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General < General
controlling parent
Private
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Chocolata wrote:
Oh God I always post about my problems here but it's the only place where I feel relatively safe with them?

So anyway, I'm basically an emotional captive of my single parent. I'm a legal adult but school pretty much ruined my mental health for a while and my parent added to it and this caused me to be a mess for years. It has calmed down a lot lately but I finally reached the point at which I have enough.
I feel like I'm constantly being watched and monitored at home, I'm scared that all my behavior is being interpreted and analyzed (this happened in the past and I was suspected to be suicidal and taking drugs which was both wrong!). I also get guilt-tripped often, they tell me that they don't have anyone but me, no other children, no partner, no friends and they distrust their relatives.
I can't simply just go anywhere, I have to explain when and where I go to with who and if I don't answer my phone in time, they get mad and hold a speech at me. They actually sat at home crying when I came back late without telling them once.

Moving out would be the solution but I don't know what to do since I work at the same place as the parent (not with them) and I like my job a lot and want to learn it but I can't justify moving out to them because we're so close to work. They would just guilt trip me again and giving me the silent treatment, then turning it against me and saying that I have issues.
I also study at the same time and I don't think I can handle job training in a completely different job at the same time. I feel so lost and confused about everything.
10
Posts: 111
Date: 03-07-2020 13:12
Garybeans
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garybeans wrote:
I'm sorry about that. You deserve a better environment. It is very hard to change something like this, I am guessing this has been going on for years and that it's very hard to break free from this family-situation. I do not feel like bringing up my family problems but just mentioning that you are not alone. A therapist might recommend to get help from the outside, since it's so hard to break a long on-going toxic family dynamic by yourself. Also don't feel guilty about wanting to move out and live your life. You are not the parent. You do not have to take care of them before yourself. This really sucks but I believe you won't be in this situation forever <3
17
Posts: 1217
Date: 03-07-2020 13:23
Private
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Chocolata wrote:
Thank you for your understanding and support.
Yes, it has been like this for probably all my life, but I didn't always realize it. I had a therapist until recently but they thought I had bpd and only wanted to teach me the dbt method or send me inpatient. They even said that my family problems were due to my "bpd" and that it was my fault.
I really hope that I can find a way to get out. It's so stressful...
10
Posts: 111
Date: 03-07-2020 13:28
Private
Popstar



Horcrux wrote:
As someone who also has a controlling parent I can definitely recommend moving out. It won't make things stop but it does help a lot and I found a change in my mental health.

You've said you enjoy your job but if its at the same place and you interact while there I would also recommend getting a new job. The best thing you can do is distance yourself from them so that you get your independence. It'll be difficult to do but it will be worth it. 
19
Posts: 23416
Date: 03-07-2020 13:30
Private
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Chocolata wrote:
Hypoxic wrote:
As someone who also has a controlling parent I can definitely recommend moving out. It won't make things stop but it does help a lot and I found a change in my mental health.

You've said you enjoy your job but if its at the same place and you interact while there I would also recommend getting a new job. The best thing you can do is distance yourself from them so that you get your independence. It'll be difficult to do but it will be worth it. 

This is where I get stuck at. I don't know what job I should get instead. I love my studying but it's not gonna be a reliable source of income and if I am completely honest, everything that I wanted was given to me. I'm not used to working for my needs. I find it extremely hard to even motivate myself to work and I also look down upon people having a "regular" job. If I just went to a university here in my country, I could move out simply for that but sadly it's more complicated. I feel like I'm blocking myself in that regard. And I think that even if I got a different job and told my parent about it, they would ask why the fuck I want that job and they would cry and all that abusive stuff... God.
10
Posts: 111
Date: 03-07-2020 13:46
Private
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Limbs wrote:
tbh you don't have to justify moving out to your parent, you're an adult and you're allowed to make your own choices. you could try and find an apartment and only tell them when you've got it arranged. distancing yourself from them emotionally would probably be for the best imo, it's your call how close of a relationship you want to have with them but consider if they're helping or hurting you more. even if they're family you don't have to put up with them treating you badly. if you work in the same place maybe you could just keep things professional? like, just don't engage them in other discussions and if they start acting out because of that they'd probably get in trouble with the boss anyway.
16
Posts: 9825
Date: 03-07-2020 13:56
Private
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Limbs wrote:
www.healthline.com/health/grey-rock
^ read this
16
Posts: 9825
Date: 03-07-2020 13:58
Private
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Chocolata wrote:
Limbs wrote:
www.healthline.com/health/grey-rock
^ read this

Thank you for recommending this! So important!
10
Posts: 111
Date: 03-07-2020 14:10
Private
Youtube star



Chocolata wrote:
Limbs wrote:
tbh you don't have to justify moving out to your parent, you're an adult and you're allowed to make your own choices. you could try and find an apartment and only tell them when you've got it arranged. distancing yourself from them emotionally would probably be for the best imo, it's your call how close of a relationship you want to have with them but consider if they're helping or hurting you more. even if they're family you don't have to put up with them treating you badly. if you work in the same place maybe you could just keep things professional? like, just don't engage them in other discussions and if they start acting out because of that they'd probably get in trouble with the boss anyway.

The problem is that they are one of my bosses... The others are fine but not them.
I'm kinda considering to change my job tbh, it's just so difficult. I chose that job because I didn't know what else to do and I still have no idea other than freelance work and my strategies don't seem to be bringing in any paid work.
They also use me as an emotional dumping place on which they can put all their troubles at work, btw.
10
Posts: 111
Date: 03-07-2020 14:13
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