Dwaal wrote:hmm wrote:Dwaal wrote:
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The fact you can admit it’s loneliness and that being online became a kind of safety is already a huge amount of self-awareness... A lot of what you’re describing just sounds like avoidance slowly becoming a habit because it feels safer and more controllable, and then it starts eating everything else. That doesn’t make you hopeless or pathetic, it just means that you need to get out of your comfortable bubble, which can be extremely hard... especially if something "Bad" has already happened once because that just adds to you staying in the safe little bubble you've created... Starting new relationships or even going back to old ones can be scary, trust me.. I've been there... and some won't work out the way you want it to, and it will hurt... But sometimes you'll be surprised, and those times will be 10000x more worth it than the few times where it does not!
Also about your classmates... even if there’s less than a semester left, i still don’t think that makes it pointless. not every connection has to become some huge meaningful friendship to matter. sometimes just getting used to sitting with people more, talking on breaks a bit, being seen more etc. is already valuable practice and makes things feel less impossible.
Studying is always hard... I know I say that's something I do a lot but truth is that's only because I start my master thesis next semester and it is an area I'm actually interested in, plus there's a chance for the project to gain funding which in turn could secure me a PHD position (though it probably won't.. I hate getting my hopes up), there's about a month until the deadline for funding, so I kinda decided to help already with ideas and research... which is the only reason I'm actually studying rn... Otherwise I'm a procastinate till the last minute kind of person :') So don't fret ... it's normal to prioritise free time (though I do agree it's a bad habit)
Also I do get that you think you are mean, but I really haven't seen it yet.... I mean you're way less mean than me (but then again even my friends call me meanie.. they think it's weird when I'm not lol) Also you're allowed to have your hobbies, and I truly do hope you find someone who can at least share some of your love for them.. even if they don't find them particular interesting themselves... Me, for example, I love your small rants, I find it cute that you can be that absorbed into something, even though I don't have the biggest interest in it myself... And I do believe other people feel that way as well!
Also yea societal rules... or at least what we think is the "norm", I've found that by sometimes slightly breaking them... I learn that other people feel the same way... and are also afraid of how they're being perceived, how they behave, etc.. Sometimes breaking the norms is also good for understanding others and being understood... even though it seems scary. Also, I’m sad to hear that the friendship fell through ): Sometimes that just happens, but if it’s something you regret, maybe tell them... even if they don’t care or get mad. Also, I’m not sure it’s quite right to call it a direct addiction... I think it’s more that you feel like you have nowhere else to go, and humans are social animals whether we like it or not. I think the right approach is to take small steps irl, maybe small talk during breaks etc..
Yes! This exactly: "i think it also helps to think that if you're truly that awful then people would've had the courage to ditch you or clearly express their dislike for you already." ... It's such a valuable thought! Also, definitely good to use yourself as an example... I began to think: what would I think if I wrote this to someone I hadn't spoken to in a long time... would I be happy or sad? And that also helped a lot in me having the courage to do some of the things I've done
oh yes the part about avoidance eventually bleeding into everything else is true... and i agree with all you said yes.. the only real solution is to face and experience the pain that comes w that, cus sometimes it might be worth it yes! it is hard to consistently think of it like that but. it's the only way
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.... i think in the end people have no choice but to deal with me anyway honestly mkjnbBHANJNSB 
