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pls can i have an opinion
Iotus
National star



Iotus wrote:
i dont like my bf looking at my phone. dont get me wrong if he needs to use it he knows my password he can like im not going to stop him. but when im on vp, messaging people, ect. and im sat next to him soon as i feel hes looking at my phone i pull it away from his sight like not even on purpose its a subconscious thing. i have been doing it to everyone since i was abt 15 n had a lovely taste of unneeded childhood trauma with the police and my past of dating toxic men (one went absolutely mental i changed my fb password and didnt tell him he only found out because he was trying to read my messages) also didnt help. i also do it out of fear someone will see my phone and make a comment on what im doing (i have bpd soon as anyone says anything that hits a trigger thats me in a sad mood swing) which my family did a lot of. much as my mum doesnt think she was doing harm when she ripped into me because she caught me looking at weird stuff n having online interests she didn't understand it really did make me feel really insecure and vunerable. fair to say i rlly enjoy being able to be on my phone with no one asking what im doing and making comments on what i do or judging me silently from behind.

also, there is just stuff sometimes i dont want him seeing? like, sometimes im having a private conversation with a friend who is having the conversation with me in confidence. he doesnt need to see that thats an invasion of their  privacy let alone mine. sometimes i am saying something about him (like i am now) not to slag him off but just because im having an issue and i want to speak to a someone abt it bc idk how to go abt it and i know hed probably see it as me slagging him off. sometimes im looking up something weird (i always google stuff abt sex, drugs n murder bc i like learning abt stuff like that) that out of context looks bad. 

and finally tbh i wouldnt rlly feel the need overall to hide my phone, if he hadnt gone through my old phone when i gave it him and got upset because there was pictures he saw that he didnt like! pictures were of me meeting a friend (my friend Jules who is literally like a younger sibling to me wouldnt want to shag them (also the same friend i hide my phone from my bf with when hes looking soley because of this incident i think he deems him a threat) when we first met up after being online pals for a bit and he was all "you looked so much happier with them" even though the whole meet up was totally platonic. we literally went to the sex clinic to pick up condoms for them because they had a dick appointment after? there was also pictures of me n his ex from when we were... erm... having a fun night in and were taking things off our boobs and bums (yes, i was very far gone at that point) which was just you know, not sober close women being not sober close women. but obviously seeing that upset him. i was meant to delete all that before i gave him the phone but he desperately needed a phone and i didnt have the time right then to go through 4000+ photos and save ones i wanted to keep, so i told him fine but DO NOT GO THROUGH MY PHOTOS and he did it so.i just want to ask if im being totally insane? because my boyfriend always makes me feel bad for pulling the phone away. i get it makes me look sus 100% ive been cheated on before but thing is i am not doing anything bad? im not cheating i dont have a secret family in Mexico, i dont have anything bad to hide that he needs to know yfm? am i being insane?
13
Posts: 274
Date: 10-05-2021 20:23 | Times changed: 1
Iotus
National star



Iotus wrote:
i didnt realise how much i typed lol im so sorry
13
Posts: 274
Date: 10-05-2021 20:24
Private
World famous



Claire wrote:
paragraphs my dude
21
Posts: 55674
Date: 10-05-2021 20:24
Private
World famous



Claire wrote:
why tf woudl ur bf know ur passwords yall already unhealthy 
21
Posts: 55674
Date: 10-05-2021 20:25
Private
World famous



Claire wrote:
doug has like never looked at my phone lmao he's glanced at it to see who was texting me when i asked him to lol like hes closer to it and im like who is that and hes like ur sister and thats as much as he looks at my phone
21
Posts: 55674
Date: 10-05-2021 20:26
Iotus
National star



Iotus wrote:
Claire wrote:
paragraphs my dude
i know im so sorry im the type that has to over explain everything 
13
Posts: 274
Date: 10-05-2021 20:28
Private
World famous



Claire wrote:
Iotus wrote:
Claire wrote:
paragraphs my dude
i know im so sorry im the type that has to over explain everything 
its good to put out everything on your mind over explaining is good when you need feedback but its hard to read it and i wanna be able to read more of it so my feedback can be higher quality i had to like skim it cause my brain needed paragraphs lmao
21
Posts: 55674
Date: 10-05-2021 20:29
Chat0yant
World famous



Chat0yant wrote:
honestly have you told him this? cause i feel like people think differently on this issue. I'm the same way but half my friend group isn't and we've talked about it so it makes sense more now w/ us. Like i don't even think anyone is judging per say but it just bothers me. Maybe tell him that or if there is a specific question he can ask but if he can not just stare at your stuff? cause i feel like you pulling away from him w/o explaining will just make him feel more suspicious cause i honestly get both points of view esp. with someone who has a lot of platonic friends that can get really complicated feeling wise... 
20
Posts: 4009
Date: 10-05-2021 20:29
Iotus
National star



Iotus wrote:
Claire wrote:
why tf woudl ur bf know ur passwords yall already unhealthy 
i know his too bc he hasnt changed it since he took my old phone he knows mine its just out of ease. i cant login in to my online banking on my new phone so i have to use his and his sim is playing up so he uses my phone to text and call people its just out of ease nothing toxic
13
Posts: 274
Date: 10-05-2021 20:35
Iotus
National star



Iotus wrote:
Claire wrote:
Iotus wrote:
Claire wrote:
paragraphs my dude
i know im so sorry im the type that has to over explain everything 
its good to put out everything on your mind over explaining is good when you need feedback but its hard to read it and i wanna be able to read more of it so my feedback can be higher quality i had to like skim it cause my brain needed paragraphs lmao
i did type it in my notes forst b i was typing sm and there was paragraphs but it didnt copy right lmao thought u were on abt the fact i type so much aha
13
Posts: 274
Date: 10-05-2021 20:36
Iotus
National star



Iotus wrote:
Chat0yant wrote:
honestly have you told him this? cause i feel like people think differently on this issue. I'm the same way but half my friend group isn't and we've talked about it so it makes sense more now w/ us. Like i don't even think anyone is judging per say but it just bothers me. Maybe tell him that or if there is a specific question he can ask but if he can not just stare at your stuff? cause i feel like you pulling away from him w/o explaining will just make him feel more suspicious cause i honestly get both points of view esp. with someone who has a lot of platonic friends that can get really complicated feeling wise... 
thing is i have explained all this too him but he still is annoyed/upset by it
13
Posts: 274
Date: 10-05-2021 20:38
Chat0yant
World famous



Chat0yant wrote:
Iotus wrote:
Chat0yant wrote:
honestly have you told him this? cause i feel like people think differently on this issue. I'm the same way but half my friend group isn't and we've talked about it so it makes sense more now w/ us. Like i don't even think anyone is judging per say but it just bothers me. Maybe tell him that or if there is a specific question he can ask but if he can not just stare at your stuff? cause i feel like you pulling away from him w/o explaining will just make him feel more suspicious cause i honestly get both points of view esp. with someone who has a lot of platonic friends that can get really complicated feeling wise... 
thing is i have explained all this too him but he still is annoyed/upset by it
oh...well maybe i have too high standards, but that seems kinda... not the best sign of relationship health...
20
Posts: 4009
Date: 10-05-2021 20:40
Private
National star



kagura wrote:
Chat0yant wrote:
Iotus wrote:
Chat0yant wrote:
honestly have you told him this? cause i feel like people think differently on this issue. I'm the same way but half my friend group isn't and we've talked about it so it makes sense more now w/ us. Like i don't even think anyone is judging per say but it just bothers me. Maybe tell him that or if there is a specific question he can ask but if he can not just stare at your stuff? cause i feel like you pulling away from him w/o explaining will just make him feel more suspicious cause i honestly get both points of view esp. with someone who has a lot of platonic friends that can get really complicated feeling wise... 
thing is i have explained all this too him but he still is annoyed/upset by it
oh...well maybe i have too high standards, but that seems kinda... not the best sign of relationship health...
 sorry to lotus but it's  no, not high standard. that's just literally how a good partner doesn't act like 
14
Posts: 7616
Date: 10-05-2021 20:49
Iotus
National star



Iotus wrote:
kagura wrote:
Chat0yant wrote:
Iotus wrote:
thing is i have explained all this too him but he still is annoyed/upset by it
oh...well maybe i have too high standards, but that seems kinda... not the best sign of relationship health...
 sorry to lotus but it's  no, not high standard. that's just literally how a good partner doesn't act like 
in his defence the topic came up in a conversation that was a little heated because i was being my usually panicked self in confrontation bc it tickles my fear of abandonment and same for him i dont rlly think it was the time and place for him to be understanding and that’s understandable because im slightly the same. i have to leave and come back to the conversation when ive chilled out a bit. i didnt really do that then as we rlly couldnt so i know it’s probably a conversation i will have to bring up with him again. partly why i wanted opinions on it.
13
Posts: 274
Date: 10-05-2021 21:00
Account deleted




wrote:
I hate people looking at me being on the phone\laptop, anything that's not entirely games (not counting vp). Like if you're not comfy with it, then that's your boundary atm. Put it down, tilt the screen, talk about it with him if you wanna so you guys know where each other stands.  If he doesn't respect it, that's on him, and that's not okay.

like you should put down boundaries. i would not let ppl past my lock screen unless i'm there in the room beside them, or if they asked to use it for a specific task - where i open my phone and lend it to them while being around.  He has his own phone. It isn't too hard to just use it. And also, yeah, you should be able to say that "no this time doesn't suit me because i'm talking to someone and it's confidential" and that should be respected. and i think i never will understand why ppl let other ppl into their images either tho. not without them asking and getting it approved. phones are private today, like it has so much of our life on and securiy codes and all that stuff. 


it sounds sorta bad like don't get into some control-abuse bullshit with ur bf
Date: 10-05-2021 21:11 | Times changed: 1
Iotus
National star



Iotus wrote:
Nesta wrote:
I hate people looking at me being on the phone\laptop, anything that's not entirely games (not counting vp). Like if you're not comfy with it, then that's your boundary atm. Put it down, tilt the screen, talk about it with him if you wanna so you guys know where each other stands.  If he doesn't respect it, that's on him, and that's not okay.

like you should put down boundaries. i would not let ppl past my lock screen unless i'm there in the room beside them, or if they asked to use it for a specific task - where i open my phone and lend it to them while being around.  He has his own phone. It isn't too hard to just use it. And also, yeah, you should be able to say that "no this time doesn't suit me because i'm talking to someone and it's confidential" and that should be respected. and i think i never will understand why ppl let other ppl into their images either tho. not without them asking and getting it approved. phones are private today, like it has so much of our life on and securiy codes and all that stuff. 


it sounds sorta bad like don't get into some control-abuse bullshit with ur bf
can i just say hes not controlling or abusive, just really paranoid and insecure i think. we both have similar issues he just is mentally unwell and has been through an extremely abusive relationship before so i think hes still just a little raw from that pretty sure she cheated on him too. i get that because ive been in the exact same position as well i also have my issues left from my own trauma but my boyfriend sadly was really failed by his doctors when he tried to get help for his problems so hes not been seen to or anything so hes not healed so i totally kinda get if hes not going to be his best. hes kinda acknowledged that though as when he usually has his moments he will say sorry and he is going to get help now hes changed doctor. honestly, ive witnessed and experienced a lot of abusive relationships and he’s honestly nothing like the men who are. i can kinda clock red flags easier than i use to and so far ive not had any?  he’s genuinely been the most caring and gold hearted person ive ever dated and he really does go the extra mile. ive honestly never had that before
13
Posts: 274
Date: 10-05-2021 21:47
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