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scoff wrote:
and my head hurts from it
like, how the fuck do you decide who you are? and even if you don't - because i don't believe you have to, nor do you have to know what you want to do in or with life - how do you just accept yourself? how can you be fine with just being?
how do i spend money on myself instead of piling them up in case i need them later? i have more than three months worth of money on my bank account, and i can't fucking buy anything i want, because this thing in the back of my head keeps telling me hey nath you might need them later nath, you'll need them soon, save em up, save some more, you're gonna need them to put food on the table one day and if you don't have them then, you're gonna die
so i have, like, no clothes and i live in a shitty fucking apartment that hasn't been even slightly fixed since around 1980, with black mold creeping up the bathroom walls and ceiling, i have no car, everything i own is old and worn out and run down and the only four things i actually spend on are cat food (and litter), food, cigarettes and beer
and now i don't know, but last week i got it into my head that maybe i wouldn't get enough shifts at work in order to make ends meet anymore since people are coming back from parental leave and from being sick, so i applied for a couple new jobs
then i learned a co-worker of mine is having a baby in a few months and i'm supposed to fill in for her then for a year or so, full-time, and so i promised my boss i wouldn't go and get another job or w/e, and i like it here, i like my job, and i want to stay, you know? but now i'm having two fucking interviews this week - one on monday, one on wednesday - and i don't even want those jobs now? what the fuck do i do? because at the same time, i don't wanna ruin anything for the future
and my head hurts from it
like, how the fuck do you decide who you are? and even if you don't - because i don't believe you have to, nor do you have to know what you want to do in or with life - how do you just accept yourself? how can you be fine with just being?
how do i spend money on myself instead of piling them up in case i need them later? i have more than three months worth of money on my bank account, and i can't fucking buy anything i want, because this thing in the back of my head keeps telling me hey nath you might need them later nath, you'll need them soon, save em up, save some more, you're gonna need them to put food on the table one day and if you don't have them then, you're gonna die
so i have, like, no clothes and i live in a shitty fucking apartment that hasn't been even slightly fixed since around 1980, with black mold creeping up the bathroom walls and ceiling, i have no car, everything i own is old and worn out and run down and the only four things i actually spend on are cat food (and litter), food, cigarettes and beer
and now i don't know, but last week i got it into my head that maybe i wouldn't get enough shifts at work in order to make ends meet anymore since people are coming back from parental leave and from being sick, so i applied for a couple new jobs
then i learned a co-worker of mine is having a baby in a few months and i'm supposed to fill in for her then for a year or so, full-time, and so i promised my boss i wouldn't go and get another job or w/e, and i like it here, i like my job, and i want to stay, you know? but now i'm having two fucking interviews this week - one on monday, one on wednesday - and i don't even want those jobs now? what the fuck do i do? because at the same time, i don't wanna ruin anything for the future
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