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My identity is crumbling
Account deleted




wrote:
and I'm furious. I though I felt sadness but now that I'm bawling my eyes out I get flashbacks to the actual pain that was hidden under it all.

I've always been so ''spiritual'', thinking of the higher power because that's been my only hope. Though only something supernatural could save me and that is the thought I clinged to. I couldn't fathom that some people are just bad and it isn't me who was bad and I was being punished my karma. It was never my fault. Makes no fucking sense that I would be punished when all I did in life was barely hanging in there. When people have been mean I've always concluded it is for my soul purpose to suffer, I deserved this. I am myself to blame. It makes me so angry. I've lost so much to fear. I feel stupid almost too. I'm an idiot. My life is a big fucking joke. Who even am I lol. I believe in things that are ''out there'' but I have some more grounded reasons in my head for it. Idk doesn't matter but there certainly isn't place for a punisher in my world anymore. Everything is energy and shit work like that so it makes sense in that way but no concious being is out there to make me suffer for karma or something, right? Please tell me so. I'm sick and tired. I feel lonely. Even with people - I am alone, emotionally. I don't know what I live or where I am. I want to quantum jump but I'm attatched to some stuff. I want to die. No not gonna kill myself I got therapy tomorrow but I genuinly wish I never was born. I am so angry and hurt by everything and nothing. I'm so full of emotion but still hollow.

I hate it I hate it I hate it

I hate how I've dealt with things I didn't need to I don't know why I let people treat me so bad oh wait yes I do because I thought I deserved it. It was the only thing that made sense to me because I felt like I didn't do anything wrong but if people hurt me still then it must be some reason. And that must be me.
Date: 05-11-2020 23:53
Account deleted




wrote:
And nothing soothes my soul anymore and it gives me guilt. I rage and cry and people offer love and positivity but I'm so wounded already that it doesn't feel real. Pathetic of me
Date: 05-11-2020 23:55
Private
World famous



Claire wrote:
it really do be hard to accept that suffering can happen to good people for literally no reason at all i get the wish that its divine punishment because otherwise justice isnt real and thats kind of heart breaking.
21
Posts: 55674
Date: 05-11-2020 23:58
Account deleted




wrote:
Claire wrote:
it really do be hard to accept that suffering can happen to good people for literally no reason at all i get the wish that its divine punishment because otherwise justice isnt real and thats kind of heart breaking.
And it is to the point where it feels wrong to think I'm not a bad person. It is my identity to suffer because it's so much of what I've known and come to learn. I have very few good memories in life.
I've also in addition to this been told that I am in fact a horrible person. I chose to believe that.
Date: 05-11-2020 23:59 | Times changed: 1
Private
World famous



Claire wrote:
C4TH3DR4L wrote:
And nothing soothes my soul anymore and it gives me guilt. I rage and cry and people offer love and positivity but I'm so wounded already that it doesn't feel real. Pathetic of me
natural reactions arent pathetic tho. everythign you feel makes sense in the context of everything that youve been through.  like of course you have a hard time feeling worthy of the love you deserve after living thru all kinds of bullshit. imma keep loving you and having patience that someday youll understand what youre worth.
21
Posts: 55674
Date: 06-11-2020 00:00
Private
World famous



Claire wrote:
C4TH3DR4L wrote:
Claire wrote:
it really do be hard to accept that suffering can happen to good people for literally no reason at all i get the wish that its divine punishment because otherwise justice isnt real and thats kind of heart breaking.
And it is to the point where it feels wrong to think I'm not a bad person. It is my identity to suffer because it's so much of what I've known and come to learn. I have very few good memories in life.
I've also in addition to this been told that I am in fact a horrible person. I chose to believe that.
write down five things that you like about yourself right now.

i can do a few and you can use mine if you want.

i like your sense of humor when it's really dark 
i like your sense of aesthetic and fashion
i like that you support me when i have a hard time even tho you have a hard time too and u dont owe me anything
21
Posts: 55674
Date: 06-11-2020 00:02
Account deleted




wrote:
Claire wrote:
C4TH3DR4L wrote:
And nothing soothes my soul anymore and it gives me guilt. I rage and cry and people offer love and positivity but I'm so wounded already that it doesn't feel real. Pathetic of me
natural reactions arent pathetic tho. everythign you feel makes sense in the context of everything that youve been through.  like of course you have a hard time feeling worthy of the love you deserve after living thru all kinds of bullshit. imma keep loving you and having patience that someday youll understand what youre worth.
You have from the very first day been the most understanding person here I don't know how I can thank you properly enough
Date: 06-11-2020 00:02
Private
World famous



Claire wrote:
like idk who these guys are that dont think youre a good person but i know that you love animals and that you love really hard. 
21
Posts: 55674
Date: 06-11-2020 00:02
Account deleted




wrote:
Claire wrote:
C4TH3DR4L wrote:
Claire wrote:
it really do be hard to accept that suffering can happen to good people for literally no reason at all i get the wish that its divine punishment because otherwise justice isnt real and thats kind of heart breaking.
And it is to the point where it feels wrong to think I'm not a bad person. It is my identity to suffer because it's so much of what I've known and come to learn. I have very few good memories in life.
I've also in addition to this been told that I am in fact a horrible person. I chose to believe that.
write down five things that you like about yourself right now.

i can do a few and you can use mine if you want.

i like your sense of humor when it's really dark 
i like your sense of aesthetic and fashion
i like that you support me when i have a hard time even tho you have a hard time too and u dont owe me anything
Dude this is too nice I'm crying even harder now but in a good way LOL
Date: 06-11-2020 00:03
Private
World famous



Claire wrote:
C4TH3DR4L wrote:
Claire wrote:
C4TH3DR4L wrote:
And nothing soothes my soul anymore and it gives me guilt. I rage and cry and people offer love and positivity but I'm so wounded already that it doesn't feel real. Pathetic of me
natural reactions arent pathetic tho. everythign you feel makes sense in the context of everything that youve been through.  like of course you have a hard time feeling worthy of the love you deserve after living thru all kinds of bullshit. imma keep loving you and having patience that someday youll understand what youre worth.
You have from the very first day been the most understanding person here I don't know how I can thank you properly enough
i get a sense of fulfillment knowing that i can be a person who can try to understand dont ever feel like you owe me 
21
Posts: 55674
Date: 06-11-2020 00:03
Private
World famous



Claire wrote:
C4TH3DR4L wrote:
Claire wrote:
C4TH3DR4L wrote:
And it is to the point where it feels wrong to think I'm not a bad person. It is my identity to suffer because it's so much of what I've known and come to learn. I have very few good memories in life.
I've also in addition to this been told that I am in fact a horrible person. I chose to believe that.
write down five things that you like about yourself right now.

i can do a few and you can use mine if you want.

i like your sense of humor when it's really dark 
i like your sense of aesthetic and fashion
i like that you support me when i have a hard time even tho you have a hard time too and u dont owe me anything
Dude this is too nice I'm crying even harder now but in a good way LOL
really tho you need to write down a list of things you like about yourself i mean its nice coming from me but you gotta write at least five so you can have some self love. write em down somewhere you can go back to next time you feel like you do right now. like a reference sheet reasons why vp's c4th3dr4l is great and cool and worthy of love. 
21
Posts: 55674
Date: 06-11-2020 00:04
Account deleted




wrote:
Claire wrote:
C4TH3DR4L wrote:
Claire wrote:
natural reactions arent pathetic tho. everythign you feel makes sense in the context of everything that youve been through.  like of course you have a hard time feeling worthy of the love you deserve after living thru all kinds of bullshit. imma keep loving you and having patience that someday youll understand what youre worth.
You have from the very first day been the most understanding person here I don't know how I can thank you properly enough
i get a sense of fulfillment knowing that i can be a person who can try to understand dont ever feel like you owe me 
Date: 06-11-2020 00:05
Account deleted




wrote:
Claire wrote:
C4TH3DR4L wrote:
Claire wrote:
write down five things that you like about yourself right now.

i can do a few and you can use mine if you want.

i like your sense of humor when it's really dark 
i like your sense of aesthetic and fashion
i like that you support me when i have a hard time even tho you have a hard time too and u dont owe me anything
Dude this is too nice I'm crying even harder now but in a good way LOL
really tho you need to write down a list of things you like about yourself i mean its nice coming from me but you gotta write at least five so you can have some self love. write em down somewhere you can go back to next time you feel like you do right now. like a reference sheet reasons why vp's c4th3dr4l is great and cool and worthy of love. 
I'll try to make one at a notepad on my laptop
Date: 06-11-2020 00:06
Private
World famous



Claire wrote:
looks like i picked the wrong day to send stuff back to u on vp lmao i was like 'she should be feeling better i can send her stuff back right?' lmao. 
21
Posts: 55674
Date: 06-11-2020 00:06
Account deleted




wrote:
Claire wrote:
looks like i picked the wrong day to send stuff back to u on vp lmao i was like 'she should be feeling better i can send her stuff back right?' lmao. 
Lool dw ! I don't really want it back though
Date: 06-11-2020 00:08
Private
World famous



Claire wrote:
C4TH3DR4L wrote:
Claire wrote:
looks like i picked the wrong day to send stuff back to u on vp lmao i was like 'she should be feeling better i can send her stuff back right?' lmao. 
Lool dw ! I don't really want it back though
u have to so i dont have doubles in my wardrobe tho
21
Posts: 55674
Date: 06-11-2020 00:08
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