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General < General
would this be rude to ask
Private
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meilin wrote:
im in a group of 6 and each week we (or, those who are available) meet up for dinner. each week there is a poll on if you can attend or not. so far the poll has 2 "yes"s and 1 "no". i havent voted yet and the other two who havent tend to join spontaneously or vote very last minute. in theory im interested in joining for the dinner, but i dont want to go if it will be 4 + me, because thats just too much for me rn. 3 + me would be somewhat okay, though id prefer the 2 + me the most. also bc the 2 that have voted on coming are on the quieter side and the 2 that havent voted can be honestly a bit much for me. not bc i dislike them, but bc i just get overwhelmed easily and i feel like rn i can handle like,,, max 1 loud person

would it be rude to ask the 2 if theyre going or not and say that im interested but i want to see how big the dinner gets, as ive been a bit overstimulated lately? i dont want it to seem like i dislike those ppl bc i genuinely dont
18
Posts: 14098
Date: 19-10-2026 14:25
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meilin wrote:
hmmm or maybe i could vote "yes" but then if the others end up joining i will just skip bc i forgot something? that way i wouldnt have to imply i find them exhausting? i know one of them at least struggles with that and i dont want to make it worse 
18
Posts: 14098
Date: 19-10-2026 14:39
Solar
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Solar wrote:
meilin wrote:
hmmm or maybe i could vote "yes" but then if the others end up joining i will just skip bc i forgot something? that way i wouldnt have to imply i find them exhausting? i know one of them at least struggles with that and i dont want to make it worse 
i would probably do this! depending on how 'open minded' the others are, if they're very understanding then you could explain the situation but i think most ppl would maybe take offence to it : /
19
Posts: 16024
Date: 19-10-2026 15:01
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meilin wrote:
Solar wrote:
meilin wrote:
hmmm or maybe i could vote "yes" but then if the others end up joining i will just skip bc i forgot something? that way i wouldnt have to imply i find them exhausting? i know one of them at least struggles with that and i dont want to make it worse 
i would probably do this! depending on how 'open minded' the others are, if they're very understanding then you could explain the situation but i think most ppl would maybe take offence to it : /
yeah ): i mean its a group of neurodivergent people, so in general prob more accepting than the general public, but the two that havent voted are not autistic but adhd. which is relevant because there has been in the past things like me and a fellow autistic person discussing when wed take the bus later on and he was like "ahh yes lets just see when this gets boring" and i was like "yes sounds reasonable" and the non-autistic ppl ofc processed the exchange a bit differently D: even if its true, people start leaving once the gathering loses its spark
18
Posts: 14098
Date: 19-10-2026 15:12
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devilcake wrote:
I feel like that’s a very reasonable way to put it n okay thing to ask espec in a nd group
19
Posts: 205339
Date: 19-10-2026 16:18
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meilin wrote:
devilcake wrote:
I feel like that’s a very reasonable way to put it n okay thing to ask espec in a nd group
mhm. i ended up voting "yes" and going with the plan where i might change it to a "no" later if i see more "yes"s. idk i feel a bit rude but the last time i went it was genuinely more overwhelming than fun bc of the amount of people yapping at the same time and i feel like seeing people who might become my friends later on should be fun and not overwhelming
18
Posts: 14098
Date: 19-10-2026 16:34
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meilin wrote:
its lwk a bit problematic though that 3/6 people of the group are too loud for me but idk i hope it gets easier to handle with time bc apart from being too loud i like them
18
Posts: 14098
Date: 19-10-2026 16:37
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devilcake wrote:
meilin wrote:
devilcake wrote:
I feel like that’s a very reasonable way to put it n okay thing to ask espec in a nd group
mhm. i ended up voting "yes" and going with the plan where i might change it to a "no" later if i see more "yes"s. idk i feel a bit rude but the last time i went it was genuinely more overwhelming than fun bc of the amount of people yapping at the same time and i feel like seeing people who might become my friends later on should be fun and not overwhelming

Yeah I think changing it because many people will have very little to no affect on others vs like saying yes then pulling out when few people cus then someone might be there alone shshsh
19
Posts: 205339
Date: 19-10-2026 16:46
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devilcake wrote:
meilin wrote:
its lwk a bit problematic though that 3/6 people of the group are too loud for me but idk i hope it gets easier to handle with time bc apart from being too loud i like them
Can you bring noise cancelling headphones and just vibe in their presence if too much too loud 
19
Posts: 205339
Date: 19-10-2026 16:46
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meilin wrote:
devilcake wrote:
meilin wrote:
its lwk a bit problematic though that 3/6 people of the group are too loud for me but idk i hope it gets easier to handle with time bc apart from being too loud i like them
Can you bring noise cancelling headphones and just vibe in their presence if too much too loud 
i want to participate in the convo too ): but when the loud people are there its just not possible for me bc autism (scanning for social stuff) and speech processing issues (by the time ive figured out whats being said 3467 new things have already happened)

i like hanging out with them without participating as well but idk lately it feels like its the only way i can participate if the loud people are there ):
18
Posts: 14098
Date: 19-10-2026 16:52
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meilin wrote:
idk it feels like the adhd people move at 2x speed and im watching a video in a foreign language with 0.5x speed and no subtitles
18
Posts: 14098
Date: 19-10-2026 16:54
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