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General < General
a question about love
Private
National star



Miguel wrote:
do you guys fall in love with a person before you decide to start dating them, or do you enter a relationship and then slowly fall in love with that person?

ive been arguing with my best friend (who has bpd like me), and she says that people without bpd mostly fall in love during the relationship, and not before. ive argued that that doesn't make sense to me, because I genuinely can not comprehend being in a romantic relationship with someone i'm not in love with, because that sounds more like a platonic relationship. in any case, i also argued that if that was the case, i do expect the other person to tell me so i can decide that i do not want to date someone who isn't in love with me

my friend said that that was wrong, and that i was conditioning people into loving me with the same intensity as i love them, and that i am risking myself to be love bombed or whatever. i don't see it that way at all, but i'm curious to know your views, especially if any of you do not have bpd
15
Posts: 2259
Date: 06-09-2025 23:52 | Times changed: 2
Jiminator
Streetmusician



jiminator wrote:
what in god's name i would never enter a relationship with someone i don't love.. well  i've never been in love and the way i "love" things is so questionable i don't know if i could apply it to a real life person scenario

oh well i'm sure there will be differences in how much both parties love each other  but that shouldn't be called conditioning?!=! or love bombing..... i don't think every single relationship where things are at their best in the beginning and progressively fall flat means love bombing but what do i know i suppose.... i also think there's a difference between learning to work things out with one another and solidifying the relationship vs .. loving the person... 
4
Posts: 492
Date: 07-09-2025 00:11
Private
Streetmusician



kruspersille wrote:
i think i would need ur definition of dating before i can answer
are we talking committing to being bf/gf etc after having gone on multiple dates already or are we talking being exclusive but no labels are we talking just going on dates or !!!!!
14
Posts: 58634
Date: 07-09-2025 00:14
Private
National star



Miguel wrote:
jiminator wrote:
what in god's name i would never enter a relationship with someone i don't love.. well  i've never been in love and the way i "love" things is so questionable i don't know if i could apply it to a real life person scenario

oh well i'm sure there will be differences in how much both parties love each other  but that shouldn't be called conditioning?!=! or love bombing..... i don't think every single relationship where things are at their best in the beginning and progressively fall flat means love bombing but what do i know i suppose.... i also think there's a difference between learning to work things out with one another and solidifying the relationship vs .. loving the person... 
thats what i said, i dont think people love with the same intensity, but why would anyone date someone they havent fall in love with
15
Posts: 2259
Date: 07-09-2025 00:16
Private
National star



Miguel wrote:
kruspersille wrote:
i think i would need ur definition of dating before i can answer
are we talking committing to being bf/gf etc after having gone on multiple dates already or are we talking being exclusive but no labels are we talking just going on dates or !!!!!
i was only talking about formally dating someone, like a partner, not going on dates. i dont expect people to fall in love with someone before getting to know someone they might want as a partner in a romantic relationship later on
15
Posts: 2259
Date: 07-09-2025 00:17
Private
National star



Miguel wrote:
sorry for not clarifying that, in my native language we have different words to refer to those two different situations TT . TT
15
Posts: 2259
Date: 07-09-2025 00:18
Private
Streetmusician



kruspersille wrote:
Miguel wrote:
kruspersille wrote:
i think i would need ur definition of dating before i can answer
are we talking committing to being bf/gf etc after having gone on multiple dates already or are we talking being exclusive but no labels are we talking just going on dates or !!!!!
i was only talking about formally dating someone, like a partner, not going on dates. i dont expect people to fall in love with someone before getting to know someone they might want as a partner in a romantic relationship later on
then no i do not think most ppl without bpd decide to become partners w someone they r not already in love with and idk where ur friend got that from
14
Posts: 58634
Date: 07-09-2025 00:19
Private
Streetmusician



kruspersille wrote:
Miguel wrote:
sorry for not clarifying that, in my native language we have different words to refer to those two different situations TT . TT
true language also plays a big role in this cause i would also say theres a huge difference between being in love with someone and loving someone cause in norwegian ud say being forelsket in someone and to elske someone and the latter is very much stronger n i would for instance not necessarily have to love someone to ender a relationship but then again mayb that distinction is the same in english as well i have no clue !!



but yea no i personally would not enter a relationship w someone if i did not find myself to be in love w said person after having spent x amnt of time w them to the point where entering a relationship was even on the table and i strongly believe that is the general consensus of most ppl
14
Posts: 58634
Date: 07-09-2025 00:23
Fujiwara
International star



fujiwara wrote:
having being in both types of this situation. i prefer falling in love first. i think i am happier now. i can come back in a year and confirm if the falling in love first thing is 100% effective for me, but so far its working  
17
Posts: 9715
Date: 07-09-2025 00:27
Private
National star



Miguel wrote:
kruspersille wrote:
Miguel wrote:
sorry for not clarifying that, in my native language we have different words to refer to those two different situations TT . TT
true language also plays a big role in this cause i would also say theres a huge difference between being in love with someone and loving someone cause in norwegian ud say being forelsket in someone and to elske someone and the latter is very much stronger n i would for instance not necessarily have to love someone to ender a relationship but then again mayb that distinction is the same in english as well i have no clue !!



but yea no i personally would not enter a relationship w someone if i did not find myself to be in love w said person after having spent x amnt of time w them to the point where entering a relationship was even on the table and i strongly believe that is the general consensus of most ppl
that was my point !!! and my friend said that no one owes me that kind of sincerity before entering a relationship with me regarding that, which to me sounds bonkers and quite rude
15
Posts: 2259
Date: 07-09-2025 00:42
Private
National star



Miguel wrote:
kruspersille wrote:
Miguel wrote:
kruspersille wrote:
i think i would need ur definition of dating before i can answer
are we talking committing to being bf/gf etc after having gone on multiple dates already or are we talking being exclusive but no labels are we talking just going on dates or !!!!!
i was only talking about formally dating someone, like a partner, not going on dates. i dont expect people to fall in love with someone before getting to know someone they might want as a partner in a romantic relationship later on
then no i do not think most ppl without bpd decide to become partners w someone they r not already in love with and idk where ur friend got that from
i dont know, although i did search online and apparently it is more habitual than i thought, which made me even more upset because.... why
15
Posts: 2259
Date: 07-09-2025 00:43
Private
National star



Miguel wrote:
fujiwara wrote:
having being in both types of this situation. i prefer falling in love first. i think i am happier now. i can come back in a year and confirm if the falling in love first thing is 100% effective for me, but so far its working  
i just think it makes more sense, because you at least enter a relationship without expecting the other person to quit... i think that would just personally give me more anxiety regarding what the other person feels
15
Posts: 2259
Date: 07-09-2025 00:58
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