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do not mind the correct punctuation i was ooc 🥰😂😂😂😂😂🤣🤣💀💀💀💯
Despite my behaviour showing otherwise, I prefer things to be peaceful, which means I don't like to have bad blood with people. When I was younger I usually managed to make amends with people whenever we had issues, I somewhat prided myself in this ability (mostly subconsciously though). Would it be disgusting and selfish of me to ask to be civil with people I currently don't talk with due to falling out with them (resulting in bitterness between all parties)? Like imagine saying "I know you dislike me, I know I fucked up, but I want to be civil", to me it sounds gross and weird and I wouldn't necessarily find it gross and weird from anyone else, I would take it at face value, but I feel like it could be easily interpreted as manipulative if it comes from me.
To be fair, I feel like unfortunately I've done and said (and it seems like I continue to do it) plenty of manipulative things, albeit unaware of how it seemed at the time, but I was no doubt driven by the subconscious knowledge that I was doing something to yield my desired results. From being sweet, to being aggressive, I've done a lot of weird shit that I at first assumed I was being genuine with but no, I had been playing around most of the time and it's no wonder why I tend to regret my actions after I gain some lucidity and look at it from a logical lense. I do things for personal gain and I have had the audacity to berate those who at least owned up to it.
On the other hand, it might just be a natural human thing to do due to however we're wired and all that bullshit and I've just acquired a newfound awareness of it. But nonetheless, I feel like I can't ever word myself in a non-manipulative way, and trying to not do it even screams manipulative itself!! I can't apologize or try to be civil anymore without feeling like I'm crossing boundaries and being disrespectful or something. I'm also still learning to let go, to respect however much time they need without trying to speed up the process of making amends, and even just accepting that they likely won't ever forgive me or make amends with me.
You could argue that "you know your intentions, you don't mean to be manipulative", at this point I don't know!! I feel like I'm faking all of this now, I don't know if I'm truly sorry or if I want to be at peace with people, I don't know if I want to never apologize out of spite and tell them I despise them, I don't know where I stand. Likely not the latter though, even when things start getting heated and I say those things without truly meaning it.
But anyways, as I write this I recognized that I'm writing this thread in hopes of seeming genuine and introspective enough to be complimented. And as disgusting as it is, I also hope that those who I have bad blood with read this and see me in a better light and even decide on being civil with me. I wish I didn't think these things, but alas, animal survival brain blablabla using tactics to survive within the tribe or whatever (my favourite copium mhm).
Fully being honest here because despite my weird nature I don't intend to play with anyone like that, but I think I've become so emotionally confused that I can't tell if my regret is genuine (I want to believe it is?) or if I'm "feeling" it because it's the right thing to feel.
I've got a lot of bad learned behaviour to break out of and I view recognizing this as one more step towards that. But I also intend to see things from an outsider's perspective, hence why I turned this into a thread yes.
(i am ok btw pls)
do not mind the correct punctuation i was ooc 🥰😂😂😂😂😂🤣🤣💀💀💀💯
Despite my behaviour showing otherwise, I prefer things to be peaceful, which means I don't like to have bad blood with people. When I was younger I usually managed to make amends with people whenever we had issues, I somewhat prided myself in this ability (mostly subconsciously though). Would it be disgusting and selfish of me to ask to be civil with people I currently don't talk with due to falling out with them (resulting in bitterness between all parties)? Like imagine saying "I know you dislike me, I know I fucked up, but I want to be civil", to me it sounds gross and weird and I wouldn't necessarily find it gross and weird from anyone else, I would take it at face value, but I feel like it could be easily interpreted as manipulative if it comes from me.
To be fair, I feel like unfortunately I've done and said (and it seems like I continue to do it) plenty of manipulative things, albeit unaware of how it seemed at the time, but I was no doubt driven by the subconscious knowledge that I was doing something to yield my desired results. From being sweet, to being aggressive, I've done a lot of weird shit that I at first assumed I was being genuine with but no, I had been playing around most of the time and it's no wonder why I tend to regret my actions after I gain some lucidity and look at it from a logical lense. I do things for personal gain and I have had the audacity to berate those who at least owned up to it.
On the other hand, it might just be a natural human thing to do due to however we're wired and all that bullshit and I've just acquired a newfound awareness of it. But nonetheless, I feel like I can't ever word myself in a non-manipulative way, and trying to not do it even screams manipulative itself!! I can't apologize or try to be civil anymore without feeling like I'm crossing boundaries and being disrespectful or something. I'm also still learning to let go, to respect however much time they need without trying to speed up the process of making amends, and even just accepting that they likely won't ever forgive me or make amends with me.
You could argue that "you know your intentions, you don't mean to be manipulative", at this point I don't know!! I feel like I'm faking all of this now, I don't know if I'm truly sorry or if I want to be at peace with people, I don't know if I want to never apologize out of spite and tell them I despise them, I don't know where I stand. Likely not the latter though, even when things start getting heated and I say those things without truly meaning it.
But anyways, as I write this I recognized that I'm writing this thread in hopes of seeming genuine and introspective enough to be complimented. And as disgusting as it is, I also hope that those who I have bad blood with read this and see me in a better light and even decide on being civil with me. I wish I didn't think these things, but alas, animal survival brain blablabla using tactics to survive within the tribe or whatever (my favourite copium mhm).
Fully being honest here because despite my weird nature I don't intend to play with anyone like that, but I think I've become so emotionally confused that I can't tell if my regret is genuine (I want to believe it is?) or if I'm "feeling" it because it's the right thing to feel.
I've got a lot of bad learned behaviour to break out of and I view recognizing this as one more step towards that. But I also intend to see things from an outsider's perspective, hence why I turned this into a thread yes.
(i am ok btw pls)
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