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wrote:
Hi lol
I'm not gonna do something stupid and I am in therapy I just need to get this off my chest
I'm lonely. Because nothing makes me as happy as whatever ideal that lives inside my head. The people there, I'm so attached to them. Maladaptive daydreaming will literally be the end of me because I lose the will to stay alive, because reality is so empty. There have been few and far between anything of value for me in real life. Something that gives me motivation to go on. I know, mentally, that casually have this little resistance for ending it isn't normal. But as I wrote, it's just something I'm mentally aware of, not emotionally something I can feel and comprehend. Because this is for me just how life is lived. Actually, I don't live either, I only endure. And I've endured for longer than I can handle, I think. So emotional that I turn apathic in order to protect myself from spiraling completely out of control. But apathy is temporary and I get a breakdown again. And so it goes on, and on, and on. This isn't a way to live life but it's the only way I know how to. It's really the only thing that has ever worked for me, is to lie to myself and to pretend. Because whatever the fuck is actually going on in reality - I want no part of it. I despise it. I hate everything about it. I cannot fathom how I ended up here, in this life, where nothing brings me happiness. Where I don't deeply connect. Where my feelings don't make sense and where everything is a superficial shitshow for me to play. When I actually don't feel how I'm supposed to. I'm so lonely I can't handle it. I feel lonely alone - I feel lonely with others. But the best is being alone, so I don't have to exhaust myself.
Hi lol
I'm not gonna do something stupid and I am in therapy I just need to get this off my chest
I'm lonely. Because nothing makes me as happy as whatever ideal that lives inside my head. The people there, I'm so attached to them. Maladaptive daydreaming will literally be the end of me because I lose the will to stay alive, because reality is so empty. There have been few and far between anything of value for me in real life. Something that gives me motivation to go on. I know, mentally, that casually have this little resistance for ending it isn't normal. But as I wrote, it's just something I'm mentally aware of, not emotionally something I can feel and comprehend. Because this is for me just how life is lived. Actually, I don't live either, I only endure. And I've endured for longer than I can handle, I think. So emotional that I turn apathic in order to protect myself from spiraling completely out of control. But apathy is temporary and I get a breakdown again. And so it goes on, and on, and on. This isn't a way to live life but it's the only way I know how to. It's really the only thing that has ever worked for me, is to lie to myself and to pretend. Because whatever the fuck is actually going on in reality - I want no part of it. I despise it. I hate everything about it. I cannot fathom how I ended up here, in this life, where nothing brings me happiness. Where I don't deeply connect. Where my feelings don't make sense and where everything is a superficial shitshow for me to play. When I actually don't feel how I'm supposed to. I'm so lonely I can't handle it. I feel lonely alone - I feel lonely with others. But the best is being alone, so I don't have to exhaust myself.
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