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Advice needed (please)
Doll
Popstar



Doll wrote:
I will try to keep this short.
I have been dating my boyfriend for about 9 months now and I have been struggling with OCD for 6-7 out of these 9 months. One of my biggest themes is always being scared that I am being unintentionally disrespectful/can't control being disrespectful or cheating.

Yesterday my boyfriend sent me a picture of the city square where so many people were gathered to celebrate something and one guy (stranger) stood out to me because he was taller than everyone else. I couldn't see his face properly but from what I could see, for a split second I got the thought that he looked potentially? (potentially as in not potentially for me but potentially because I genuinely couldn't tell, objectively) cute and I was genuinely just curious to see what he looked up close/zoomed in but nothing beyond that. The moment I got the idea to zoom in, panic started kicking in about why I got that idea and I felt my stomach drop. But because it all happened so fast, I genuinely do not know if it was my stomach dropping because of panic kicking in or it was actually a feeling in my stomach because I felt attracted to this man (or more like the silhouette of him). After panicking for 5-10 more seconds, I decided to zoom in to check if I actually was attracted to him and after zooming in he just looked like a normal good looking person to me and I did not feel attracted or anything else. He was not ugly admittedly, but that is all there is to it. I didn't feel or think anything else.

But ever since yesterday, I have been crying and spiraling over both why I felt curious to know what he looked like up close and also whether that feeling in my stomach was my stomach dropping or attraction to this random stranger that I saw for a split second. And I am so scared if it is the second one, that I am an awful girlfriend and my boyfriend deserves better.

I genuinely do not know what to do anymore. I told my boyfriend about this and he got a little upset, but then he said he knows I was just curious and I didn't mean anything by it, but that doesn't comfort me because what if he is wrong and I am just lying to him and he is comforting me for something that I actually did.

What do I do, I feel hopeless.
14
Posts: 746
Date: 16-07-2026 11:18
Doll
Popstar



Doll wrote:
this is a little embarrassing but i am not okay 
14
Posts: 746
Date: 16-07-2026 11:19
Private
Queen of Pop



Eliah wrote:
It’s not necessarily wrong to find other people good looking when in a relationship, but if you’re scared it’ll cause you to cheat, maybe you’re not ready to date yet
18
Posts: 7449
Date: 16-07-2026 11:33
Private
International Star



meilin wrote:
i think it's fine. i mean, you just looked at him and didn't do anything to initiate contact? i'm confused though. do you mean that you're scared that you'd cheat or did you cheat before?
18
Posts: 13747
Date: 16-07-2026 11:35
Private
International Star



meilin wrote:
Doll wrote:
this is a little embarrassing but i am not okay 
nonono it's totally fine to look for advice<3
18
Posts: 13747
Date: 16-07-2026 11:36
Doll
Popstar



Doll wrote:
The thing is I don't and have never had the urge to cheat on my boyfriend :') I only love and want to be with him. 
What I am worried about is that things like the one in the post are cheating without me intentionally wanting to cheat or without me realizing
I am already worried that I cheated by being curious what this stranger looked like up close and wondering if by being curious = I was attracted = I cheated
That is what I mean by things I can't control 
@Eliah @meilin 
14
Posts: 746
Date: 16-07-2026 11:40 | Times changed: 1
Doll
Popstar



Doll wrote:
I also do not feel any type of attraction to that stranger now :') I am sure of it 
But the thing with OCD is it makes you ruminate and overthink everything and needs certainty and proof about everything and I keep replaying that one second I looked at that picture over and over in my head and even though I am sure all my thoughts were were "oh he looks cute, what does he look like up close?" 
and not "I want him" or "I wish I was with him and not with my boyfriend" or anything  of the sort, I am still so worried that deep down just because I found him cute and was curious, I was attracted to him and cheated 

I don't know if this makes sense to people without OCD or if it sounds like bs
14
Posts: 746
Date: 16-07-2026 11:43
Private
Queen of Pop



Eliah wrote:
Doll wrote:
The thing is I don't and have never had the urge to cheat on my boyfriend :') I only love and want to be with him. 
What I am worried about is that things like the one in the post are cheating without me intentionally wanting to cheat or without me realizing
I am already worried that I cheated by being curious what this stranger looked like up close and wondering if I by being curious = I was attracted = I cheated
That is what I mean by things I can't control 
@Eliah @meilin 
It’s human nature to find people attractive, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Maybe you don’t want to hear it but I’m sure your boyfriend finds people attractive too and still loves you the same. As long as you’re not acting on any attraction, it’s not cheating, just looking at someone and appreciating that they’re a good looking person definitely shouldn’t be considered cheating. But I also totally understand why you’d feel rude or anything along those lines for thinking someone was attractive,  if at the end of the day all you do is look at someone and go “oh he looks nice” then I think you’re all good
18
Posts: 7449
Date: 16-07-2026 11:46
Private
International Star



meilin wrote:
oh no this was def not cheating! i don't have OCD so i don't know how things feel like for you, but to a stranger what happened doesn't sound like something you should worry about, though ofc it's hard to control that :c! if anything, you sound like you deeply care of this relationship and it sounds like your bf knows this too
18
Posts: 13747
Date: 16-07-2026 11:49
Doll
Popstar



Doll wrote:
Eliah wrote:
Doll wrote:
The thing is I don't and have never had the urge to cheat on my boyfriend :') I only love and want to be with him. 
What I am worried about is that things like the one in the post are cheating without me intentionally wanting to cheat or without me realizing
I am already worried that I cheated by being curious what this stranger looked like up close and wondering if I by being curious = I was attracted = I cheated
That is what I mean by things I can't control 
@Eliah @meilin 
It’s human nature to find people attractive, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Maybe you don’t want to hear it but I’m sure your boyfriend finds people attractive too and still loves you the same. As long as you’re not acting on any attraction, it’s not cheating, just looking at someone and appreciating that they’re a good looking person definitely shouldn’t be considered cheating. But I also totally understand why you’d feel rude or anything along those lines for thinking someone was attractive,  if at the end of the day all you do is look at someone and go “oh he looks nice” then I think you’re all good
What you're saying does make a lot of sense. 
I actually did ask my boyfriend if he finds other people attractive and he told me yes and I didn't get upset about it because I know it is normal, after that I asked him if he has ever been curious as to what someone else has looked like or has looked at someone a bit closer/longer out of curiosity and he said no and that he doesn't really pay attention to people around him as much and that made me overthink my own curiosity even more  Because why am I even curious to begin with
14
Posts: 746
Date: 16-07-2026 11:51
Aske
Prince of Pop



Aske wrote:
i dont have any advice but finding someone attractive on an aesthetic level is not the same as being physically or romantically attracted to someone at all
20
Posts: 14153
Date: 16-07-2026 11:51
Doll
Popstar



Doll wrote:
meilin wrote:
oh no this was def not cheating! i don't have OCD so i don't know how things feel like for you, but to a stranger what happened doesn't sound like something you should worry about, though ofc it's hard to control that :c! if anything, you sound like you deeply care of this relationship and it sounds like your bf knows this too
I appreciate your words :') I do care about my boyfriend a lot and just the idea of me being unfair to him is genuinely making me consider breaking up just so he can be with someone better than me 
14
Posts: 746
Date: 16-07-2026 11:52
Private
Living Legend



lain wrote:
Just want to start off with saying that thinking someone is attractive while in a relationship is normal. People you instinctively find attractive won't fall of the face of earth when you start a relationship, and like you said it was nothing beyond seeing what he looked like. I think your stomach dropping has to do with the immediate anxiety you got, not from this random person in a picture 

I also have OCD, so I want to try to give advice based on that because I don't really think "normal" relationship advice would be beneficial here, considering this is more so tied to an obsessive thought? (Correct me if I'm wrong!) First, are you going to therapy? If you're not, I would advice you to seek it if you can and have it available to you, and maybe get into exposure therapy! Obviously talk with your therapist which kind of treatment suits you the best, but exposure therapy is incredibly helpful with OCD.

I have also struggled with obsessing over me accidently doing "bad" things, one of them being what if I call someone and say I hate them? I obviously wouldn't do that, but there's always the thought of "but what if..." and then I start spiraling over something I haven't done, or would never actually do! But that's why OCD is so difficult to deal with  I ended up seeking security in the people around me looking for reassurance, which honestly almost made it worse in a way. Cause you won't get the 100% reassurance you need, same with ritual-based OCD where the ritual you do will never actually "help" the OCD.

My point is that this sounds like nothing to do with the picture, and everything to do with OCD. This isn't cheating, but us telling you this might not help in the long run because the root of it is unrelated if that makes sense :' )  
18
Posts: 27642
Date: 16-07-2026 11:52
Doll
Popstar



Doll wrote:
Aske wrote:
i dont have any advice but finding someone attractive on an aesthetic level is not the same as being physically or romantically attracted to someone at all
you think so even if I was curious enough to zoom in on that person?
14
Posts: 746
Date: 16-07-2026 11:53
Private
Living Legend



lain wrote:
My inbox is also open if you want to talk more! 
18
Posts: 27642
Date: 16-07-2026 11:53
Aske
Prince of Pop



Aske wrote:
Doll wrote:
Aske wrote:
i dont have any advice but finding someone attractive on an aesthetic level is not the same as being physically or romantically attracted to someone at all
you think so even if I was curious enough to zoom in on that person?
yes
20
Posts: 14153
Date: 16-07-2026 11:59
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