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| One Bad Thing After Another |
| This will be a long blog post. I just started writing and I know it. I'm on this site, playing tetris. I have had a lot on my mind this Thanksgiving Holiday. I have much to be thankful for. But all I can think of is how angry I am at everything. Some may think I am being unreasonable, but I doubt it, honestly. Maybe some of these things are unreasonable. But I would not be human if I was not upset at all about what I've learned this holiday weekend. The main points have to do with my father's new girl friend, our traveling to her family for Thanksgiving, her in general, really, how my anxiety and depression have been topsy turvy and fucked all week, and the kicker will have to do with my niece. So, after class on Wednesday night at 10 PM, I get ready to help my father's girlfriend, let's call her Naanie, to her family because her doctor said that she shouldn't drive for nine hours on her own. I felt kinda bad, like...I wouldn't want to not see my family if I just got back home from being in a foreign country for six months. I was dreading it quite a bit since I agreed to go with her. I just had a bad feeling about the whole thing. It may be because I left my disable father alone. That always scares me to death. I don't like being away from him, I want to be there to help him if he needs it, which he often does. So that's the beginning of my anxiety. On the drive, I get that worthless feeling like I usually do when I don't feel alright. "You're over reacting. It'll be fine. You'll get to eat some good food, see a new place, be surrounded by a whole bunch of strangers....yeah, sounds like fun. None of these people will understand you probably because Naanie sure as hell doesn't..." This woman is alright. Really, she's not bad at all, she just bugs me a lot. She'll say things to me, and I'll nod, "Yeah, I know about that." She will start going into this big long detailed lecture about shit I already know about, or I don't care about. Sometimes, she'll say interesting stuff, which that is cool. But for being a passive person, I am VERY VERY clear about not wanting to hear about shit I already know. Please, spare me. Here's the kicker, though. When she's done, she goes, "Do you understand what I'm saying?" Or something along the lines. Those are usually her exact words. She has that judging look, and I want to say, she doesn't mean to, it is just how she is. She doesn't mean to make me feel like an absolute dumbass, she just likes to explain, explain, explain...and then confirm that I follow her. This isn't anything new when it comes to me and other humans, but she cuts me off often. I feel like I can't speak to this lady sometimes. It is so dumb, though, because she seems like she is so approachable when we get to that warm, close, space. Then she opens her fucking mouth in just the wrong way and...ruined. Makes me want to give up, but I really really want to try harder because my father really likes this girl...T.T FML She is a huge improvement over the last girlfriend, though. I just do not like how she talks to me. I don't often see her speak to others that way, just me. So it honestly makes me wonder if I come off as a dumb bitch. I kind of want to ask around, people that kinda know me at school or whatever and just ask, "Do I come off as an idiot to you?" And maybe I'll know why. Then I remember, that's just gotta be her personality. I mentioned it to her slightly, and she tells me, "I don't mean to sound condescending; that is never my intention." Which is all well and good, but usually when you tell someone upfront if you got an issue with them, we're supposed to come up with a solution. Nah, none of that...then again, I do just roll over and take it like a bitch, so whatever. I have made good friends with her niece that lives with her father. Her name's Reed. She is quite bomb. We have much in common despite her being younger than me. We have a similar sense of humor, similar interests. That's cool. I don't relate to Naanie very much. Naanie just knows a bunch of whatever I guess, does average human things, maybe...? She's kind of like...one of those intelligent people that don't know that they're being irritating about it. Oh man...so far, this has only happened one time, but she once was talking about something like she knew, but she didn't know. She thought she knew, but she wouldn't hear me. She would not hear me. I can't have a conversation sometimes with people because I am often too quiet, but I was not too quiet this time. I looked this information up, and I had an explanation. I was right! She was not completely wrong, but she had the wrong idea, and I wanted to share it with her so we both knew, but...I'm just not credible or something, idk I have had good events on this trip. It is no biggie. There are a couple of small things that make it hard to function here. First of all, I packed two pairs of pants that were too small. Shrunk in the dryer, so I only had 2 pairs of pants. Shorts, and jeans. I've worn the same pair of jeans out every time, and it kind of sucked. I'll live, but that's not so bad to me, honestly. There are basements everywhere here. Basements themselves aren't so bad, but I don't always expect to see stairs when I open a door/walk into a building. I have a deep, irrational fear of stairs. Stairs and falling are my biggest fears out of anything. So...on top of sleeping in an unfamiliar place, which is already difficult, I have nightmares that wake me up multiple times about falling down stairs forever. Now, when I say "unfamiliar place" I mean anywhere that is not my home. I used to live with my brother, and I have a hard time sleeping at his place. I have an even harder time sleeping at my mom's, and even worse with my sister. So...these people aren't even my family, and I'm taking hours to fall asleep, even with medication, and then I wake up three or four times from a weird ass nightmare. I get over it quick, it just sucks that I wake up when it happens. I'm not even scared then, I'm just mad. We went to a pretty cool marketplace here. Lots of culture and ethnicities and things to try and sample and look at that were interesting little trinkets and parts of history there. It was amazing. Best part of it all, I finally, finally found something I'd been looking for for a year. Outside the Boba Tea shop, there was a guy selling tea to take home. I found Thai Tea. Finally found Thai Tea!! I bought ten ounces of that. The only money I spent. I swear. I was so happy. Probably the second best thing that happened to me. First, it would be becoming friends with Reed. We've made plans for her to come to my home and visit after Christmas. We'll game, and we've promised to send memes to each other every day. Lol...good times. So, Sunday rolls around, the last night we are spending here, and it is quick suckish. I really wanted to be home before Sunday morning so I could go to the Church I know and love and feel like I desperately need to survive right now. Church is so uplifting for me and I hate skipping it because I don't have gas, or whatever it is, I'm puking up my lungs, whatever, flat tire.... And we thought about going to one here. Thing is, I don't have my car. I wanted my car, but we didn't bring it. Only Naanie's car. It makes sense when it comes to gas, but...yeah, I guess that might be a little silly to some people, but I love Church. It helps my depression and it makes my whole week better and now I fear for my sanity until next Sunday. It is like a crutch. I'd like it to be more than that, but it can't be right now. I felt like crying and I was in pain all day Sunday. I took a hot shower, and it lowered the back pain, but I still feel like crying today. The main reason is because of something that happened with my niece. So let's go over the whole story. I have two nieces, Marie and Hya. They are the daughters of my sister, Onne (pronounced awn - A). Onne married her high school sweetie like an idiot at age 19 or whatever. As soon as they could all to spite his parents who hated her because she has a terrible personality. Yeah, she's my sister, but that only means I know better than anyone. It is just the truth, though I'd never say it to her...probably. Onne cheated on her husband. Constantly. She cheated on him with a boy younger than her...>.> and then she made plans like they were gonna be together. When my father objected, she lost her mind and left. Got a couple roommates after that, her roommates Jerry (who is a female) and a guy named Ray. So...she told me about Ray and Jerry...I visited one summer, met them both, liked them both. I had a weird feeling about Ray, I knew he liked her. I wasn't gonna say anything, though. It was whatever. While she is getting her divorce finalized with her high school sweetie, she starts seeing Ray. I instantly did not like him anymore. I hated him, actually. I didn't believe it was right. I was suspicious. She was married for eight seconds before she got a divorce and slept with every other man on the planet for those eight seconds. I refused to believe this. She and Ray became pregnant. I was disgusted. First of all, I hated Ray, second of all, they were serious enough for this? They weren't even engaged? I feel like marriage is very important for that. I didn't know why at the time for certain, I thought it was God, but it is actually because I am ace, and just against sex in general unless you reproduce. But I think you should only reproduce one you have a better chance to have two parents for at least the first 14 years of a kid's life. Jesus! So...Marie is born. I don't want to have anything to do with any of them. After a while, my dad goes, "You need to make up with your sister. She's your sister." I really didn't want to. My sister often demonizes my dad, exaggerates stories to make him seem like a King of Hell or something, in charge of all her suffering in life, and after fighting and fighting about it, my dad finally convinces me to make up with her despite all she's said about me and him. She thinks I am an impressionable mind and I'll listen to my dad and believe every word he says no matter what and I have no mind of my own, bla bla bla. I hated that about her. She assumes she knows it all and hurts everyone around her, but justifies it somehow. No one dare hurt her feelings, though, or you must be Satan. Anyway, a whole big mess where she's being dramatic and irritating and wah wah wah...I meet Marie, I hate babies, but I see me in her. We look alike, all of us ladies, so since she can't do anything yet but lay there and make faces, I am cool with her. Really, I am. Me and Onne make up because of that. She has to bring up our father, and I try to fight for his defense, but this woman is impossible. She is right, always no matter what. So I agreed just to shut her up. Just shut...up. And after that, we could have a relationship again. What a fucking condition! Well...After I grew to like Marie, and Onne and I became closer, I was forced to also spend time with Ray...and I ended up being alright with him as well. It was literally the next day after I finally accept him that she tells me that they've had problems ever since Marie was born. I wanted to hope for her, maybe they could work it out. But no. She's so controlling and not very understanding of other people's mistakes. Someone makes a mistake, they're the fucking worst...if she makes a mistake, it either wasn't really, or it wasn't a big deal. Sure. That's her. Atrocious and impossible to deal with, seriously. Well, they are good for a second I guess. I am visiting my mom after my sister's landlord kicks her out. Why? Because she's a horrendous personality and the landlord didn't wanna deal anymore. Well, in the middle of the night, I hear yelling and crying. Apparently, Ray went through my sister's phone. I agree, it was fucking wrong. But in a way, it probably saved a lot more drama this way. He found texts in her phone to another guy, Haoi. Surprise, surprise. I should have never liked that guy because now he's gone forever. So they get a divorce, joint custody, I think is what it is called, and then she marries Haoi! Hah...hilarious. I called it from the very beginning. It won't last. It won't. I knew it wouldn't. Everyone was like, "Uh...too cynical. Why are you so negative?" Look at her track record! Two husbands through and gone. This one might last longer and seem like a dream, but he'll be gone soon enough. Everyone thought I was wrong. I didn't get close to this guy. I refused. I played nice, of course, but I was not about to like this guy just for him to disappear as well. After they were married, it took them a year or so to finally get pregnant, introducing Hya. She had Hya Lee. Up til then, they seemed like the perfect little family. I didn't know when it would happen, but I knew it would. She'd leave him because of some stupid little thing he did she refused to understand, see past, forgive, et cetera. Everyone had such a good feeling about them. I had to be wrong, right? Alas, I was wrong. He actually left her. I laughed my ass off. I could not believe...that was how it happened. I would have never expected that. Like...usually it is her. Maybe he tolerated her horrendous personality and controlling behavior, why, though? I didn't quite understand. I thought it was hilarious. Amazing...unexpected. What was kinda dumb about it is when I talked to my father about it, he said everyone else had the same reaction. "I never would have expected it would be him to leave her. It is always the other way around!" Everyone said that word for word apparently. I mean, if they were to break up, we all assumed it'd be her that ended it. But it wasn't. We were freaking baffled! My dad told me to stop being happy. I'm not happy, I was shocked. And yes, I thought it was funny. So I'm a terrible sister, indeed. But I don't mind admitting that shit. She will not admit that. She thinks she's a great sister...heh. Whateves. That's a whole different story. Anyway, bottom line, Haoi left Onne. I lost my mind. I was laughing...but then...as time went by today, it sunk in. There was a piece of information that was somehow less shocking. Somehow, it didn't hit me until later, something a lot worse has happened and...I feel like crying again. Haoi left my sister, and took their daughter, my niece Hya with him. He kidnapped her. Technically, he totally kidnapped her. Little baby Hya. And I am mad. I can't imagine how terrible Onne must feel. No matter how impossible she can be to deal with, I would never wish this upon her. I don't want her to feel pain just because she irritates me to no end. She is my sister and I love her to death. And...I never liked Haoi, but it wasn't because of how he treated her or behaved, but because I knew deep in my gut he wasn't going to stick around. I never thought it'd be like this. I hope I never see him again. He'll regret it. So many bad things just happen. So many let downs. How am I supposed to deal with this? I haven't talked to my sister. She doesn't know I know about this yet. Marie is getting surgery soon...Onne doesn't have a job and she just bought a new house with her soon-to-be divorced fucker.... Sigh. All I want to do is cry. |
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