i feel so sad for my mom - Forum

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bee wrote:
its almost 4 am and my brother just called her to come get him cus hes drunk and my dad went to bed drunk after not drinking for almost a month nothing last forever i guess
anyways i just heard them get home and i can hear my mom crying and slamming the doors and i get it cus shes supposed to get up in three hours and go to work and earn some very much needed money cus shes the only one out of four adult in this family who has a job. she is also the only one cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, whatever the fuck else cus no one is doing anything but her, my bother, my dad and me are lazy pieces of shits and i feel so bad i really wish i could do more. and now my brother called for the 700th time in the middle of the night even though my mom told him not to do that anymore, i have no idea why i thinks he can keep doing it. i dont understand how he doesnt feel bad. i dont understand how siblings can be so different from each other actually. my mom doesnt deserve this, i literally feel physically ill thinking about it, i just wish i could do something. idk what she is doing rn i cant hear her downstairs anymore it kinda worries me. o feel so bad and guilty i just wish i could disappear from it all. and tomorrow she will rant to me about how stupid my brother is and theres nothing i can do about it other than pretending to be a good daughter which im not, im no less of a failure than my brother and my dad

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bee wrote:
im gonna have to stop being like this on vp lol i promise no more depressing threads for the rest of the year

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International star

liv wrote:
i understand
i also feel bad about not doing anything for my family
i wish i could just disappear as well sad

i relate to a lot of what you said
don’t be so hard on yourself, there’s better days
try to be there for your mom and listen to her if she needs to complain or rant
sometimes all they need is someone to confide in

Private
Minister of Pop

Heartbroken wrote:
maybe, go give her a much needed hug

Meister
National star

Meister wrote:
Make the dinner for the whole family, vacuum and so on.
Time to be an adult.

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World famous

Selcouth wrote:

Meister wrote:
Make the dinner for the whole family, vacuum and so on.
Time to be an adult.

Private
National star

GvcciGoddess wrote:
First of all, SO much respect for ur mom. Srsly thats a strong amazing woman right there. I hope u remind her of that every now and then bc wow. Thats a real woman right there.

anyway, shes lucky to have a kid like u that sees her, appreciates her and has her back in all of this. Major respect to u as well for that. As for the “how 2 siblings can turn out so different” part, sounds like ur brother sadly inherited ur dads alcoholism. That shit is one vicious circle that often gets passed down thru generations. Idk how old ur brother is but if he is over 18 he needs to get his shit together and realize he needs to stop making his mom clean up his mess for him. My ex-stepmom had the same issue with one of her sons who struggled with all kinds of substance abuse and addiction. For a period she had to basically leave him to fend for himself until he hit rock bottom and agreed to get clean and sober. It broke her heart but she had to do it bc it was the only way to get him to change. I know it takes a lot to get to that point but its something to keep in mind if shit gets real bad with him.

as for what u can do to relieve some of her pressure, help her with some of the house chores like cleaning and doing dishes (i suspect u already do but might as well say it just in case). Not suggesting u should take all that workload for urself just split it up a little and do as much as u can handle and have time for. Be there and listen to her when shes venting to u, i know its emotionally draining (ive been there. As a child i used to hold my mom and comfort her bc shed cry and break down over money struggles) but she needs it. Hopefully u have someone u can then vent to as well so that u dont bottle everything up urself. Just always let her know u got her back and u see her hard work and effort and love her and admire her for it. Ur mom and u seem to be the ones carrying the burden together and u both need that emotional support and u can get that from each other

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Sylvan wrote:
How old is your brother? Maybe she can tell him to get his own apartment if he doesn't do chores and continues to get drunk

Account deleted

wrote:
I am sorry things still are like this. I hope you find some solution to this so your brother and father can take more responsibility for themselves in this household. Being one person both working and cleaning after 4 people must be exhausting. I know from my own mom, that carrying such a load and stress over time is not going to last forever. Something needs to change at a point. Have you talked with your mom about it if she's happy and keeping the family dynamic like this for the right reasons, or if she's considering setting rules and sharing the chores that get consequences if they aren't kept? It doesn't seems like what is being done is working. Maybe help her reach out for help?

I remember how you mentioned you don't like her trashtalking your other family members to you, and the issues w alcoholism in the family. Also, with you likely not being able to do what you want, this is a difficult situation for all of you. I wish you the best tho.

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bee wrote:
i really didnt expect anyone to respond to this thread lol thank you all so much for doing that, i think i needed to be heard in some way

i give my mom all the hugs i can even though its not a lot cus i dont like hugging i guess bc of some childhood trauma but sometimes i say fuck it and give her the best hug i can bc i know how much it means to her

i would love to do more in the household, i love cooking and it would be fun to cook for everyone, and i would love to take some of the chores off my moms back. i would love to be an adult but im chronic fatigue and unable to do a lot. i dont have a life at all bc of this and its the only thing keeping me from moving out at this point. sometimes i unload the dishwasher or cut some vegetables for the dinner but thats all i really can do and it sucks

my brother has definitely gotten my dads alcoholism and the older he gets the more clearer it is that he is following his footsteps. i can see it wearing on my mom, that my brother is just the same as my dad. especially knowing the hell he has put her through, coming home absolutely drunk while she had to do everything in the house and taking care of two kids. i know she almost left him when me and my brother were very young but she stayed for the sake of us. i really wish she hadnt, idc about the amazing childhood of growing up on the countryside, knowing my mom was unhappy all that time ruins it all

sometimes she tries to give them chores to do and maybe it lasts for a week or two but they literally need to be told what to do 10 times before it happens so my mom kinda gives up on it

my brother is 26 and my mom has threatened to kick him out a couple of times but if she does that he will be homeless cus he has no concept of money and never has any. no savings either or anything. it was his birthday not long ago and our grandparents gave him 750dkk, before the night was over he had spend them all. also since he has no money and smokes and is very social he constantly text my mom to send him money, for smokes, food, maybe he owes someone money, whatever. and the crazy part is my mom always sends him money. i dont understand why, we are far from rich but she is too soft. i guess thats her problem, she cares too much about others well being and always put herself last. i wish i could tell her theres a much better way to live life

anyways thank you all so much for the kind words i really really appreciate it. all this makes me feel so lonely so thank you for letting me share it

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Rouya wrote:
your brother is sorta reaching that point in life where your mom needs to put herself before him and not care if kicking him out leaves him homeless. seems ruthless but if he is such a leech on her, she should just kick both of them out and maybe they'll get a grip. as long as neither your dad nor brother face any consequences for their actions, they will never learn. and a sad truth might be that it could potentially be too late for you brother to learn, considering he is 26 after all

im sorry for you and your mom, she sounds a lot like my mom, too kind and giving, too lacking of a backbone and self respect. sometimes you have to be cold and hard to not be stepped on. i hope your brother learns eventually, but he should not be your mothers problem for the rest of her life. at least he could be the states problem then

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bee wrote:

Rouya wrote:
your brother is sorta reaching that point in life where your mom needs to put herself before him and not care if kicking him out leaves him homeless. seems ruthless but if he is such a leech on her, she should just kick both of them out and maybe they'll get a grip. as long as neither your dad nor brother face any consequences for their actions, they will never learn. and a sad truth might be that it could potentially be too late for you brother to learn, considering he is 26 after all

im sorry for you and your mom, she sounds a lot like my mom, too kind and giving, too lacking of a backbone and self respect. sometimes you have to be cold and hard to not be stepped on. i hope your brother learns eventually, but he should not be your mothers problem for the rest of her life. at least he could be the states problem then

i agree with what youre saying i wish i could tell my mom that

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GvcciGoddess wrote:

bee wrote:
i really didnt expect anyone to respond to this thread lol thank you all so much for doing that, i think i needed to be heard in some way

i give my mom all the hugs i can even though its not a lot cus i dont like hugging i guess bc of some childhood trauma but sometimes i say fuck it and give her the best hug i can bc i know how much it means to her

i would love to do more in the household, i love cooking and it would be fun to cook for everyone, and i would love to take some of the chores off my moms back. i would love to be an adult but im chronic fatigue and unable to do a lot. i dont have a life at all bc of this and its the only thing keeping me from moving out at this point. sometimes i unload the dishwasher or cut some vegetables for the dinner but thats all i really can do and it sucks

my brother has definitely gotten my dads alcoholism and the older he gets the more clearer it is that he is following his footsteps. i can see it wearing on my mom, that my brother is just the same as my dad. especially knowing the hell he has put her through, coming home absolutely drunk while she had to do everything in the house and taking care of two kids. i know she almost left him when me and my brother were very young but she stayed for the sake of us. i really wish she hadnt, idc about the amazing childhood of growing up on the countryside, knowing my mom was unhappy all that time ruins it all

sometimes she tries to give them chores to do and maybe it lasts for a week or two but they literally need to be told what to do 10 times before it happens so my mom kinda gives up on it

my brother is 26 and my mom has threatened to kick him out a couple of times but if she does that he will be homeless cus he has no concept of money and never has any. no savings either or anything. it was his birthday not long ago and our grandparents gave him 750dkk, before the night was over he had spend them all. also since he has no money and smokes and is very social he constantly text my mom to send him money, for smokes, food, maybe he owes someone money, whatever. and the crazy part is my mom always sends him money. i dont understand why, we are far from rich but she is too soft. i guess thats her problem, she cares too much about others well being and always put herself last. i wish i could tell her theres a much better way to live life

anyways thank you all so much for the kind words i really really appreciate it. all this makes me feel so lonely so thank you for letting me share it

Im so sorry about ur chronic fatigue, that sucks. Proud of u for still doing what u can to help out. Just dont push urself too much bc u feel guilty for not “doing enough”, u need to preserve all the energy u have so that u can at least function from day to day. U need to live ur own life and do ur own stuff too even when ur family struggles. Never take on more than ur body or brain can handle bc that will just make things worse for both u and ur mom.

ur in a very complicated situation and theres no easy solution. Like yes i believe the best thing to do for ur mom and ur brother would be to have ur mom just stop giving him money and stop enabling him, but that is EXTREMELY difficult for a mother to do, like even on a purely primal level bc we are just not wired to go against our maternal instincts and thats kinda what u need to do to leave ur child to deal on their own. I dont think ur mom will even have it in her to do that until she truly reaches her last breaking point. In sweden we call it “medberoende” and its super common in ppl close to someone with addiction. It pretty much means that u sort of take on ur loved ones addiction too by enabling them and supporting their addiction by supporting them in general. Its a bit similar to battered wife syndrome in a lot of ways and it usually requires professional psychological help to get past (like family therapy, interventions etc)

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Miguel wrote:
take your mom's phone somewhere else so ur brother calling wont be bothering here tbh
try to help your mom w the chores.. she will be really grateful. ur father n ur brother seem really useless people tbh n i feel for your mom for having to put up w them too
take care and let your mom know u love her n u r there for her too, and good luck

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Miguel wrote:

Rouya wrote:
your brother is sorta reaching that point in life where your mom needs to put herself before him and not care if kicking him out leaves him homeless. seems ruthless but if he is such a leech on her, she should just kick both of them out and maybe they'll get a grip. as long as neither your dad nor brother face any consequences for their actions, they will never learn. and a sad truth might be that it could potentially be too late for you brother to learn, considering he is 26 after all

im sorry for you and your mom, she sounds a lot like my mom, too kind and giving, too lacking of a backbone and self respect. sometimes you have to be cold and hard to not be stepped on. i hope your brother learns eventually, but he should not be your mothers problem for the rest of her life. at least he could be the states problem then

also this, great advise ngl

Pitbull
Popstar

Pitbull wrote:
ur mom should just not pick him up
if he's old enough to drink, he old enough to find home by himself