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| my mental voices |
TRIGGER WARNING - depression/eating disorder- its my second account, i know some people (for example the mods) can see the ip adress so i beg you not to tell who i am okay? (sarah / jess i dont care i you would message me because i like you) my best friend wasnt feeling well so i started to tell him how my eating disorder and my depression started so yeah ... my english is bad so i am sorry but i just want to tell about it because i feel better and it is as if a burden is lifted from my shoulders ugh Okay so a lot of people call "Anorexia Nervosa" Ana and "Bulimia Nervosa" Mia. Personally I think, it's because they don't want to let other people think they were crazy, so they just said its a friend I started to realize that the voice in my head is actually mia okay? she forced my other voice to leave me alone because the other voice didnt care about my body so mia actually forced me to not eat a shit because i am fat with 60 kilo which is actually normal okay? first i thought this was crazy, i am just imagining it, thats some stupid things but than i actually did it. because the voice told me to look at pictures of nice, skinny girls, she learned me to love my collar and my hip bones (and i am still obsessed with them) and my ribs i lost 15 kilo maybe more (ok i was lying ok my actual weight was 65/67 kilos) because i started spitting out everything i ate suddenly a fucking third voice appeared, although my first voice, my actual thought werent understandable anymore. she was so kind and lovely, she told me to stop because puking is not good and i harm myself a lot with it. first i thought it were my actual thoughts so i started to listen to them. i stopped puking but what i didnt realize is that she was pretty much a snake. she told me not to each that much because i would start puking again so i started to eat less food. after some time she would start being even more aggressive and yelling at me, saying i am for no good and i have to stop eating that much and i fucking listend at her. this is ana, the one who forces people not to fucking eat my first voice, my thoughts started to rebel, kinda like in a dictatorship where people start to fight and i tried to listen to my actual thought but yeah kinda it didnt worked out because i am pretty much devot so the more aggressive one was the one who won i thought it couldnt get better, but my actual thoughts started to get very very sad, thinking it wouldnt work out. that anything makes sense. this wont work out so yeah "hello depression how are you?" it was as if i didnt have any normal thoughts left, because i only thought "okay so we have there my thoughts, which got depressiv, and mia and ana fighting about what method is better but agreeing on the same thing: i am too fat" i mean yeah, my depression kinda was always there, i will never forget the feeling i had when i was sitting on the bed, hearing my mothers steps in the floor and how i begged god that she wasnt coming into my room. i remember her, how she attacked me in the bathroom with a really hard brush, i remember how she attacked me, hit me and pushed me towards the table where my cat sat, he defended himself, he was afraid at the moment so he scratched me on the right cheek and i look closely i can still see them and i can feel them but my depression got worse once my thoughts met ana and mia i guess because my mom always told me that i am going to be very very fat and always when we were around she told "oh look at her she is gorgeous" and you know what? my boyfriend tells me he loves me and thats why he is attracted to me, he finds me sexy because fucking loves me but he said that i am too thin and if we wouldnt know each other, he wouldnt really like my body i had suicidal thought a lot of them i thought "okay you know what, i dont care anymore" once after school i was on the platform in front of the tracks, i felt (and i will never ever forget this) as if i completed my life. that i can end it but than somehow my thoughts fought the depression so it parted in two; still: my depression was bigger than my actual thought if we would look at those by size it would actual be like this: 1st place: ana and depression (congrats) 2nd place: mia 23489th place: my thoughts he said: "do you really want to let someone win, or do you want to win?" at this point i had interesting stuff in biology. how the heart worked, how it tranported the blood to every point in our body so yeah i was like "damn its not my thoughts that keep me alive, its my body. every cell deserves to live, because they all do a fucking great job" I had fucking 4 voices in my head, everyone was kinda disagreeing with the other one, i wasnt able to deal with it. after i stood there, i went back home and i cried, a lot, not because i was sad (well yeah i was sad) but i mainly cried because i realized that its not my thought that are keeping me alive so i started to practice every morning i stood up and went to the bathroom, i decided to NOT check my weight as i usually did, i looked into the mirror, which i didnt as well, and told myself that i am okay, that my body is ready to wake up and that my cells and my heart and my lungs and everything else is keeping me alive i started to look forward to the positive things: my next biology class, that i can start reading my book when i am back home i somehow started to recover.. i met new people, they were so kind and i felt that they love me although i kinda think no they dont love me but they kinda do and thats the same with us, i know you dont feel well but you should know, no, no, you actually know that i love you, you are my best friend okay?! and look forward, to the positive things we fucking see each other soon, i never did something like that before?! i booked a flight to england although we konw each other for 5 months just to see you on your birthday ... i am visiting a therapist and i am recovering, I AM RECOVERING at the moment i am not feeling well, it got better now it kinda got worse but i know that i will recover again so dont look at the bad things, look at the good things |
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