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lean wrote:
about my life that idk how to say irl/to people i know/throw it in the abyss so at least it's out there
i need a therapist
ANYWAY
nov 25 2022
dear diary
my ex and i were together for over 3 years, by the last year i was like.... feeling extremely mentally drained and knew our relationship was on the rocks. but we lived together and there was so much codependency going on. i felt suffocated, she would be upset any time i was out with friends/basically any time i was out that i wasn't just at work. my social life was dying but it didnt even matter because i didn't have the energy to even see anyone.
i broke up with her almost two months ago. i had gotten medicated and was thinking about it all the time and one day i went for a walk by myself and sat by the water and just thought, for hours. realized i need to be by myself 1) because that relationship was affecting both our mental states, and 2) i'm 24 years old, i was 20 when we started seeing each other, and i can't be locked in a long term relationship through my early 20s i just can't, especially with someone 7 years older than me.
so i went home and we sat in bed and we spoke and i cried and i broke up with her but not really because i didn't know how to say it because the thought was terrifying so it was more of an "i think we should break up or maybe scale our relationship back, live seperately, and control how much time we spend together" rather than "i'm breaking up with you."
but then i did something and now we live seperately and are officially broken up but some of my stuff is still at what's now her place and today's the day i pack one more car full and then it's really real.
i'm a very codependent person, i've been in relationships steadily since i was 17, when i started seeing her i was weening off my relationship with my abusive ex of 3 years. and since we split i've been occupying myself with friends but i'm finally getting sick of being around people so now, 2 months later, i'm alone to sit with my thoughts and it doesn't feel good.
hence why i needed to get them out into the world.
about my life that idk how to say irl/to people i know/throw it in the abyss so at least it's out there
i need a therapist
ANYWAY
nov 25 2022
dear diary
my ex and i were together for over 3 years, by the last year i was like.... feeling extremely mentally drained and knew our relationship was on the rocks. but we lived together and there was so much codependency going on. i felt suffocated, she would be upset any time i was out with friends/basically any time i was out that i wasn't just at work. my social life was dying but it didnt even matter because i didn't have the energy to even see anyone.
i broke up with her almost two months ago. i had gotten medicated and was thinking about it all the time and one day i went for a walk by myself and sat by the water and just thought, for hours. realized i need to be by myself 1) because that relationship was affecting both our mental states, and 2) i'm 24 years old, i was 20 when we started seeing each other, and i can't be locked in a long term relationship through my early 20s i just can't, especially with someone 7 years older than me.
so i went home and we sat in bed and we spoke and i cried and i broke up with her but not really because i didn't know how to say it because the thought was terrifying so it was more of an "i think we should break up or maybe scale our relationship back, live seperately, and control how much time we spend together" rather than "i'm breaking up with you."
but then i did something and now we live seperately and are officially broken up but some of my stuff is still at what's now her place and today's the day i pack one more car full and then it's really real.
i'm a very codependent person, i've been in relationships steadily since i was 17, when i started seeing her i was weening off my relationship with my abusive ex of 3 years. and since we split i've been occupying myself with friends but i'm finally getting sick of being around people so now, 2 months later, i'm alone to sit with my thoughts and it doesn't feel good.
hence why i needed to get them out into the world.
17