 2 her always n always feel guilty n shit whereas she could like ?? kinda care less abt me tbh lol but doesn't outright be horrible n has her moments of kindness but like. she's a lovely human 2 everyone but me 99% of the time n was sooo fuckin weird reading ur whole thing n bein like relate relate relate wtf. it was my worst fear that she would hate me/behave 2 me the way ur describing so like. sendin all the love n good vibes cos idk what I would hav done if she'd been/is/was/whatever more outwardly like..... disdainful. if that even makes sense
jklfdsflsa yeah like ? i dont wanna make excuses for my behavior but. we were constantly being pitted against each other as children nd they were always the "better" child. our dad favored them really heavily nd really stoked competition between us nd like ? we were both in really unsafe situations w him ? nd they would also use their sort of im the younger sibling and automatically the victim thing to put me in rly unsafe situations w my dad especially ? and idk their rly black/white view of what happened and our interactions is impossible to deal with yk

idk cant help but feel like its also like. idk my duty to make it up to them by just letting them be super condescending n dismissive n aggressive to me now for a few years to make up for it or whatever ? but like they're an adult now . i was a child then. & if i thought it would actually resolve it i would just let them but ? n idk they just have this idea that it's their god given right to be mean to me now and forever nd its impossible to break thru
Kit
National star



oooof u ever get parentified by ur single parent ( & also ur other abusive absentee parent ) to the point where ur own sister feels justified in treating u as if u were their parent instead of their sibling & feels they do not owe u any kind of mutuality but u owe them everything and then some
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