hey, serious relationship advice needed - Forum

Solar
National star

Solar wrote:
i want to break up with my girlfriend. i love her, but not in the way she deserves to be loved. i see her more as a rly good friend, and i dont feel romantic towards her anymore. the problem is that i dont want to lose her. as i said, i do love her, i like spending time with her and shes just part of my life. however there are certain problems i cant ignore (she doesnt rly trust me, she cant be alone for one day, she gets upset when i meet up with friends, we can never argue only fight and i dislike her family). but how the f do i break up with her when shes such a big BIG part of my life? i have rarely been without her since january and to just say 'ok, this is it, see you never'? i cant do that. but i also know things will get weird if we keep hanging out afterwards. also, she really really loves ME which makes it al so fucking hard!!! how how how do i do this. im around 70-80% sure i want to break up. but no one ever told me it would be this complicated ...

BEWAREARTEMIS
National star

BEWAREARTEMIS wrote:
Perhaps you both need time alone to understand your feelings. It seems like there isn't a really good communication between you and your girlfriend, and it'd be nice to start to reflect on your needs and your feelings in general. Maybe tell her that you need time, and that you still don't want to lose her as a friend

Solar
National star

Solar wrote:

BEWAREARTEMIS wrote:
Perhaps you both need time alone to understand your feelings. It seems like there isn't a really good communication between you and your girlfriend, and it'd be nice to start to reflect on your needs and your feelings in general. Maybe tell her that you need time, and that you still don't want to lose her as a friend

i have told her many times that i need some alone time every now and then. however she takes this as a personal offense, even thoughive told her many many times that its not personal at all (and it wasnt, back then). she then gets angry with me and just says things like 'ok. im sorry im so horrible to be around.' which just proves how terrible our communication is. and in the end t results in me not getting any alone time. this has happened more than 5 times soo saying i want time alone doesn't really work :/ I just rly dont want to kiss her anymore, i feel uncomfortable if we try to do sexy stuff and i want to go back to the singles life as well. i feel kind of trapped, mostly bc i cant do shit on my owm anymore and WHEN i do things on my own i have to fight for it. like we literally fight ALWAYS EVERY TIME i want to do something on my own

BEWAREARTEMIS
National star

BEWAREARTEMIS wrote:

Conqueror wrote:

BEWAREARTEMIS wrote:
Perhaps you both need time alone to understand your feelings. It seems like there isn't a really good communication between you and your girlfriend, and it'd be nice to start to reflect on your needs and your feelings in general. Maybe tell her that you need time, and that you still don't want to lose her as a friend

i have told her many times that i need some alone time every now and then. however she takes this as a personal offense, even thoughive told her many many times that its not personal at all (and it wasnt, back then). she then gets angry with me and just says things like 'ok. im sorry im so horrible to be around.' which just proves how terrible our communication is. and in the end t results in me not getting any alone time. this has happened more than 5 times soo saying i want time alone doesn't really work :/ I just rly dont want to kiss her anymore, i feel uncomfortable if we try to do sexy stuff and i want to go back to the singles life as well. i feel kind of trapped, mostly bc i cant do shit on my owm anymore and WHEN i do things on my own i have to fight for it. like we literally fight ALWAYS EVERY TIME i want to do something on my own

That seems like a really unhealthy relationship. Have you considered going to therapy with her and see the root of the miscommunication?

Private
Popstar

ouch wrote:
Exact same as me n my ex, first he blocked me evrywhere n then I got him to unblock me cus it was stressing me out n now we r fuckbuddies (juat so its not awkward) n can meet n hang out etc so mayb break up but let her know she can message u if u want n then mayb make a deal after a couple of weeks or smth if thats smth u both want isk

Solar
National star

Solar wrote:

BEWAREARTEMIS wrote:

Conqueror wrote:

BEWAREARTEMIS wrote:
Perhaps you both need time alone to understand your feelings. It seems like there isn't a really good communication between you and your girlfriend, and it'd be nice to start to reflect on your needs and your feelings in general. Maybe tell her that you need time, and that you still don't want to lose her as a friend

i have told her many times that i need some alone time every now and then. however she takes this as a personal offense, even thoughive told her many many times that its not personal at all (and it wasnt, back then). she then gets angry with me and just says things like 'ok. im sorry im so horrible to be around.' which just proves how terrible our communication is. and in the end t results in me not getting any alone time. this has happened more than 5 times soo saying i want time alone doesn't really work :/ I just rly dont want to kiss her anymore, i feel uncomfortable if we try to do sexy stuff and i want to go back to the singles life as well. i feel kind of trapped, mostly bc i cant do shit on my owm anymore and WHEN i do things on my own i have to fight for it. like we literally fight ALWAYS EVERY TIME i want to do something on my own

That seems like a really unhealthy relationship. Have you considered going to therapy with her and see the root of the miscommunication?

i havent. i dont think i want to, bc i cant imagine how draining that would be .. i already feel drained often if we have bad days or weeks so i dont really want to fight for it, maybe, an that sounds absolutely horrible but idk if i think its worth the effort.. i dont think shes 'the one' i guess. but the breaking up part is just too hard rn and idk what to do and every choice sucks

Private
Popstar

skeIeton wrote:

Conqueror wrote:

BEWAREARTEMIS wrote:
Perhaps you both need time alone to understand your feelings. It seems like there isn't a really good communication between you and your girlfriend, and it'd be nice to start to reflect on your needs and your feelings in general. Maybe tell her that you need time, and that you still don't want to lose her as a friend

i have told her many times that i need some alone time every now and then. however she takes this as a personal offense, even thoughive told her many many times that its not personal at all (and it wasnt, back then). she then gets angry with me and just says things like 'ok. im sorry im so horrible to be around.' which just proves how terrible our communication is. and in the end t results in me not getting any alone time. this has happened more than 5 times soo saying i want time alone doesn't really work :/ I just rly dont want to kiss her anymore, i feel uncomfortable if we try to do sexy stuff and i want to go back to the singles life as well. i feel kind of trapped, mostly bc i cant do shit on my owm anymore and WHEN i do things on my own i have to fight for it. like we literally fight ALWAYS EVERY TIME i want to do something on my own

not letting you have alone time it straight up abusive

so is her saying what i bolded. its not that she doesn't get what ur saying, she's being manipulative

i really think u need to cut ties with her

Solar
National star

Solar wrote:

ouch wrote:
Exact same as me n my ex, first he blocked me evrywhere n then I got him to unblock me cus it was stressing me out n now we r fuckbuddies (juat so its not awkward) n can meet n hang out etc so mayb break up but let her know she can message u if u want n then mayb make a deal after a couple of weeks or smth if thats smth u both want isk

maybe, i could think abt it. idk if shed want that though and idk if i wpuld

BEWAREARTEMIS
National star

BEWAREARTEMIS wrote:

Conqueror wrote:

BEWAREARTEMIS wrote:

Conqueror wrote:
i have told her many times that i need some alone time every now and then. however she takes this as a personal offense, even thoughive told her many many times that its not personal at all (and it wasnt, back then). she then gets angry with me and just says things like 'ok. im sorry im so horrible to be around.' which just proves how terrible our communication is. and in the end t results in me not getting any alone time. this has happened more than 5 times soo saying i want time alone doesn't really work :/ I just rly dont want to kiss her anymore, i feel uncomfortable if we try to do sexy stuff and i want to go back to the singles life as well. i feel kind of trapped, mostly bc i cant do shit on my owm anymore and WHEN i do things on my own i have to fight for it. like we literally fight ALWAYS EVERY TIME i want to do something on my own

That seems like a really unhealthy relationship. Have you considered going to therapy with her and see the root of the miscommunication?

i havent. i dont think i want to, bc i cant imagine how draining that would be .. i already feel drained often if we have bad days or weeks so i dont really want to fight for it, maybe, an that sounds absolutely horrible but idk if i think its worth the effort.. i dont think shes 'the one' i guess. but the breaking up part is just too hard rn and idk what to do and every choice sucks

No, it's not horrible, it's totally understandable. Maybe your only option is to be clear about not desiring a relationship with her anymore, and maybe you should go to therapy because it really seemed like she tried to manipulate you emotionally

Solar
National star

Solar wrote:

skeIeton wrote:

Conqueror wrote:

BEWAREARTEMIS wrote:
Perhaps you both need time alone to understand your feelings. It seems like there isn't a really good communication between you and your girlfriend, and it'd be nice to start to reflect on your needs and your feelings in general. Maybe tell her that you need time, and that you still don't want to lose her as a friend

i have told her many times that i need some alone time every now and then. however she takes this as a personal offense, even thoughive told her many many times that its not personal at all (and it wasnt, back then). she then gets angry with me and just says things like 'ok. im sorry im so horrible to be around.' which just proves how terrible our communication is. and in the end t results in me not getting any alone time. this has happened more than 5 times soo saying i want time alone doesn't really work :/ I just rly dont want to kiss her anymore, i feel uncomfortable if we try to do sexy stuff and i want to go back to the singles life as well. i feel kind of trapped, mostly bc i cant do shit on my owm anymore and WHEN i do things on my own i have to fight for it. like we literally fight ALWAYS EVERY TIME i want to do something on my own

not letting you have alone time it straight up abusive

so is her saying what i bolded. its not that she doesn't get what ur saying, she's being manipulative

i really think u need to cut ties with her

yeah, i figured. she doesnt mean to be abusive though.. i trul truly believes she doesnt mean to be. so is it fair for me to break up with her bc of that..? idk idk

Private
Popstar

ouch wrote:

Conqueror wrote:

ouch wrote:
Exact same as me n my ex, first he blocked me evrywhere n then I got him to unblock me cus it was stressing me out n now we r fuckbuddies (juat so its not awkward) n can meet n hang out etc so mayb break up but let her know she can message u if u want n then mayb make a deal after a couple of weeks or smth if thats smth u both want isk

maybe, i could think abt it. idk if shed want that though and idk if i wpuld

Yeah tbh it b different for everyone, good luck regardless of what u do tho

Private
World famous

remains wrote:
breakups are always shit and complicated but it seems inevitable for you since she doesn't seem to understand you or your needs.
even if she isn't being manipulative on purpose, it's not good for you. It is a fair reason to break up. If you can't or feel uncomfortable communicating your needs to her, it's a valid reason to break up. If you don't love her in a romantic way, it's a valid reason to break up.

Private
Popstar

skeIeton wrote:

Conqueror wrote:

skeIeton wrote:

Conqueror wrote:
i have told her many times that i need some alone time every now and then. however she takes this as a personal offense, even thoughive told her many many times that its not personal at all (and it wasnt, back then). she then gets angry with me and just says things like 'ok. im sorry im so horrible to be around.' which just proves how terrible our communication is. and in the end t results in me not getting any alone time. this has happened more than 5 times soo saying i want time alone doesn't really work :/ I just rly dont want to kiss her anymore, i feel uncomfortable if we try to do sexy stuff and i want to go back to the singles life as well. i feel kind of trapped, mostly bc i cant do shit on my owm anymore and WHEN i do things on my own i have to fight for it. like we literally fight ALWAYS EVERY TIME i want to do something on my own

not letting you have alone time it straight up abusive

so is her saying what i bolded. its not that she doesn't get what ur saying, she's being manipulative

i really think u need to cut ties with her

yeah, i figured. she doesnt mean to be abusive though.. i trul truly believes she doesnt mean to be. so is it fair for me to break up with her bc of that..? idk idk

it's absolutely fair

even if she doesnt mean it, she's still doing it, it's still hurting u

u never need an excuse or to feel bad for leaving an abusive relationship

Solar
National star

Solar wrote:

BEWAREARTEMIS wrote:

Conqueror wrote:

BEWAREARTEMIS wrote:
That seems like a really unhealthy relationship. Have you considered going to therapy with her and see the root of the miscommunication?

i havent. i dont think i want to, bc i cant imagine how draining that would be .. i already feel drained often if we have bad days or weeks so i dont really want to fight for it, maybe, an that sounds absolutely horrible but idk if i think its worth the effort.. i dont think shes 'the one' i guess. but the breaking up part is just too hard rn and idk what to do and every choice sucks

No, it's not horrible, it's totally understandable. Maybe your only option is to be clear about not desiring a relationship with her anymore, and maybe you should go to therapy because it really seemed like she tried to manipulate you emotionally

i feel so bad abt it though !!! bc i know she rly loves me a lot and i just dont want to put in the effort anymore. shes also really scared that i break up with her.
maybe i should be clear, but then i lose someone important to me and thats like the scariest step ive ever taken. i really dont know what ill do if i lose her or what shell do. she has bad mental health already and idk what if i make it even worse you know

Solar
National star

Solar wrote:

bones wrote:
breakups are always shit and complicated but it seems inevitable for you since she doesn't seem to understand you or your needs.
even if she isn't being manipulative on purpose, it's not good for you. It is a fair reason to break up. If you can't or feel uncomfortable communicating your needs to her, it's a valid reason to break up. If you don't love her in a romantic way, it's a valid reason to break up.

and @ skeleton thanks ;w; i really needed to hear that. its still gonna be REALLY hard and idk if ill actually do it. but at least i know im not crazy

BEWAREARTEMIS
National star

BEWAREARTEMIS wrote:

Conqueror wrote:

BEWAREARTEMIS wrote:

Conqueror wrote:
i havent. i dont think i want to, bc i cant imagine how draining that would be .. i already feel drained often if we have bad days or weeks so i dont really want to fight for it, maybe, an that sounds absolutely horrible but idk if i think its worth the effort.. i dont think shes 'the one' i guess. but the breaking up part is just too hard rn and idk what to do and every choice sucks

No, it's not horrible, it's totally understandable. Maybe your only option is to be clear about not desiring a relationship with her anymore, and maybe you should go to therapy because it really seemed like she tried to manipulate you emotionally

i feel so bad abt it though !!! bc i know she rly loves me a lot and i just dont want to put in the effort anymore. shes also really scared that i break up with her.
maybe i should be clear, but then i lose someone important to me and thats like the scariest step ive ever taken. i really dont know what ill do if i lose her or what shell do. she has bad mental health already and idk what if i make it even worse you know

It's valid to feel scared about losing her, but you should know that this relationship will make you lose it. It's straight up abusive, and you should try to help her, but in a way that it doesn't hurt you either. Convince her to go to therapy so she can solve or try to solve any mental health issue she might have, and so she recognizes that she is abusing you