cobain wrote:
so he came home
i was in bed. he came to me and asked if i was sad. i didn't say much, just closed my eyes. and he said that he was wrong, he was at fault and that he has to be easy on me. he said it was wrong of him to get angry and wrong of him to not remove the app or smth. i started questioning him about the app more, i asked why he lied and i told him that basically EVERYTHING i have read about it says that it's for cybersex and paying women to get undressed. he told me again that he doesn't use it for that and that he swore on his family that he didn't. he said that the girl he was talking to, yes he met her on that app a long time ago, but he didn't use it for seeing women. i asked him if he's ever seen her get undressed, he said no. again he swore on his family. i asked if he's used it in a sexual way during our relationship and he said no. he promised. he told me he wants to live his entire life with me, that i'm absolutely perfect for him, he wants to travel with me and just make a life together, he has introduced me to his family and they adore me, he wouldn't have done that if he was gonna go behind my back. i told him that people can be married for 50 years, have children together, and they still cheat, so it doesn't really mean shit, does it?'
he said that this girl lives in his home country, they're from the same city even. she knows about his family. i asked if his family know her, he said no but that she knows who they are. basically. that's how they had gotten to know each other, because they were from the same area. i asked him to show me her insta, he said he don't have her on insta. i asked him to show her anywhere, facebook, wherever, he said he doesn't have her anywhere because they got to know each other through that app and have never had contact anywhere else. which to me feels strange. but. idk.
i questioned those hearts on the screen. i asked if he was paying her to talk to him and he said no. i asked why those hearts were on screen tho, like he gave her gifts or whatever the fuck it means. he said he didn't know but he hadn't given gifts and no money involved. idk.
i asked why he lied about it being an old app because i'd just now lately started seeing the notifs that he also removes RIGHT away when he gets them. he told me that maybe it's because he opened the app again after a long time, that's why he started getting notifs from it again. i told him i saw it was in the last spot on his home screen so seems more like a new app. but if i'm honest i'm not 100% sure it was last on his home screen, it looked like it but i'm not entirely sure. he still said it was an old app.
he told me again that he was really sorry and that he needs to understand me more. i told him that everything i do out of jealousy, i do it because i am so scared. he asked if i'm scared to lose him and i said yes. he said he was scared of losing me too, and he'd never want to risk losing me. he told me that he was in the wrong and needs to get better at making me feel safe with him, and also said that i need to get better with my jealousy. fair enough. i told him that i am painfully aware that i have issues, deep rooted fucking issues. i told him that i'm trying to bite my tongue so much and i'm trying to work on these issues but it's really fucking hard, especially when he keeps doing stuff that triggers me.
then he asked if i don't trust him and i said that i don't. because i just don't. he asked me what he needs to do to make me trust him. i told him that i don't know.
he was almost in tears during our convo. i started crying several times.
he had bought me a gift, quite expensive one. classic cheater move tho, eh? so that made me overthink some more.
we hugged and kissed a bit and it was just not a great night last night. he asked if he should go to a friend for the night. i said no. because that doesn't help, does it? he just didn't want to be in all the negative energy but like suck it up. he wanted me to be happy but i told him to give me time because i am not happy. like, he has hurt me and i need time. you know?
i'm also just.. idk.. had i had clear fucking evidence that he has cheated on me i'd ditch him straight away. beacuse i can't stay with someone who has done such a horrible thing to me. i have before and it's impossible. now i don't know if he has cheated on me. he says he hasn't and he swears on his family (which is extremely important to him) but it's also just words, isn't it? i guess i'll just let this blow over and if i ever see anything like this again or if i ever catch him cheating on me that's it. that is fucking it. you know?
a part of me is scared he's just saying all of this because he's scared of the consequences. maybe he wants to be with me, yeah? otherwise i guess he hadn't. but maybe he does want some fucking side piece or whatever while he's with me. i don't know? he knows i'd leave him. and that i would tell his family which will bring great shame on EVERYONE in his family, not just him. he would maybe lose our home. etc.
at the same time i'm thinking... what if he didn't do anything shady and everything is exactly how he says it is? that must be hard for him as well when i accuse and am suspicious of his every move etc etc. it's suffocating. but idk.
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19
maybe he hasn't cheated, but it might be a gray area which most ppl in monogamous relationship wouldn't be okay with. 
