wrote:
I do have some questions though based on the summary and the beginning of chapter one:
Especially the first chapter and the first SENTENCE need to grab the reader, so you want to be quite aware of what you're putting into them.
As far as I'm understanding the summary, this is her last (assuming 3rd) year at the Witching Institute. She opens with practicing magic, which is a good start, but you instantly lost me at the trousers, because while it can tell us something about the character - and unless it is a large character trait, like she loves fashion AND it is relevant for the story - I don't care much for watching the character dress up before she leaves for school. Also, it's very well used. It is her third year which makes me wonder: is there anything special about this year? what is she looking forward to? is she dressing up for something? if the answer is no to all of them, it's not adding much to the story and you want it to be intriguing at the beginning. if one or more have yes, I want to learn WHY and see how it is affecting her that morning.
As I know this is a witch story, that's probably going to be a big thing that draws the readers in. And trousers are very... not magical. I want to see her work on that conjuring spell, I want to hear her talk with her cat or the cat being her companion and just instantly get grabbed by the witchy atmosphere. Or you can take the opportunity to expand the moments and SHOW us how she's using magic in her everyday life from the start. You do some further down, but I want it to start earlier. And it needs more show and not tell. ^saying this as a reader
Instead of saying ", all crumpled." Make her pick it up and look it over and put a spell over it that fixes it up, as she mumbles the line she got, and her cat, which would need some description, starts interacting with the scene.
^that's my feedback as a reader. but mark that i'm picky and that this doesn't mean that your writing is bad. it's more to make you aware of how different focuses make the story, and that you have to be thinking further than what's sorta an easy way to go with this. mundane things like eating, dressing up in the morning - if it doesn't add more to the story or comes with a larger context where these actions have other aspects with them (e.g. danger, sexual undertones, etc.) it's not often engaging the reader the way you want to.
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grammar:
"half the distance to HER closet." It would be MY since you write in first person, and if it refers to her moms' closet (Which seems to be an option, I would say her mom's closet because it is not being clear rn.)
- there are more comma mistakes (missing commas) but it takes forever to clarify where so just know they are there
- starting sentences with But
- generally, was is a good indicator on a passive sentence, so if you're describing something and you're using was, then give it a second try to restructure it without using was. it is more engaging for the reader. however, sometimes was is the right thing to use, so you gotta consider it for each place. e.g. pieces of backstory does good in was, but you don't want to use it too much at a time.
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character:
- I'm grabbing some real bitchy attitude towards the housekeeper.
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place:
- the school: when you start describing the school, "it was the same as always" (tell) is not really gonna do it. remove it. for readers we want to be there with the magic and not just hear it is "ah just another day." show us what's magical about it, and if she is no fan of it, then let that show through her actions too.
- so you're adding details as the chapter continues, and that's good and makes it more magical.
Take the cat that's scratching her as she hugs her best friend:
You write: "I think about two cats scratched me while I held her tightly."
But mark that the sentence is passive, and that "I think," is rarely necessary for the first person because you're already writing for a perspective where the character is actively thinking, right. try to see it through their eyes. then tabs like "I think," could be changed with her actively thinking or acting something. So you could: describe how it feels when the cat(s) scratches her, make her look at the scratches after the hug. She doesn't care for it much, so you would probably want to make her notice it, and then disregard it quickly. So maybe 1-2 sentences, and then move on. It happened, but it doesn't impact her much. It's ordinary.
For example, redoing the paragraph it is in:
I reached Kayla and smiled broadly, holding my arms out to hug her. "Guess what?" Kayla said into my ear as I held her, and felt small stings of pain run down my arms.
"What is it?" I said.
"They want me to take Control and Manipulation of Magical Creatures again." (e.g. describe Kaylas reaction to that fact in body language, and voice)
"That's a first-year class."
"Yes, (.....)"
okay now i'm done
i don't have more time and in the end it's your story and most of the time, just giving it some space and rewriting a bit here and there is gonna make wonders! anyways, I think this can be a really exciting story. This are a lot of nitpicking for most of the part. What you need at the bottom is a story that's working and that you're already on the road towards.
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