what in the guilt trip - Forum

Cobain
International Star

cobain wrote:
"There's no idea anymore to get an answer with a small good night's wish. I think I get that it became too much with my whining. I'm a bit panicked and I'm scared as fuck right now but this is the last time I'll bother you with my idiot problems. Last time I embarrass myself. I feel like a whiny hick. Pretty sure it's my whining that's made you tired of me. From now on and forever I'm quiet about my life, except if you'd ask me something.
Sorry for not being a good boyfriend, I've tried, I hope you don't think otherwise. I love you a lot but I get that it's not enough. I wouldn't be able to handle myself either if I was you, I understand. It just feels like shit because I would be normal if I could.
With that said, I will never bother you again, as long as you don't want me to. I love you but I refuse to be a needy dork who suffocates you, not again.
It's up to you if you want to be with me still, but I don't think I'll get any better than this."

why does he do this

Cobain
International Star

cobain wrote:
and i answered

"I don't think this is okay, to give me major guilt and make it sound like I've done something majorly wrong because I didn't write good night to you last night.
I love you, and I do my best to be a good girlfriend, but I always get to hear about the things I'm doing wrong or things I do badly. Yes, I didn't answer your last message last night and I didn't write you goodnight. But I don't understand how you're getting it to that I've gotten tried of you, or that I don't support you. Didn't we talk on the phone until late Sunday night when you were extremely worried over school, and I tried to calm you and help you?
I have never said a word about that you have bothered me with your problems, because you don't. I may not always be able to give the best answers, maybe not at all, sadly I can't fix everything, but I'm trying as hard as I can to cheer you on and make you feel better. But it feels like actual ass to then get to hear now and then that what I'm doing isn't good enough. I'm trying as hard as I can. I love you lots"

and he answered

"That you choose to read it like I'm making you feel guilty... It couldn't have been that I meant what I wrote about feeling like the worst person in the world and felt like you didn't have the energy for me anymore? Shit!! I don't even have the energy to explain!"

bro fuck this lol am i dumb? am i reading things wrong or wasn't that message FILLED with things to guilt me? even when he talked about himself it just came across, to me, like he was idk guilting me in some fucking way?
idk i can't deal with this rn lol i'm gonna put makeup on bc i'm going to work later

Kit
National Star

Kit wrote:
i mean. he is clearly guilt tripping and manipulating you, but probably not on purpose he's just so incredibly miserable and consumed by his own misery that he cant see how its affecting u.

someone who goes "oh god im too stupid and awful and shitty and clingy for u" tends to really think that, and not just be saying it bc it makes you feel bad for them. but they also then start learning that that kind behavior gets you to stay/feel bad/reassure him/etc. and so he gets positive feedback from being so insecure and manipulating u with it. and then yea when you say "hey that's making me feel really bad" he can turn around and go "yEAH WELL I FEEL WORSE" which is.... a rly shitty way to respond

Kit
National Star

Kit wrote:
doesnt seem like an asshole on purpose per se, just a sad emotionally stunted little man who thinks his gf is supposed to fix his depression or else

Cobain
International Star

cobain wrote:

Kit wrote:
i mean. he is clearly guilt tripping and manipulating you, but probably not on purpose he's just so incredibly miserable and consumed by his own misery that he cant see how its affecting u.

someone who goes "oh god im too stupid and awful and shitty and clingy for u" tends to really think that, and not just be saying it bc it makes you feel bad for them. but they also then start learning that that kind behavior gets you to stay/feel bad/reassure him/etc. and so he gets positive feedback from being so insecure and manipulating u with it. and then yea when you say "hey that's making me feel really bad" he can turn around and go "yEAH WELL I FEEL WORSE" which is.... a rly shitty way to respond

yeah like idk what he even expects me to do here. i swear this comes up on the regular, that i don't listen to him, that i don't care etc. WHICH I DO. and i get so sad from it which he knows. usually when i start to cry when he's claiming things like this, he "surrenders" and is like "nooo i didn't mean it like that" or whatever but then it's the same fucking thing a few weeks later

he is a very negative person, there's always something bringing him down and it can ruin his entire day and in turn it ruins my day bc he's just like in a pissy mood and there's a bunch of negative energy. and i think it's like "too much", he IS whining too much, but at the same time i never say that to him or act like i'm tried of him or his problems. bc it is what it is, he's feeling bad and i'm trying to make things better just for a moment, but it rarely works. he's too caught up in his own head. rshfdd

Cobain
International Star

cobain wrote:
and he was like
"Do you really think that I tell you that you're doing things wrong and badly all the time?
It wasn't about you not answering my message. I was pretty messed up in the head last night and I felt extra sad knowing we wouldn't see each other in a week. I thought I just made you more unwilling to see me after I wrote that and when I didn't get an answer it was like I'd only made the situation worse by telling you. I felt like the lamest and most annoying person in the world. I wasn't in a great headspace and everything felt pitch black, I wouldn't have been that dramatic if I had slept on it.
But then you more or less confirmed that that's how you feel, that I'm annoying. But not really for the same reason I thought.
That you feel like I always tell you that you're doing the wrong thing makes me very sad and angry at the same time. It basically means that I'd knowingly put you down and want you to feel bad, and I really hope that's not what you mean. I don't think that you think like that. If you only knew how much I think of how to act to make you happy and make you feel good and cheer you on. I don't understand anything right now"

and i was like
"It comes up on the regular, yes. I've told you before and it can make me so fucking sad. That I can't meet the expectations of being a girlfriend. No matter what it's about, that I don't listen, I don't care, I don't fuck, that I think you're annoying. I'm trying as hard as I can.
I don't think you're knowlingly trying to put me down, no. But what I do wrong comes up now and then, and this felt like another case of that.
I feel like fucking shit as well, you know that. Feeling like shit isn't an excuse to being a bad girlfriend, but I don't think I'm a bad girlfriend. I'm trying to be so good to you as I possibly can, but then I get to hear regularly that it's not enough anyways"

are we toxic towards each other honestly i can't tell

Private
International Star

meilin wrote:

cobain wrote:
and he was like
"Do you really think that I tell you that you're doing things wrong and badly all the time?
It wasn't about you not answering my message. I was pretty messed up in the head last night and I felt extra sad knowing we wouldn't see each other in a week. I thought I just made you more unwilling to see me after I wrote that and when I didn't get an answer it was like I'd only made the situation worse by telling you. I felt like the lamest and most annoying person in the world. I wasn't in a great headspace and everything felt pitch black, I wouldn't have been that dramatic if I had slept on it.
But then you more or less confirmed that that's how you feel, that I'm annoying. But not really for the same reason I thought.
That you feel like I always tell you that you're doing the wrong thing makes me very sad and angry at the same time. It basically means that I'd knowingly put you down and want you to feel bad, and I really hope that's not what you mean. I don't think that you think like that. If you only knew how much I think of how to act to make you happy and make you feel good and cheer you on. I don't understand anything right now"

and i was like
"It comes up on the regular, yes. I've told you before and it can make me so fucking sad. That I can't meet the expectations of being a girlfriend. No matter what it's about, that I don't listen, I don't care, I don't fuck, that I think you're annoying. I'm trying as hard as I can.
I don't think you're knowlingly trying to put me down, no. But what I do wrong comes up now and then, and this felt like another case of that.
I feel like fucking shit as well, you know that. Feeling like shit isn't an excuse to being a bad girlfriend, but I don't think I'm a bad girlfriend. I'm trying to be so good to you as I possibly can, but then I get to hear regularly that it's not enough anyways"

are we toxic towards each other honestly i can't tell

He's toxic, you sound reasonable