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| Got The Depression Screaming At Me |
| I feel very worthless. I don't know if it is the consequences of my lack of action solely or if they have a big part, but I've found that when my depression flares up a little and affects my performance in art and school negatively--because how the hell else is depression going to affect me?--I end up feeling much, much worse shortly after. I've been told to force myself to do things I don't want to do. I have to do that so often and I'm exhausted. It has been a few months since I last tried to kill myself. It has been one month since last I sliced my wrist with the knife I hide under my books of stickers. That's progress I guess. Things just keep spiraling out of my control. I don't understand what decisions I am making to have such bad luck. My house was robbed. Had no shoes, lost a lot of my clothes, a lot of my tech, my drumset, and then my pay is messed up. I get far behind with bills. That part doesn't bother me as much as it maybe should, but it is a little stressful when added onto all the rest of the nonsense. Car was stolen, was absent from class again, out of my control. How was I supposed to get there? Bother someone undeserving of the burden of a three + hour drive and then again when I can't get home unless they make the drives again? Grades slipped because of it, had to miss church, which I honestly believe is one of the only things keeping me alive right now. $300 stolen, I'm so used to it by now, I actually genuinely laughed. Having trouble paying all my bills even now. Whatever the fuck else...humans frustrating me, the icing on the cake is really the fact that the VA has refused to pay me what they are supposed to be paying me for months in a row now, so I can't pay my college to continue taking classes. If that isn't fixed soon, what am I supposed to think? It must be a sign that this is the wrong path. But I am so close to finishing. I literally have a year or less to go. And then I think, what after that? I am so worthless. Not good enough at all for anything real. I have the sweetest little kitten; I don't deserve her. I feel like too much is given to me, but seeing it all in writing, knowing things I know about myself and what I've done and what I surround myself with, things are not as bad as they appear. The last couple weeks were a little rougher than usual. Truth is, I am so scared of failure that I don't want to try, so I don't always try. Back in time, when I used to try as much as I could, before I had depression, I was not good enough. What has possibly changed from then to now? I'm wiser, maybe. I don't know. Forgot how helpful blogging can be. ^^ It helps to get this out of my system in writing. Rereading over it and realizing, oh yeah, I recall all of these things. Here's what I can do differently next time. LORD, how are they increased that trouble me! many are they that rise up against me. Many there be which say of my soul, "there is no help for her in God". But thou, LORD, are a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter up of mine head. I cried unto the LORD with my voice and he heard me out of his holy hill. I laid me down and slept; I awaked; for the LORD sustained me. I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people, that have set themselves against me round about. Arise, LORD; save me, God: for thou hast smitten all mine enemies upon the cheek bone; thou hast broken the teeth of the ungodly. Salvation belongeth unto the LORD: they blessing is upon thy people. - Psalms 3 |
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