AITA? - Forum - Virtual Popstar

Elisia
International star

Elisia wrote:
for those unfamiliar with the acronym, it's a reddit thing

Am i the A-hole for not getting the tree down when i said i would?

Two weeks ago (before thanksgiving) i told my grandad (whom i live with) that i would climb into the attic to get the tree down for us to decorate together if he cleared a spot for it. He's been saying for 2 weeks he has the spot (RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE FIREPLACE) where he wants to put it he just has to pick all of his books and notebooks up. BUT he has yet to do it. therefore i haven't gotten the tree out of the attic. and now he's telling family that i won't let him put a christmas tree up this year. so AITA? should i just let him tontinue to clutter the house?

It is important to note that he is a hoarder and there is boxes of stuff EVERYWHERE
3 rooms in this house are completely unusable because of the amount of clutter in them, which doesn't seem to bother him

Private
National star

QueenJellyfish wrote:
I don't think so! It sounds like there was an agreement that you would do it once there was a spot; If the spot hasn't been cleared yet then...........it seems like that's his fault to be honest

Chat0yant
World famous

Chat0yant wrote:
No i don't think you've done anything wrong

I am also living with my grandpa rn and I know how, when they are set in their ways, your ways just don't correlate. Then you have to do what you think is best even if it isn't their first choice and it could be hard and feelings may get hurt. But that doesn't mean you are wrong. I don't think it is right for you to put up the tree somewhere where it is likely to catch on fire.

I've had to deal with things my gpa doesn't want to get rid of that makes me face palm and idek. Maybe you could talk to someone in the family that knows you both that could maybe facilitate working together or discussing? My aunt has been that for us and it is very helpful.

I would honestly start moving things around when my gpa isn't looking and hope he doesn't notice (which i have already done...) but idk if that's right either....

i know it's easy to get offended or worry about others opinions in situations like that. But you are doing the best you can and that's good. I hope things get better/conversations are healthily had. But also i'm not a therapist. If you have a therapist already, maybe discuss ideas w/ her?

Aske
Prince of Pop

Aske wrote:
no youre not, sounds like what he's been telling your family is straight up dishonest. i dont think you should be raising the man no matter how much of a chaos machine he is, but if he made you a promise you are right to put your foot down when he doesnt keep it.

Elisia
International star

Elisia wrote:

QueenJellyfish wrote:
I don't think so! It sounds like there was an agreement that you would do it once there was a spot; If the spot hasn't been cleared yet then...........it seems like that's his fault to be honest

Thats how i feel but his daughter is getting all sorts of upset at me, because it's his house and I should just let him do what he wants apparently???
I am at such a loss because I feel like I was very clear

Elisia
International star

Elisia wrote:

Chat0yant wrote:
No i don't think you've done anything wrong

I am also living with my grandpa rn and I know how, when they are set in their ways, your ways just don't correlate. Then you have to do what you think is best even if it isn't their first choice and it could be hard and feelings may get hurt. But that doesn't mean you are wrong. I don't think it is right for you to put up the tree somewhere where it is likely to catch on fire.

I've had to deal with things my gpa doesn't want to get rid of that makes me face palm and idek. Maybe you could talk to someone in the family that knows you both that could maybe facilitate working together or discussing? My aunt has been that for us and it is very helpful.

I would honestly start moving things around when my gpa isn't looking and hope he doesn't notice (which i have already done...) but idk if that's right either....

i know it's easy to get offended or worry about others opinions in situations like that. But you are doing the best you can and that's good. I hope things get better/conversations are healthily had. But also i'm not a therapist. If you have a therapist already, maybe discuss ideas w/ her?

See my dad isn't speaking to grandad because of how grandad treats us both. And my aunt is 100% on his side that I'm in the wrong because its his house and his tree.

And I have been slowly getting rid of stuff. I started in the back of the house but he just keeps buying STUFF and filling in the clean spots I'm making. It's a vicious cycle...

I'm not offended by it, appalled is more correct i think. I'm just flabbergasted that I am apparently the villain for telling him no 🤷

Elisia
International star

Elisia wrote:

Aske wrote:
no youre not, sounds like what he's been telling your family is straight up dishonest. i dont think you should be raising the man no matter how much of a chaos machine he is, but if he made you a promise you are right to put your foot down when he doesnt keep it.

The whole family is blaming his behavior on his mental illness, and because of his mental illness they seem to think i should give in to whatever he says since it's his house anyway.

I feel very solid in the fact that I gave my condition and my condition was not met

TogetherForever
International star

TogetherForever wrote:
Definitely no. An option would be to help him move his stuff. That way, you and your family could move on from the situation. Obviously, don't do it by yourself; have him help you. And maybe your helping him could spark something so that he'll declutter more.

Private
World famous

toraix wrote:
If he really wants the tree up, he will do it himself. I have a hoarder dad who wanted a FULL NEW SHELF for his dumb stuff, so he built it himself when we didnt go help him. So uhh... Go will power? I guess?
For reference my dad is 63

edit: hoarder-ing is also always a symptom of something that needs to get taken care of, so when they have those clear moments or get help, they will be grateful that you didn't exacerbate his situation/condition

Private
World famous

toraix wrote:
So no you're not an asshole. You probably want what is best for him and you cant be forced to do things that don't align with that, even if they get angry.

Elisia
International star

Elisia wrote:

TogetherForever wrote:
Definitely no. An option would be to help him move his stuff. That way, you and your family could move on from the situation. Obviously, don't do it by yourself; have him help you. And maybe your helping him could spark something so that he'll declutter more.

i tried helping, and what should've taken 10 minutes took 3 hours because every item has a story
my favorite exaple is the Bejeweled CD, he can't play it and doesn't like it, but it was his wife's favorite so he won't throw it away Shrug

Elisia
International star

Elisia wrote:

toraix wrote:
If he really wants the tree up, he will do it himself. I have a hoarder dad who wanted a FULL NEW SHELF for his dumb stuff, so he built it himself when we didnt go help him. So uhh... Go will power? I guess?
For reference my dad is 63

thats where i'm at. he's 73 i think. i am MORE THAN WILLING to help, but i cannot condone the addition of more... stuff

old man stubbornness cannot be stopped

Private
World famous

toraix wrote:

Elisia wrote:

TogetherForever wrote:
Definitely no. An option would be to help him move his stuff. That way, you and your family could move on from the situation. Obviously, don't do it by yourself; have him help you. And maybe your helping him could spark something so that he'll declutter more.

i tried helping, and what should've taken 10 minutes took 3 hours because every item has a story
my favorite exaple is the Bejeweled CD, he can't play it and doesn't like it, but it was his wife's favorite so he won't throw it away Shrug

I RELATE TO THIS SO MUCH

honestly best way is to get like actual strangers to help declutter who are paid for their time (speaking from experience)
i dont think anyone should be forced to sit in a dusty musty home full of stuff even if its a loved one

TogetherForever
International star

TogetherForever wrote:

Elisia wrote:

TogetherForever wrote:
Definitely no. An option would be to help him move his stuff. That way, you and your family could move on from the situation. Obviously, don't do it by yourself; have him help you. And maybe your helping him could spark something so that he'll declutter more.

i tried helping, and what should've taken 10 minutes took 3 hours because every item has a story
my favorite exaple is the Bejeweled CD, he can't play it and doesn't like it, but it was his wife's favorite so he won't throw it away Shrug

Oh, yeah that's hard. At least you tried to help.
( this might sound terrible but maybe you should help him pack some things into a box and then throw the boxes away so he doesn't notice ?)

TogetherForever
International star

TogetherForever wrote:

toraix wrote:

Elisia wrote:

TogetherForever wrote:
Definitely no. An option would be to help him move his stuff. That way, you and your family could move on from the situation. Obviously, don't do it by yourself; have him help you. And maybe your helping him could spark something so that he'll declutter more.

i tried helping, and what should've taken 10 minutes took 3 hours because every item has a story
my favorite exaple is the Bejeweled CD, he can't play it and doesn't like it, but it was his wife's favorite so he won't throw it away Shrug

I RELATE TO THIS SO MUCH

honestly best way is to get like actual strangers to help declutter who are paid for their time (speaking from experience)
i dont think anyone should be forced to sit in a dusty musty home full of stuff even if its a loved one

call in the professionals

Elisia
International star

Elisia wrote:

TogetherForever wrote:

Elisia wrote:

TogetherForever wrote:
Definitely no. An option would be to help him move his stuff. That way, you and your family could move on from the situation. Obviously, don't do it by yourself; have him help you. And maybe your helping him could spark something so that he'll declutter more.

i tried helping, and what should've taken 10 minutes took 3 hours because every item has a story
my favorite exaple is the Bejeweled CD, he can't play it and doesn't like it, but it was his wife's favorite so he won't throw it away Shrug

Oh, yeah that's hard. At least you tried to help.
( this might sound terrible but maybe you should help him pack some things into a box and then throw the boxes away so he doesn't notice ?)

that's actually what i was doing, but he's started checking the trash on trash days now
(so i've been throwing stuff away at my parent's house)