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im suffocating
Cobain
International Star



cobain wrote:
my bf wants me to come over tonight bc he's not feeling great and doesn't want to be alone. i decided already yesterday that i wanted to be at home today bc i just need it, and im going to the optician early tomorrow and its easier for me to sleep at home

but im torn bc hes not feeling great so i wanna be there for him but at the same time i CANT bc i really want to be at home. i told him i got a bad conscience about wanting to be home but then he got upset at me and told me he doesn't understand me sometimes, and that its weird i got a bad conscience, and that if the roles were reversed he'd come be with me in a heartbeat. i understand what he means but i feel like its not the same thing. people are fucking pulling me from all directions and i need to be enough for everyone but i actually cant be. i want to be enough for myself too, i need to think of myself too!

and this whole alone time thing... yeah sure i can be alone whenever i want to, but when i am, he's always so sad about it and as soon as i tell him "i wanna be alone tonight" hes asking me when i want to see him next, i need to decide on the spot. and then he texts or calls me and wants to plan for the next time we are seeing each other etc. idk if i explain this in a good way rn lol i got a bit upset after we talked on the phone just now when he got upset at me when i was in the store and i had to fight back tears hahah
19
Posts: 10232
Date: 03-08-2021 18:32
Cobain
International Star



cobain wrote:
i dont even know what to say to him. if i go to him and spend the night, its not gonna be a fun night. i will be in a bad mood and feel sad bc i physically feel that i NEED TO BE ALONE and at home. it will feel like im forced to be there
and idk he doesn't feel great quite often and i feel like i cant be there for him every single time? i probably should, im his girlfriend, but what the fuck i cant give so much of myself constantly. right? idk

i hate this, im gonna have to call him up and its gonna be a whole shtishow bc im an awful girlfriend : - )
19
Posts: 10232
Date: 03-08-2021 18:35
Cobain
International Star



cobain wrote:
yeah i just told him ill be there later
but i cant. but im  a fucking idiot if i dont god im gonna lose it one day i cabt fucking take the pressure from everywhere
19
Posts: 10232
Date: 03-08-2021 18:46
Private
Popstar



ouch wrote:
Old adults can be sad alone 
16
Posts: 95660
Date: 03-08-2021 18:49
Marlene
Youtube Star



Marlene wrote:
totally understand you on the part about pressure.

ur bf probably reacted that way as he isn't feeling well but you make sure to talk about it with him once hes ok.
its important that he can understand you if not then hes not supportive and u need the support.

also to compromise you could just go over there for 1-2h and then go home again if that makes the situation any easier.

put yourself first no matter what, ive been doing that lately biting back at those who's asking me to pick them always.
16
Posts: 3492
Date: 03-08-2021 18:55
Private
National Star



kagura wrote:
everytime i read about people's relationships i wonder why the hell they are in a relationship 
14
Posts: 7616
Date: 03-08-2021 18:56
Private
World Famous



Hufsa wrote:
youre his gf, not his mom /therapist. i get that he probs want support from time to time but cmon.. 
imo his shit is his shit, and its not okay to expect you to be there all the time. its unfair to you. 
its nothing wrong in saying no. when going into a relationship youre not signing a contract promising to be there every time he needs you ukno.

not saying you shouldnt be there, and be supportive when needed(as he should,too), but you should really just say no when you need time to yourself. and there shouldnt be any guilt involved (ik its hard not to when youre a people pleaser lmao im the same). 

if i were you id just tell him that sorry, tonight isnt going to work. but i can come -insert time- and we can do -insert whatever a movie or smthng idk lol-
20
Posts: 1812
Date: 03-08-2021 19:00
Private
National Star



kagura wrote:
Hufsa wrote:
youre his gf, not his mom /therapist. i get that he probs want support from time to time but cmon.. 
imo his shit is his shit, and its not okay to expect you to be there all the time. its unfair to you. 
its nothing wrong in saying no. when going into a relationship youre not signing a contract promising to be there every time he needs you ukno.

not saying you shouldnt be there, and be supportive when needed(as he should,too), but you should really just say no when you need time to yourself. and there shouldnt be any guilt involved (ik its hard not to when youre a people pleaser lmao im the same). 

if i were you id just tell him that sorry, tonight isnt going to work. but i can come -insert time- and we can do -insert whatever a movie or smthng idk lol-
14
Posts: 7616
Date: 03-08-2021 19:01
Cobain
International Star



cobain wrote:
yeah like i honestly don't think i'm a bad person or a bad gf for wanting to be alone
even if he's feeling like shit and wants me there

and the difference between us two is that i have a full time job that is VERY demanding of me. i have extremely high pressure coming from my bosses, very stressful job and at the same time i need to please everyone and cater to everyone. and it's the same fucking shit when im at home with him too. i need to please and cater him and i feel pressure coming from him too.
he's studying, and rn it's mainly home schooling. he's at school max 2 times a week, for a couple of hours each. say maybe 6h/week i total. the rest of the time he's at home, alone. i understand he's experiencing the days differently than i do, and that his need for alone time isn't the same bc he's already alone so much. i've explained this to him before, because it's not the first time we argue about something similar to this. he says he understands but i don't think he does. i feel like he's often trying to coerce me or guilt me into seeing him and i cant take it 
19
Posts: 10232
Date: 03-08-2021 19:19
Cobain
International Star



cobain wrote:
and another thing about me working all the time and him studying from home
how he expects me to do things around the house. this sounds very bad but i mean... that he expects me to do the shopping, cook, clean up quite often etc. i feel like i do that shit more than he does, IN HIS APARTMENT. because he's feeling like shit that day, so he can't get in the headspace to cook rn. he's feeling bad and don't want to be around people, so then he can't go to the store. stuff like that. so i need to do it, when i've just worked a 12h shift for example
he's not forcing me but if he doesn't do it i'll have to do it. sick of it
19
Posts: 10232
Date: 03-08-2021 19:23
Cobain
International Star



cobain wrote:
we've argued a bit more lately and i think is partly miscommunication but also that i can't be what he wants/expects me to be. i've told him this in the past how i feel like he expects me to be a certain way, and that i can't do it. it takes too much energy from me to be that way. i don't mean i should change, it's just that i can't fully engage in our relationship the way he wants me to. and the more tired i get, both physically and mentally, the less i can keep up with it. so then we argue about it. or HE argues about it. kinda putting guilt on me for not being able to be a good gf or whatever. he's not straight out telling me i'm a bad gf but that's what i feel like he's saying, just with other words. if u know what i mean?
and when i bring that up to him, that i feel like a bad gf or a bad person, he says i'm twisting it to be about me instead. and that i can't like take responsibility for the thing i've apparently done to upset him. maybe i am twisting it idfk but i don't feel like i do, but then it's just game over 4 me bc then i'm apparently using manipulation tactics ??
19
Posts: 10232
Date: 03-08-2021 19:32
Private
Popstar



ouch wrote:
He sounds annoying n like a turd 
16
Posts: 95660
Date: 03-08-2021 19:35
MissLondon
World Famous



MissLondon wrote:
cobain wrote:
and another thing about me working all the time and him studying from home
how he expects me to do things around the house. this sounds very bad but i mean... that he expects me to do the shopping, cook, clean up quite often etc. i feel like i do that shit more than he does, IN HIS APARTMENT. because he's feeling like shit that day, so he can't get in the headspace to cook rn. he's feeling bad and don't want to be around people, so then he can't go to the store. stuff like that. so i need to do it, when i've just worked a 12h shift for example
he's not forcing me but if he doesn't do it i'll have to do it. sick of it
That’s not fair to you
and being formerly employed there
he surely remembers the workload.
You’re the gf, not the maid, personal shopper/chef
take time for yourself or you might grow resentful 
20
Posts: 28089
Date: 03-08-2021 19:39
Cobain
International Star



cobain wrote:
you know what he said to me 2 weeks ago when we argued? it was about an old fight we had a few months back, he brought it up and i really don't know why. he said that in that old argument, i had twisted things and how fucked up that was. i told him i didn't agree bc when we had that argument i felt like he was the one twisting things. i even talked to a friend on the phone as we had that argument and said to my friend i felt like he was twisting it. 
anyways, then he said i use the same tactics as a wife beater. and then it was apparently weird when i got sad about him saying that to me, because he didn't call me a wife beater. i know u didn't call me that but you are telling me i use the same tactics as them! bitch i have had a relationship with a wife beater, which he knows, and he was basically telling me i act the same way to him as my ex did to me. which naturally made me very sad. ugh
19
Posts: 10232
Date: 03-08-2021 19:39
Private
World Famous



Hufsa wrote:
cobain wrote:
we've argued a bit more lately and i think is partly miscommunication but also that i can't be what he wants/expects me to be. i've told him this in the past how i feel like he expects me to be a certain way, and that i can't do it. it takes too much energy from me to be that way. i don't mean i should change, it's just that i can't fully engage in our relationship the way he wants me to. and the more tired i get, both physically and mentally, the less i can keep up with it. so then we argue about it. or HE argues about it. kinda putting guilt on me for not being able to be a good gf or whatever. he's not straight out telling me i'm a bad gf but that's what i feel like he's saying, just with other words. if u know what i mean?
and when i bring that up to him, that i feel like a bad gf or a bad person, he says i'm twisting it to be about me instead. and that i can't like take responsibility for the thing i've apparently done to upset him. maybe i am twisting it idfk but i don't feel like i do, but then it's just game over 4 me bc then i'm apparently using manipulation tactics ??

from what youve written it seems more likely hes the one manipulating.

honestly he sounds like a manchild. and like a piece of shit. hes obviously getting a great deal in the relationship, at the expence of your energy, time and its just not okay. 
If i were you id probably leave his ass. even if he werent so childish and, imo, annoying, youre obvs on two very different paths. 
20
Posts: 1812
Date: 03-08-2021 19:40
Cobain
International Star



cobain wrote:
MissLondon wrote:
cobain wrote:
and another thing about me working all the time and him studying from home
how he expects me to do things around the house. this sounds very bad but i mean... that he expects me to do the shopping, cook, clean up quite often etc. i feel like i do that shit more than he does, IN HIS APARTMENT. because he's feeling like shit that day, so he can't get in the headspace to cook rn. he's feeling bad and don't want to be around people, so then he can't go to the store. stuff like that. so i need to do it, when i've just worked a 12h shift for example
he's not forcing me but if he doesn't do it i'll have to do it. sick of it
That’s not fair to you
and being formerly employed there
he surely remembers the workload.
You’re the gf, not the maid, personal shopper/chef
take time for yourself or you might grow resentful 
i've already grown a bit resentful
because even though i get alone time a few times a week, i don't feel like it's enough rn. and i go see him sometimes even though i'd truly want to be by myself. but i don't think he understands. i don't know why he doesn't understand. it's just gonna turn into yet another argument if i start demanding even more alone time, all the while he's telling me i can be alone how much i want to. to him, the time we spend together right now isn't enough for him, he wants to be with me more. so idk dude
19
Posts: 10232
Date: 03-08-2021 19:44
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