sometimes i wonder - Forum - Virtual Popstar

Private
International Star

meilin wrote:
if i will ever have a proper friend group or even just one irl friend who i hangout regularly with. i dont think ive had that since i was 13 aside from online friends and as the years pass it seems more and more unlikely that i ever will

like nothing has changed from this (except that it turns out i can't connect with neurodivergent people either) and it feels so bad?? like i want a friend someday? and idk what i do wrong because im doing everything people always tell you to do: going to places/meetings regularly (i attended weekly meetings this entire year and last year the same but with a different group), talking casually when i have the energy (like asking how theyre doing with the course were having etc) etc. but people dont interact with me unless i initiate it and even if i initiate many times i get the feeling theyre not really enjoying it bc otherwise surely theyd also come talk to me sometimes?

idk it feels sad

Private
Popstar

bexxi wrote:
i get it its so hard to find friends irl especially if u are socially akward
u do everything u can but it doesnt seem to work and thats just very discouraging

Meister
National Star

Meister wrote:
I think it has been harder to make friendships since the pandemic. Now people only live on their phone and online. Its also harder to click to people if you dont like the things they like to 100%. If you must agree on everything how can a friendship grow? Im just talking and mumbling to my self here and i have no evidence in anything i write.
When we dont feel a click its harder to form a bond. It can also be that they dont think about the things they do or say. For them its the way they are, its how they function and dont think about others.
Have you tried to ask one person to hang out and just eat an iceream?

Private
International Star

meilin wrote:

bexxi wrote:
i get it its so hard to find friends irl especially if u are socially akward
u do everything u can but it doesnt seem to work and thats just very discouraging

it's so messed up bc i don't even understand when i'm being awkward or do something inappropriate? like once i talked with my ex for almost an hour about what my sims are doing and he got mad at me bc he had been giving me "so many signs/hints" and i just didn't catch them bc he didn't explicitly say it was getting too much. i also really struggle understanding how turn taking works in convos in general with the right amount of pauses, tones and such ugh

Private
International Star

meilin wrote:

Meister wrote:
I think it has been harder to make friendships since the pandemic. Now people only live on their phone and online. Its also harder to click to people if you dont like the things they like to 100%. If you must agree on everything how can a friendship grow? Im just talking and mumbling to my self here and i have no evidence in anything i write.
When we dont feel a click its harder to form a bond. It can also be that they dont think about the things they do or say. For them its the way they are, its how they function and dont think about others.
Have you tried to ask one person to hang out and just eat an iceream?

kind of! i have been on bumble bff "dates" with people but it doesn't work out for some reason. when i match with people, they compliment on the vibe i give and things seem to go well via the app convos, so i know it's not that i'm just fundamentally terrible person, but it's something in my body language or how i behave that doesn't work out

personally this has been an issue for me way before pandemic. i wouldn't say it's necessarily interests either because i know plenty of people irl who i can click with based on interests (i wouldn't say mine are terribly unique) but who still don't vibe with me on a fundamental level. the people who i met every second week-ish this uni year formed groups, but it didn't seem that they shared that many interests?

Meister
National Star

Meister wrote:

meilin wrote:

Meister wrote:
I think it has been harder to make friendships since the pandemic. Now people only live on their phone and online. Its also harder to click to people if you dont like the things they like to 100%. If you must agree on everything how can a friendship grow? Im just talking and mumbling to my self here and i have no evidence in anything i write.
When we dont feel a click its harder to form a bond. It can also be that they dont think about the things they do or say. For them its the way they are, its how they function and dont think about others.
Have you tried to ask one person to hang out and just eat an iceream?

kind of! i have been on bumble bff "dates" with people but it doesn't work out for some reason. when i match with people, they compliment on the vibe i give and things seem to go well via the app convos, so i know it's not that i'm just fundamentally terrible person, but it's something in my body language or how i behave that doesn't work out

personally this has been an issue for me way before pandemic. i wouldn't say it's necessarily interests either because i know plenty of people irl who i can click with based on interests (i wouldn't say mine are terribly unique) but who still don't vibe with me on a fundamental level. the people who i met every second week-ish this uni year formed groups, but it didn't seem that they shared that many interests?

I think you are on something.
On the web we dont hear or see the body language or hear the voices of the persons. They are more direct and for some people its easier to understand what the other person thinks.
A person can look mean but can be the nicest person in the world, body language can be tricky. If you dont smile you can give signals as "Leave me alone" if you smile you can give vibes as "Im a little bit crazy".
The voices can also make a person seen nice or mean, if you dont have a smile in the voice when you talk about nice and fun things you can sound mean and sarcastic. And if someone tells something funny and a voice sounds boring the person can think that they are boring.

If your body language is stiff and not moving it can also be seen ans the person is being bored or unfriendly.

Private
International Star

meilin wrote:

Meister wrote:

meilin wrote:

Meister wrote:
x

x

I think you are on something.
On the web we dont hear or see the body language or hear the voices of the persons. They are more direct and for some people its easier to understand what the other person thinks.
A person can look mean but can be the nicest person in the world, body language can be tricky. If you dont smile you can give signals as "Leave me alone" if you smile you can give vibes as "Im a little bit crazy".
The voices can also make a person seen nice or mean, if you dont have a smile in the voice when you talk about nice and fun things you can sound mean and sarcastic. And if someone tells something funny and a voice sounds boring the person can think that they are boring.

If your body language is stiff and not moving it can also be seen ans the person is being bored or unfriendly.

yup! i just wish i knew what it is so i could change it bc i literally feel like an incel but with friend stuff ;-;

Meister
National Star

Meister wrote:

meilin wrote:

Meister wrote:

meilin wrote:
x

I think you are on something.
On the web we dont hear or see the body language or hear the voices of the persons. They are more direct and for some people its easier to understand what the other person thinks.
A person can look mean but can be the nicest person in the world, body language can be tricky. If you dont smile you can give signals as "Leave me alone" if you smile you can give vibes as "Im a little bit crazy".
The voices can also make a person seen nice or mean, if you dont have a smile in the voice when you talk about nice and fun things you can sound mean and sarcastic. And if someone tells something funny and a voice sounds boring the person can think that they are boring.

If your body language is stiff and not moving it can also be seen ans the person is being bored or unfriendly.

yup! i just wish i knew what it is so i could change it bc i literally feel like an incel but with friend stuff ;-;

Do you have a friend or family member that you feel safe with and ask them how you look and sound when you talk?

MissLondon
World Famous

MissLondon wrote:

Meister wrote:
I think it has been harder to make friendships since the pandemic. Now people only live on their phone and online. Its also harder to click to people if you dont like the things they like to 100%. If you must agree on everything how can a friendship grow? Im just talking and mumbling to my self here and i have no evidence in anything i write.
When we dont feel a click its harder to form a bond. It can also be that they dont think about the things they do or say. For them its the way they are, its how they function and dont think about others.
Have you tried to ask one person to hang out and just eat an iceream?

Its also harder to click to people if you dont like the things they like to 100%. If you must agree on everything how can a friendship grow?
This!
when it’s apparent someone is like this, it definitely causes me to disengage because it makes me think
the person peaked in high school

Meister
National Star

Meister wrote:

MissLondon wrote:

Meister wrote:
I think it has been harder to make friendships since the pandemic. Now people only live on their phone and online. Its also harder to click to people if you dont like the things they like to 100%. If you must agree on everything how can a friendship grow? Im just talking and mumbling to my self here and i have no evidence in anything i write.
When we dont feel a click its harder to form a bond. It can also be that they dont think about the things they do or say. For them its the way they are, its how they function and dont think about others.
Have you tried to ask one person to hang out and just eat an iceream?

Its also harder to click to people if you dont like the things they like to 100%. If you must agree on everything how can a friendship grow?
This!
when it’s apparent someone is like this, it definitely causes me to disengage because it makes me think
the person peaked in high school

Me and my friends agree on things to 90-95% ( now it sounds like i only are friends with people that must agree with me to 100%. Me and my friends have the similar type of childhood and having a rough adulthood. If i meet someone that only agree with me to 70% i dont tell them that we cant be friends. To me its more about how you treat me and if you are a nasty person with a nasty persona. YES IM BAD AT EXPLAINING THINGS THAT DONT MAKE ME SOUND LIKE AN AR$E!)
I give a new person 1-2 chances and if you treat me bad, talk bad about me or so on you are cut from my life. I had enough of false people and i dont need that drama anymore.

and the rest is "We can discuss things we are not agreeing on as respectful adults and can agree to disagree" and then we talk about something else and makes plans for the next time to meet up. No hard feelings or backstabbing or so on.

If we only hang out with people that says yes to everything or only has the "either its 100% or nothing"
how can you change and evolve? Just because i dont agree it dont mean i dont learn anything new to read up on or find a new hobby and so on.

And if you do 98 good deeds people will only remember the 2 bad things you did of 100 and will never talk to you again. People are fanatics today and refuse to see other sides when they talk to others.

MissLondon
World Famous

MissLondon wrote:

Meister wrote:

MissLondon wrote:

Meister wrote:
I think it has been harder to make friendships since the pandemic. Now people only live on their phone and online. Its also harder to click to people if you dont like the things they like to 100%. If you must agree on everything how can a friendship grow? Im just talking and mumbling to my self here and i have no evidence in anything i write.
When we dont feel a click its harder to form a bond. It can also be that they dont think about the things they do or say. For them its the way they are, its how they function and dont think about others.
Have you tried to ask one person to hang out and just eat an iceream?

Its also harder to click to people if you dont like the things they like to 100%. If you must agree on everything how can a friendship grow?
This!
when it’s apparent someone is like this, it definitely causes me to disengage because it makes me think
the person peaked in high school

Me and my friends agree on things to 90-95% and the rest is "We can discuss things we are not agreeing on as respectful adults and can agree to disagree" and then we talk about something else and makes plans for the next time to meet up. No hard feelings or backstabbing or so on.

If we only hang out with people that says yes to everything or only has the "either its 100% or nothing"
how can you change and evolve? Just because i dont agree it dont mean i dont learn anything new to read up on or find a new hobby and so on.

And if you do 98 good deeds people will only remember the 2 bad things you did of 100 and will never talk to you again. People are fanatics today and refuse to see other sides when they talk to others.

Clocked it on ALL!!

Those are usually the same friends who have the courage
to tell you, “I love you, you’re the homie but you’re deadass wrong”
if/when you’re out of pocket, rude, about to commit crimes lol etc

true, when they only acknowledge the bad things
it’s like a blessing lol because it shows who they are
and I never feel like I’m missing out on anything
because I don’t try to get to know them lol

Meister
National Star

Meister wrote:

MissLondon wrote:

Meister wrote:

MissLondon wrote:
Its also harder to click to people if you dont like the things they like to 100%. If you must agree on everything how can a friendship grow?
This!
when it’s apparent someone is like this, it definitely causes me to disengage because it makes me think
the person peaked in high school

Me and my friends agree on things to 90-95% and the rest is "We can discuss things we are not agreeing on as respectful adults and can agree to disagree" and then we talk about something else and makes plans for the next time to meet up. No hard feelings or backstabbing or so on.

If we only hang out with people that says yes to everything or only has the "either its 100% or nothing"
how can you change and evolve? Just because i dont agree it dont mean i dont learn anything new to read up on or find a new hobby and so on.

And if you do 98 good deeds people will only remember the 2 bad things you did of 100 and will never talk to you again. People are fanatics today and refuse to see other sides when they talk to others.

Clocked it on ALL!!

Those are usually the same friends who have the courage
to tell you, “I love you, you’re the homie but you’re deadass wrong”
if/when you’re out of pocket, rude, about to commit crimes lol etc

true, when they only acknowledge the bad things
it’s like a blessing lol because it shows who they are
and I never feel like I’m missing out on anything
because I don’t try to get to know them lol

Yeah when we discuss i say "If my memory is correct, correct me if im wrong, i might be wrong on this topic" to show that im not sure on the thing im going to say. If they say i was wrong i say "Ohh thank you, now i learned something new today" Imagine walking and saying things that are 100% wrong and no one tells you that you have the wrong information for a long time.
If a friend are saying something that i think is wrong i say "I think you are wrong, let me double check" and its not because i want them to feel bad. I do it because i want to double check and we need to triple check information today. I asked two different google on two different devices the same question and the first AI answer that comes up gave me two different answers.

Private
International Star

meilin wrote:

Meister wrote:

meilin wrote:

Meister wrote:
I think you are on something.
On the web we dont hear or see the body language or hear the voices of the persons. They are more direct and for some people its easier to understand what the other person thinks.
A person can look mean but can be the nicest person in the world, body language can be tricky. If you dont smile you can give signals as "Leave me alone" if you smile you can give vibes as "Im a little bit crazy".
The voices can also make a person seen nice or mean, if you dont have a smile in the voice when you talk about nice and fun things you can sound mean and sarcastic. And if someone tells something funny and a voice sounds boring the person can think that they are boring.

If your body language is stiff and not moving it can also be seen ans the person is being bored or unfriendly.

yup! i just wish i knew what it is so i could change it bc i literally feel like an incel but with friend stuff ;-;

Do you have a friend or family member that you feel safe with and ask them how you look and sound when you talk?

i've asked about this in the past, but i haven't gotten any specific things. my ex once said i seemed like a massive red flag when we met and that he's glad he ignored the "weirdness", but i still don't know what that weirdness was. sometimes i ask him for social advice and he can break down what i did wrong, but i don't seem to learn from it? or, surely i'd do better socially if i had? i do watch videos on body language and how to converse better semi regularly though, which i think helps to a degree, but i really wish these things would come naturally to me

it says in my medical/psychiatrist notes from my childhood that i lack facial expressions, my voice is monotone and i appear to avoid contact with others, so it could be that i do those unconsciously? like non-verbal signals that mask as disinterest/lack of engagement