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General < General

shame on me

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scoff wrote:
i still wonder why people think of me the way they think of me
i was so fucked saturday and bf's friend's sister came n she's like idk two years older than i am?? and i'm so fucked and i just keep talking n talking n talking n then she's like "nath how old are you?" n i say "i'm 19" and she's like "how can you have done so much?"
but like i don't think i have done that much
sometimes in my life i've been trying to do a lot of stuff and try out new things and such because i don't want to be boring, but? a lot of stuff? i'm sure most people my age have been through more than i have in every single way

also i'm laughing inside because the bf has realized what i realized a long time ago
we were sitting on the bathroom floor because it was nice n cold in there n it was too hot everywhere else and we were talking and i don't know who brought it up, i think it was him, and he's like "what if you get tired of me cos i'm so old?" and i'm like "you're not that old man c'mon you're what nine years older than me but we're the same age mentally" and he's like "i think we both know in the head you're older than me"

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scoff wrote:
i'm rly nervous for no reason because next weekend we're gonna go stay at one of his really close friends' place n go to some gig n stuff n idk i'm just??? cos i've never met her

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scoff wrote:
THINGS TO BRING FROM HOME:
*bank thingy
*a couple more t-shirts
*another bra n one of those bags so i can wash em
*maybe change shoes
*cash

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scoff wrote:
I've been happy for too long now and february is around the corner, and every february ever since I was a little kid, everything's been fucking hell. I'm so scared of feeling bad again. It's easy to feel like shit when you're alone, because then you can sit in a fucking corner and just scratch your face till it bleeds, but when you're with someone you can't and you have to bite your fucking lips till they bleed.
I wanna be with this someone, so I just fucking hope I won't feel like killing myself anytime soon.
Hey, I've been feeling well for nearly a year now. I wanted to die last february, I was gonna go jump in front of the train or go home and slit my wrists in the shower, but I didn't because this guy in the grade above mine came up to me and said "fuck this, nath, come with me and Alex for a couple beers", and so I did.

2016 was such a weird year for me, and I love it. I used to just barricade myself inside my room and not come out and not talk to people when I wasn't in school but I never was in school, but then after that day I just kept having beer with different people every day, and I partied all summer, and I met my bf and??? It's fucking amazing.

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scoff wrote:
Don't tell anyone, but I'm drinking beer and listening to fucking Chinese Democracy instead of being in school right now. Ha, I suck!
And why am I listening to Chinese? I shouldn't be doing that, it's bad, everybody knows it's bad, but I sorta kinda like it.

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scoff wrote:
I think it might be time for a shower tho. And maybe some makeup and clothes.
I like to look as if though I have actually gone somewhere and done something with my days.

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scoff wrote:
My ultimate goal in life is and has always been to experience as much as I possibly can. That's why at nine I threw myself naked in the river when the ice was still thick, that's why at ten I went looking for abandoned houses with my friends, that's why at eleven I got drunk on red wine and spied on my neighbors, that's why at twelve my favorite thing to do in the world was to steal beer from my neighbor and sit on the school roof and drink it with my brother and our friends, that's why I've always done everything I've done, and that's probably why everything I do feels so fake on some level. I'm willing to try every drug you might throw at me, because then I've tried it. Then I've experienced it. I'm willing to go anywhere in the world, even with someone I barely even know, because then I've done it. Then I've lived it. Sometimes I think about just throwing some shit in a duvet cover and leave, live on the road. Because then I've lived on the road. Then I've lived having nothing.Then I've done something.
My biggest fear in life is to die having experienced nothing. I want to experience and live more than you, or you, or anybody. I wanna soak it all up. I don't want to die without having tried life for real.

I remember being a kid, maybe eleven. My brother, I, and our friends used to hop on our bikes in the morning and go down to this old, abandoned park, right? It had a big house with a big dance floor in the middle of it. We used to hang out there, smoke cigarettes, and drink stolen beer. We'd stay out all day. There were little buildings next to it, tiny sheds. We broke into them and found a bunch of china, so we threw it all over the place. It made me so happy when it shattered. We stole a crowbar from somewhere and smashed all the toilets standing everywhere in the park, too. Then we used to go to the junkyard and steal old junk that we used to decorate the place. We cleaned it, too. There was a little room backstage that we made our headquarters. Headquarters for what, I don't know. I just know that we put chairs in there, and a table, and some candles, and that we cleaned it. And then we put our beer there, and our cigarettes. Pens and papers.
Then one day we got there, and everything was gone. Someone had cleaned up the park. I got a bad feeling, I said we gotta get away from here. Then we heard a car, so we ran. A couple days later we heard that the park was open again. Someone had bought it and was planning on putting it back into business.
So we broke into the bomb shelter in our basement instead. We stored our beer and our cigarettes there. We brought magazines and pillows and blankets and everything down there. It was nice, because it was like an apartment underground. It had a kitchen, complete with a stove, water still running, a kitchen table, and two chairs. It had two bedrooms, both of them with closets inside. It had another room, an oblong one, that had power outlets and a long table and a couple chairs and a rag rug. The only thing it didn't have was a toilet, so we pissed in the sink. We put our beloved crowbar there, as well. Our little brothers tried to get in, too, so we told them it was full of dead people and ghosts.
A couple months later the landlord came and locked up the place again, so we broke into an empty apartment instead. The elctricity was shut off, but it was analogue, right? So we put it back on, because we knew no one would realize anyway. Then someone moved in. Finally we found a hidden room behind our attic. There was a hole in the wall, right? A tiny hole, but if you crawled through it, there was an even bigger room behind. I remember we put a tape player in there, and then we sat around smoking, burning stuff, and listening to punk rock on tape. I made it my very own art gallery for twisted art. Twisted art was mostly just burned and disfigured old Barbie dolls covered in paint and with pills stuck to them everywhere. I hung them all from the ceiling. I think it's all still up there - the tape player, the disfigured, burned toys, a couple packs of smokes... I used to go up there and sleep when I was mad at my mom.

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scoff wrote:
I'm fully aware that everyone on here thinks I'm nothing but a pretentious fucking asshole who's trying way way hard, but I don't think I really care, you know? I don't fucking care. You can have whatever fucking opinion you want about me, but don't walk around acting as if though you're somehow bigger or better or that one day, one fucking day, I will realize I want to be just like you.
No, I don't want to be like you.
I don't want to be like anyone of you. I like some of you, some I don't, I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I know if someone reads this thread they'll think "fuck, she's stupid" or "fuck, who does she think she is?".
Well I think I'm me, first off, and I think that's pretty much fine. I do nothing, or I do something, I have one, I have two, I'm pissed off at you and you and you and I don't know. Ramble ramble.
Ramble on. I think that's a Zeppelin song, ain't it? Led Zeppelin - Ramble on
Is it on Zeppelin III or IV? Gotta look that up. I've all four of those so it's hard to remember. I only know Guns N' Roses track lists by heart and it goes Welcome to the Jungle, It's so Easy, Night train, Outta Get Me, Mr. Brownstone, Paradise City, My Michelle, Think About You, Sweet Child O' Mine, You're Crazy, Anything Goes, Rocket Queen, Reckless Life, Nice Boys, Move to the City, Mama Kin, Patience, Used to Love Her, You're Crazy, One in a Million, Right next door to hell, Dust n' bones, Live and Let Die, Don't Cry, Perfect Crime, You ain't the first, Bad Obsession, Back off Bitch, Double talkin' jive, November Rain, The Garden, Garden of Eden, Don't Damn Me, Bad Apples, Dead Horse, Coma, Civil War, 14 years, Yesterdays, Knockin' on Heaven's door, Get in the ring, Shotgun Blues, Breakdown, Pretty tied up, Locomotive, So Fine, Estranged, You Could be Mine, Don't Cry alt., and My World

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scoff wrote:
I feel like maybe I am trying too hard, but not in the way people mean it when they say it to me. I think maybe I am trying too hard to figure myself out. Who am I? Why am I? What am I?
I mean, I know I'll never know the answer to those questions. In fact, there's a lot of shit that I'll never know the answers to, because I only know a fragment of a fragment of a fragment. Nobody owns the truth. Things are what they are, and sometimes we can't explain them. That's what I believe. sometimes, things just are, and it's not constant, things are one thing, then they are another. I've been reading some greek philosophy lately, and believe me, I can't mae sense of that anymore that I can make sense of why we exist. Nothing makes sense.

I still want to know who I am, you know? I want to be... what do they call it? Self-aware? I know I just come across as self-absorbed instead. That's what happens when you skip school too much and drink beer every fucking day of the week. My friend actually told me that the other day. She said 'nath, you're quite smart, but i think you've drunk some of your brains away'. She might be right, maybe not. I don't think I drink a lot at all.

Anyway, making sense of myself. Making sense of me. Me me me me me. I can be self-absorbed for a while, can't I? Not that I care whether or not you approve of it. Doesn't touch me in the back.

Sometimes I lose myself in my own head. I stay in for too long, or I don't meet anyone for too long, and I just get stuck inside my head. The real world scares me then, it scares me a lot. It's like I forget how to talk to people, and what happened inside my head, and what's real. I wonder if that's because I get too bored. Like, I get bored, I feel like something's lacking, so I have to make up for it inside my head. I spend a lot of time trying to analyze myself and why I do the things I do. Maybe that's a bad thing, maybe not. All I know is that right now I'm writing this and that is to organize my thoughts. I need to get them out like this, otherwise they stay in my head and as time goes by, they get twisted and I get it all wrong.
I've been really scared a couple times in my life. The first time, I was 11. I didn't take anything, but I got high out of my mind. I got so high, I didn't know what was real and what not. The second time, I was 12. I walked into the woods, and I saw something that wasn't there. And I ran. And I cried. And then I laughed like a crazy person. Then, I was 16. I went to school in the morning, and nothing was real. That time, I didn't feel high. I felt like maybe I lived in a bubble, because I saw you, the world, but I couldn't fucking touch it. And that's when I became obsessed with Girl, interrupted, because Susanna described what going crazy felt like, and that was exactly how I felt. I just knew it. At 16, I went fucking crazy. It passed after a couple days, I can't remember those days, but it passed and the next thing I remember is I'm sitting on the couch chain smoking and I'm organizing the pantry. A friend of mine says it might have been some sort of a mild psychosis because I can't remember shit, but I'm sure it's just derealization. If it wasn't real although it was, what's the point in remembering?
I googled, google said it could happen with anxiety and stuff, but I hadn't been anxious for real in like a month at that point. Maybe it's like everything else with me. Something happens, and I don't react till it's over. I think it's a survival instinct. I remember when our car caught on fire in the middle of the woods and we had no cell phone reception, everyone freaked out, and i was just like??? Chill. Chill the fuck out. And then when it was all good, I broke down and cried. Survival instinct. It's like... when I turn off my emotions. I can do that. In fact, I'm very good at it. When I was 13 and my mom ended up in the hospital about to die, my siblings were sad but I was just like "fuck it! either she dies, or she lives, and whatever happens next... well, i can't do anything about it, i'll just have to live through it" and it works so well for me, turning off my feelings. It works so so well.

Maybe I'm good at escaping, one way or another. Maybe it's shutting off, getting fucked up, drinking... anything. I like to run away from my problems, so there's probably something that I need to face right now. School. I've skipped school last week and today. Perhaps... I gotta find a job. I should call my stepdad about driving, but I'm not really sober right now.

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scoff wrote:
Tonky's coming on friday and I'm excited.

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scoff wrote:
Yesterday I realized I'm quite a bad person, right? So the other day we ordered food online from the store cos we're lazy assholes that can't be bothered to go to the store. Then when we got the stuff, and one item was missing. He kept insisting we ought to e-mail the store about it, but I thought it was really just ridiculous because it was such a cheap and really unnecessary item that was missing, you know? So I joked some and went something like 'yeah, but we can't only complain about that one thing being missing, we gotta lie and say something else is missing too' and he just stared at me like I was stupid because apparently that would be a pretty shitty thing to do.

So I'm not just a lazy asshole, I'm an actual asshole as well.

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scoff wrote:
He also keeps telling me I need to learn how to complain about things, like if I'm eating out and there's something wrong with the food, right? I won't complain about it, I'll just leave it, because I don't wanna complain to some waitress. Same thing at the grocery store, I wouldn't ever complain about anything, because I have this weird amount of respect for people working with that sort of stuff, cos most of the time it ain't even their fault and I know they'll get shit for it from their bosses anyway.

I just don't want to do anything to harm anyone in any way.

Damn, what the fuck has happened with me? I used to not give a shit about anyone or their feelings, and then I fell in love and realized I might be able to feel things like that anyway, and now I'm super empathetic.

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scoff wrote:
Things I probably should stop doing:
-skipping school
-making stupid jokes and being a bitch

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scoff wrote:
My best friend doesn't like my boyfriend and that makes me uncomfortable for some reason. It's not her fault, not his. Weird.

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scoff wrote:
I don't understand how a person can be so easily annoyed. It's like every time I can't read his mind, it's offensive or pissing him off. I don't get it at all.

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