post break up advice? - Forum

Doll
World Famous

Doll wrote:
long read but any help is appreciated

long story short my ex broke up with me because he got exhausted by how i managed my mental health and he said that he feels affection for me but not romantically anymore because of how bad and tired he feels
this break up was the worst hit to my mental health and it completely deteriorated and my parents finally agreed to let me get therapy and i am just so frustrated that it took me to get broken up with for them to let me get help
and while a win is a win i feel so hurt and sad and just lost.
i lost the person dearest to me and now i can get help the irony of fate

though me and him decided to try and be friends for now and yesterday we hung out as friends for a bit it was very awkward but it gradually got less awkward but still awkward

we also decided that we would see if in the future we can try again though he said he really is against a relationship with me but he is open to his feelings changing

this was all before my parents agreed to letting me get therapy. i haven't told him yet because i am thinking if i should tell him for a chance IN THE FUTURE to try again after i have started working on my bs. or if i should just tell him i am starting therapy and let time play its part.
i am so anxious and sad all the time. i really want to ask him to try again once i start therapy and have gone a couple times. but i don't know how he will take that because i don't want to pressure him either

plz help

Private
Prince of Pop

Azriel wrote:
Maybe you could text him once you feel like therapy has actually helped you and you "manage your mental health" better

Private
International Star

meilin wrote:
oh wow, i'm so sorry to hear that this happened, especially since it sounded like you were really trying your best in this relationship ):

how do you feel about being friends with him? i'm doing the same with my ex who i broke up with 3(?) weeks ago and we had to set up some boundaries to make it work.

glad your parents actually got you to therapy or like, are in the process of getting you there, but i agree that it's quite... not okay that it took something like this to happen to make them recognize something is wrong and that the "damage" already got done in your relationship before you were able to get help.

i wouldn't tell him right away that you've started therapy, because i could see how that might come across as a little "bid" for the lost connection with him, but i also don't think it would be terrible if you would tell him. maybe later on could work, like casually "yeah, my therapist said that too" or "oh yeah, sorry, i can't at time x, i have therapy", if it becomes relevant in the conversation naturally? and then if he wants to know more, he can ask? ideally he would ofc see the gradual improvements himself but yeah. i can definitely see why you would want to tell him bc i would too, in your situation

i wish you all the best in this process<3 dealing with mental health problems while recovering from a breakup can be incredibly hard

Doll
World Famous

Doll wrote:

Azriel wrote:
Maybe you could text him once you feel like therapy has actually helped you and you "manage your mental health" better

we text everyday still just much less >< but yeah i am considering that even if i tell him now i will just let him know i am starting therapy without asking him to immediately consider us again once my therapy has started working and instead ask him that then... though i am like wht if he completely moves on by the time therapy hopefully starts working and im missing my chance.. idfk i am so lost

Doll
World Famous

Doll wrote:

meilin wrote:
oh wow, i'm so sorry to hear that this happened, especially since it sounded like you were really trying your best in this relationship ):

how do you feel about being friends with him? i'm doing the same with my ex who i broke up with 3(?) weeks ago and we had to set up some boundaries to make it work.

glad your parents actually got you to therapy or like, are in the process of getting you there, but i agree that it's quite... not okay that it took something like this to happen to make them recognize something is wrong and that the "damage" already got done in your relationship before you were able to get help.

i wouldn't tell him right away that you've started therapy, because i could see how that might come across as a little "bid" for the lost connection with him, but i also don't think it would be terrible if you would tell him. maybe later on could work, like casually "yeah, my therapist said that too" or "oh yeah, sorry, i can't at time x, i have therapy", if it becomes relevant in the conversation naturally? and then if he wants to know more, he can ask? ideally he would ofc see the gradual improvements himself but yeah. i can definitely see why you would want to tell him bc i would too, in your situation

i wish you all the best in this process<3 dealing with mental health problems while recovering from a breakup can be incredibly hard

thank you so much for always reaching out to me :c you are genuinely the sweetest

i genuinely am not super happy with being friends, the break up was against all my wishes but i couldn't force him to keep bein in a romantic rs with me so it was either friends or nothing and i took the lesser evil TT i believe for you and your ex it was you who broke up right? :c i suppose you are probably managing it easier than i am. may i ask what boundaries you guys put? me and my ex also put some boundaries as in no romance at all, no pressure from my side if his feelings have changed yet and spending less time together & seeing if eventually time makes him feel less opposed to trying w me again after i have worked on myself

and yeah i guess better late than never 3 but i do feel so genuinely bad about how everything could have been different if i had been able to get help sooner. but oh well, no use crying over spilled milk or wtv they say (i will be crying about it)

as for what to tell him right now i am genuinely so lost. my other friends have told me to just bring up therapy as a statement as well rather than followed with a request for him. but i am genuinely torn on what to do, maybe u can read my reply to azriel above and see what my issue is specifically with telling him now or later

i seriously have no idea how to move forward

Private
International Star

meilin wrote:

Doll wrote:

meilin wrote:
oh wow, i'm so sorry to hear that this happened, especially since it sounded like you were really trying your best in this relationship ):

how do you feel about being friends with him? i'm doing the same with my ex who i broke up with 3(?) weeks ago and we had to set up some boundaries to make it work.

glad your parents actually got you to therapy or like, are in the process of getting you there, but i agree that it's quite... not okay that it took something like this to happen to make them recognize something is wrong and that the "damage" already got done in your relationship before you were able to get help.

i wouldn't tell him right away that you've started therapy, because i could see how that might come across as a little "bid" for the lost connection with him, but i also don't think it would be terrible if you would tell him. maybe later on could work, like casually "yeah, my therapist said that too" or "oh yeah, sorry, i can't at time x, i have therapy", if it becomes relevant in the conversation naturally? and then if he wants to know more, he can ask? ideally he would ofc see the gradual improvements himself but yeah. i can definitely see why you would want to tell him bc i would too, in your situation

i wish you all the best in this process<3 dealing with mental health problems while recovering from a breakup can be incredibly hard

thank you so much for always reaching out to me :c you are genuinely the sweetest

i genuinely am not super happy with being friends, the break up was against all my wishes but i couldn't force him to keep bein in a romantic rs with me so it was either friends or nothing and i took the lesser evil TT i believe for you and your ex it was you who broke up right? :c i suppose you are probably managing it easier than i am. may i ask what boundaries you guys put? me and my ex also put some boundaries as in no romance at all, no pressure from my side if his feelings have changed yet and spending less time together & seeing if eventually time makes him feel less opposed to trying w me again after i have worked on myself

and yeah i guess better late than never 3 but i do feel so genuinely bad about how everything could have been different if i had been able to get help sooner. but oh well, no use crying over spilled milk or wtv they say (i will be crying about it)

as for what to tell him right now i am genuinely so lost. my other friends have told me to just bring up therapy as a statement as well rather than followed with a request for him. but i am genuinely torn on what to do, maybe u can read my reply to azriel above and see what my issue is specifically with telling him now or later

i seriously have no idea how to move forward

ahhh yeah if those are the options there isn't much of a choice when you still have feelings for him ):

yeah, i broke up with my ex and since he still seems to hope that we might get back together in the future, it's much easier for me to move on. though i still get physical and behavioral stress symptoms since the breakup and then there's ofc the anger and sadness from the things he did during our relationship.

but yeah, we ended up with this gradual friendship/reconnection thing where we first only text, then move to calling if the texting is a "success", then to videocalling and eventually visiting each other again. the boundaries we set were mainly: no venting/using the other person for coping or other forms of codependence (talking about a bad day is ok, texting while in acute distress is not) and no romantic/relationship-oriented language (so no promises on not dating new people or saving oneself to the other one [despite the cheating, my ex really liked to do those..]). the goal is to transform the previous romantic connection to a platonic one and despite being broken up, we often still text daily and push back, if either one of us begins to repeat old patterns.

your situation sounds a bit different though as i understand his feelings were changed due to the exhaustion and it sounds like he is willing to give it another try if that changes? i think less time together might be good for that, as that would promote more independence and potentially restore his energy. regarding the moving on, is there anything concrete that might make you think that he will move on before you're healed enough? because if he's as exhausted as he says, wouldn't he be too exhausted to move on too? and he said he feels affection towards you, so wouldn't he stop to think of how moving on might affect you?

i don't know when you're starting therapy but maybe after some initial appointments you could tell him how it went or that this is what you have been doing (without asking him back)? while i fully believe that you have done your very best, i think delaying the information could be reassuring to him that the situation is more stable, like you don't need an immediate reaction (even if you actually would). which could restore his romantic feelings towards you, since exhaustion was the reason for the breakup