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| I'll let you in on a secret.. |
| .. Well, its not a huge sensational secret, if a secret at all, but at least I got your attention... I don't really like children that much. Especially not babies. But for obvious reasons, I really love and adore my baby son! I won't say I hate children, but I've never been a 'I love kids!' kinda person, and therefore have to have my own. Also, I've never thought I'd want to have children at all. Time and time again, I see a lot of 15-18 year old girls be like "I'll never have children!" because they either don't like kids, or think they'll never be able to take care of one. Well, no, obviously not at that age. But thankfully, you have time at that age, so why really make any decisions so soon? When I was that age, I didn't want to have children either. But I also had a severe depression, and could hardly even take responsibility for my own life, let alone someone elses. Needles to say, that would've been a terrible time for me to have children, so obviously I didn't (which is also the main reason I had to get an abortion at the age of 22). But around the time I turned 26, a lot of things changed. It was about that time I finally beat the depression, and began a somewhat normal life. But it was also around that time my biological clock started to tick louder. It was as nature just wanted me to start reproducing, because it just felt like that was my purpose. I had never had this feeling before, so obviously how could I foresee whether or not I would have children in the future? I mean, its like telling your 4 year old self, you will never want to have sex, until the day you for the first time experience being horny. You can't predict that you'll get a feeling that will change your mind, if you'd never had that feeling before. I can't say it happens for everyone, but it happens to most obviously (since most women get kids eventually), but deciding something like that when you're barely hit 20, seems like a weird thing to do. Chances are you'll change your mind, so why tell yourself your set on a decision already? If someone asks you at 19, if you want to have kids, they aren't asking if you want to have kids right now. But the most ambivalent thing about being a mom for me, is that I really have come to terms with the fact that I have never been a kids person. When I was a teen, I literally hated babies and toddlers. When a got a bit older, I tolerated them, but they still annoyed me. When I was around adulthood, I tolerated them, didn't get annoyed by them, but didn't seek them either. When I got around the age where I finally felt ready to have children of my own, they were more interesting to me, but I was still very awkward around them. Even up until the day I gave birth, I really had no idea how to talk to babies and toddlers. But then i got my own, and he was really the only exception. For some reason, i don't really see him as a baby-baby, in that sense. I see myself in him, and I see my partner in him. But I most of all see a potential friend, that I look forward helping out in life. Suddenly all this overly cutesy baby stuff that used to make me womit, became tolerable. But I still feel a little awkward around toddlers, probably because my own son hasn't reached that age yet. Although I can now tolerate other peoples children, and some of them can even seem pretty cute, I'll probably never be one of those people who squee in excitement when they see a baby. And you know what? Thats okay. You don't have love kids, to have kids and still be able to love your own. Because you see something totally different in your own offspring, that you don't see or feel for other peoples kids. |
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