I'm just venting because I have no one - Forum

Danielle wrote:
To talk to

Im really not trying to brag so I hope it doesn't sound that way. But whenever I go out or go shopping like I did today, I always seem to get looks from men or younger guys. I always notice when people are looking at me or the way they react to me but maybe thats just because I'm hyper aware of who is around me? I say people but I mean men, I just don't want to say it. Anyway, sometimes it makes me feel good about myself but then I get home and look at myself in the mirror and I'm just like "oh.... sad

". I dont look really good and so I just don't understand why I'm getting the reactions I do.
I've always grown up being the ugly one and was picked on and had mean comments said about me or received negative reactions because I'm ew. I still see myself as an ugly kid. Because of that, I wonder that I put a lot of effort into my appearance to always look as best I can. I never leave the house without making sure I have done my makeup well, that my hair is nice and that I'm wearing a flattering outfit. Its really important to me. If I go out without it, I am always thinking that people must think I look terrifying or that I look like a boy. I'm really afraid of looking like a boy. Once a kid in middle school said I looked like a boy.
Today for example, I went to the supermarket. I unfortunately know a younger guy that works there and as far as I know, he kind of hates me or doesn't like me because of something that happened once. Anyway, I was walking to the self checkouts and happened to cross paths with him on my way there. He was just coming out of another isle and he saw me and stopped and waited for me to walk past and WATCHED ME WALK to the till. So I got there and I turned around and saw him still looking. Then he decides to walk into the same checkout area and kind of show off by talking to one of his coworkers 2 meters away from me. So he left and I was packing my stuff to leave. And I could feel someone standing really close behind me, so I turned around quickly and the other guy was standing like less than half a meter away from me!? In my face like he was trying to smell me or something. I pretended it didn't happen. So I went to leave the shop entirely and I as I was walking to the exit, I look up and there's another older kind of man looking me up and down and smiling at me as he was walking in and I just ???
Things like this happen to me all the time. And you know I dont live in America. Its not common place for men to hit on you, cat call, be stared at and things like that. Its considered very rude. You are more respectful.
I dont dress provocative. I dont have my tits hanging out. I dont even any. I dont even have an ass so I dont know why they insist on looking when I walk away.
I just can't wrap my head around it.

Danielle wrote:
I am wondering if i want to break up with one of my friends or talk to her about it??? Maybe she doesn't know that she's being mean.

We have fun and talk a lot. We have been friends for a little while now. But we weren't GREAT friends imo. I dont like having many friends so when I want to be friends, I put a lot of effort into it. I used to try to make plans to hang out outside of work but she would always cancel and say " oh, I'm going to do this instead." And I got so annoyed the last time when I tried to do this, she canceled like 3 or 4 times on me. She was very apologetic but I'm just thinking, if I'm truly your friend, you should make time for me, not make me a second option when something else comes up. And she seems to be able to hang out with other people a whole lot more easier than with me. She has never tried to make a plan to hang out with me. Its always me who has to initiate stuff.

When we talk, or when I am speaking, she likes to talk over me and say what she wants to say. Naturally I stop if what I'm saying isn't that big of a deal but she does it too often like what I have to say is never more important than what she wants to say. She often doesn't let me speak at times and its just not fair? It comes off as conceited.
And sometimes, especially if she's just been hanging out with a certain person, she will speak to me and treat me in a cold way. She can be quite mean.
Something like that happened the other day and I was just trying to have a laugh with her as we usually do and she just kept shutting me down. Then when I tried to make a conversation and asked her a question, she insulted me on one of my insecurities without a laugh or a "im just joking". It was just so cold hearted. I dont understand why she is such a bitch sometimes?

I have noticed for a long time now, after I have spent time with her or when I am, I am always quite negative, less nice and less helpful towards other people. And I just walk away feeling unhappy because she triggers some things in me and it affects my mental health a lot sometimes.

Its just hard to stop being friends with someone when you work with them all the time. I am going to school next year full time so maybe we will fade away? I will make an attempt to talk and hang but if she doesn't put in any effort, I guess that's just gonna be it? The future of out relationship is ultimately up to her.
I only have 3 months left anyway before I start my course so I dont have to deal with it for much longer . And I can make new friends at school and at my work placements. I'm really excited about it.