fml - Forum - Virtual Popstar

Private
Princess of Pop

Arthema wrote:
I do get him being upset over you accusing you over this, but you bashing yourself over everything else like that, sister ..

take that time apart to rethink everything, REALLY rethink stuff
this does not sound healthy or good, having love is good but a relationship would not work if there's no respect, communication, and trust,
and uh this might sound bad but I'm a straightforward type of gal and I'm going to say it straight.

From what you've written, it sounds like you guys only got love, there's no respect, no communication, no good foundation for anything, and at this rate it won't go very far.
Him basically gaslighting you by warning you of his possessive ex, that mind you, most women that are like that imo, have very valid reasons and are not just crazy and not actually possessive, and him making your feelings seem invalid and making YOU feel invalid, then you getting extremely paranoid, and actually saying you don't trust him at all; how can you date a person, go out with a person, sleep with them, if you have no trust in them?

overall this thing is so not stable and bad for you, though I do not know or have the whole picture, this is just.... yeah no.
in a way, I can totally relate to you, I am also torn and so anxious over my relationship situation, but we're communicating or trying to as best as we can, given that we're both not well mentally but there's work from both our sides, and despite us being in a low state rn, and our relationship being long distance, there's an effort from both sides,
and you deserve the effort you're putting into him, if not more.

From your posts, it really seems like you just... care.
you care so much and love him so much, otherwise, you wouldn't be here freaking the fuck out every time something happened, and you truly value him and the relationship, but if previous and current relationships have ever taught me something, is that you should love or at least value yourself as well, if not more,
you deserve someone who'll try more for you, that won't make you go crazy over such small stuff and that would value you the way you deserve.

Private
National Star

kagura wrote:

cobain wrote:
i have reached a new low. i am not well in the head and just cause problems for those around me. you can't live with me and i don't know why i put people through being with me. i have fucked up badly

yesterday at work he asked me if i can transfer money to him and i'll get it in cash. quite a decent amount of money. i said yes, didn't think much of it until a bit later on my way home. it didn't really make sense to me. it sounded shady. he has a business and a few months ago me, him and this person he has the business with drank and they talked about tax fraud and whatever. i can't remember if he ever said he had a part in it but whatever, i didn't think about it again until yesterday.
i called him and asked why he needed the money on his bank account or whatever. i should've stopped there and just let him explain. but before he even said anything i said it sounded a bit weird. he explained, he asked what i meant by it being weird so i mentioned money laundering. but since he explained i agreed to doing it but he said i didn't need to if i thought it was weird, he'd ask someone else.
we didn't talk after that yesterday.

today at work he was super strange to me. like avoided me, barely looked at me. cold. off. strange. i asked him several times if everything was good and he just said yes but kept being strange. i understood it was because of yesterday but i didn't fully understand why he would've gotten so upset over it (ofc i understood that suspecting someone of money laundering isn't appreciated. esp not your boyfriend but somehow i didn't think it was this bad). i've had to leave the floor several times because i was close to tears and it has not been good today. not at all.

i asked him to call me once i got home. so he called me a bit later. i asked if he was fine and he said yes, i asked him if he's sure and he asked me what i thought. i told him he'd been very weird to me all day. so we got into that. again, i have fucked up badly. he questioned why i should be with someone i don't trust and why he should be with someone who doesn't trust him. questioned how i could even think of him in that way, that he'd do something like that and so on. i explained to him why the thought had even crossed my mind, that talk about tax fraud and stuff, and he was like "so you've thought of me in that way for 4 months?" and i told him no. he asked if i thought of him like that just because he's not swedish. of course i said no, i would've been equally as suspicious of a swedish person in this exact situation. god idk. we talked some more. he said he had gotten extremely upset yesterday. he said he thinks of my heart but when i asked that question i didn't think of his. how that made him feel. he said that never in his life has anyone ever accused him of anything like that, but I could. his GIRLFRIEND.
i apologized to him, i told him i'd fucked up badly. i told him i love him so much and he said he loves me too. he said he needs a few days and it'll be forgotten, but i hurt him and i undesrtand that. i started to cry, he tried getting me to stop. we said we love each other some more. weekend plans are off because he doesn't want to see me right now and i understand that. he said he'll call me when he quits work tomorrow.

i have cried for 2 hours straight. had a fullblown panic attack. what was i even thinking? who the fuck am i? accusing my own boyfriend of money laundering? what the fuck? how could i not think of his feelings yesterday? literally? how dumb can you be?
god i love this man so much and i am no good for him. awlays causing problems. always talking out of my ass. just. no fucking good.

you have literally done nothing wrong. if somebody no matter who asks if you're doing something shady with money, your reaction should be laughing it off. unless you're actually doing something shady, then getting mad is expected reaction
but he's right about one thing, why you are with him if can't trust him and all he does is making you feel shit about yourself? please, just leave now. that's only gonna get worse

Cobain
International Star

cobain wrote:
can't stop crying again
he didn't call me yesterday but maybe he changed his mind about it. he sent me a snap early this morning, just of his bed, that's all. i called him 6h ago and he hasn't called back or. anything
like i get if he needs space. he might not want to talk to me. but i'm so sad and i'm so scared he's gonna want to break up with me and like i don't know i love him so much and i understand if he's sick of me but i just love him so much

Private
Minister of Pop

Heartbroken wrote:
dude you deserve better.

Private
National Star

Sobbing wrote:
i think ive told you this before but you shouldn't be a relationship until you've dealt with yourself, get investigated on possible bpd because from what you're describing it is very likely that you might be affected

Private
International Star

sapovnela wrote:
girl please get a hold of yourself and leave that relationship because it just makes you suffer and i wish you'd realize and listen to what other people have said. it's simply not worth it. he's making you at fault instead of talking things out like two adults would and you love him enough to believe that you're the one messing things up when in reality all i can see is him not respecting you enough to try and make things work. your efforts are useless and you should just simply end things with him before the relationship ends you lol

Private
National Star

Sobbing wrote:

sapovnela wrote:
girl please get a hold of yourself and leave that relationship because it just makes you suffer and i wish you'd realize and listen to what other people have said. it's simply not worth it. he's making you at fault instead of talking things out like two adults would and you love him enough to believe that you're the one messing things up when in reality all i can see is him not respecting you enough to try and make things work. your efforts are useless and you should just simply end things with him before the relationship ends you lol

this is like going on /r/relationship_advice
stories like these are always onesided and there is no possible way of you drawing a conclusion as to what her partner is like, what their dynamic is like and if there is possible information being left out

Cobain
International Star

cobain wrote:

Sobbing wrote:
i think ive told you this before but you shouldn't be a relationship until you've dealt with yourself, get investigated on possible bpd because from what you're describing it is very likely that you might be affected

i don't want a bpd diagnosis, ppl are gonna look at me differently and judge me just because of a diagnosis. i don't know if i have it, ngl i meet many of the criterias but... i don't even know how to get an investigation going

Cobain
International Star

cobain wrote:
he still hasn't called me back or said anything at all
i sent him a snap just now. just a black pic and a fire emoji bc our streak was about to end. idk
i've slept really badly. woke up at like 4ish and saw he was active on messenger so

i don't think this is right of him to do. just. distancing himself like this after a conflict. exactly like he did with all the jealousy shit we went through. leaving me to wonder if he's gonna break up with me etc.
if he doesn't break up with me i'm gonna let things calm down and i'll bring this up with him, that he can't do that do me. i understand if he'd need space after a conflict and stuff, but then he'll have to communicate that with me

Cobain
International Star

cobain wrote:
when we talked on thursday about me fucking up, he actually said that it was good we didn't talk on wednesday (that day where i basically accused him of money laundering) bc he would've broken up with me because he was so upset

maybe he's had time to think and wants to break up with me anyways
maybe he's talked to his friends and they tell him to break up with me. i'm so embarrassed. i don't know if he talks to his friends about me and what happens in our relationship, but if he does.... they are 100% gonna hate me. which sucks. we have plans with them n stuff but i'll feel like i'll never be able to see them if they know about everythnig

Private
Popstar

ouch wrote:

cobain wrote:

Sobbing wrote:
i think ive told you this before but you shouldn't be a relationship until you've dealt with yourself, get investigated on possible bpd because from what you're describing it is very likely that you might be affected

i don't want a bpd diagnosis, ppl are gonna look at me differently and judge me just because of a diagnosis. i don't know if i have it, ngl i meet many of the criterias but... i don't even know how to get an investigation going

Im pretty sure nobody will see u have a diagnosis except maybe your doctor, but that requires them to have read ur papers which they might not

Private
Minister of Pop

Heartbroken wrote:

ouch wrote:

cobain wrote:

Sobbing wrote:
i think ive told you this before but you shouldn't be a relationship until you've dealt with yourself, get investigated on possible bpd because from what you're describing it is very likely that you might be affected

i don't want a bpd diagnosis, ppl are gonna look at me differently and judge me just because of a diagnosis. i don't know if i have it, ngl i meet many of the criterias but... i don't even know how to get an investigation going

Im pretty sure nobody will see u have a diagnosis except maybe your doctor, but that requires them to have read ur papers which they might not

getting diagnosed with bpd is a long process, im currently in it so. i would start by mentioning it to my doctor and getting referred to a therpist where they would do a thoruough exam

Cobain
International Star

cobain wrote:
ok so he didn't break up with me. lol.
we worked together both yesterday and today and it's been good. he's been his usual self, flirting with me, joking around etc. so that's been nice (ended up 1h late to work today tho. i overslept since i couldn't sleep due to overthinking last night sukjhdfkj like i had fights with him in my head and made up scenarios of him cheating on me n shit. same old)

i made up a plan yesterday that i'd ask him to call me today once he was back from work and then i'd ask him if i could come over. if he said yes i would address some issues with him f2f, if he said no i'd address them in the call.
so a friend was coming over, so i couldn't come. made me disappointed. he noticed and was like "i can see you wanna hit me rn". i told him i wasn't angry, but that i expect more in a relationship, basically.
i told him that i need my boyfriend to have the time for me, i need to be prioritized sometimes and not just be an afterthought. he seemed to understand, said it was his fault. he told me he can't say no to people like at work or his friends. so i told him that he can say no to his gf without any issues whatsoever but he can't say no to anyone else. i think that struck him a bit, which was my intention lol. i hope he realized how fucked that actually is. i mentioned to him how we saw each other more back when he lived out of town than now when we're living 10 mins apart. fucked upppppp.
he also said that his ex and him had a long distance relationship so obviously they didn't see each other very much, so his friends are used to him having a lot of time and they're used to hanging out a lot. i told him to tell them that it's different now when he lives close to his gf. goes without saying tho, i think he said that just to shift the blame a bit but whatever lol. he told me he'd talk to them about it.
i also talked about how i need more attention generally and i need to be sure of his feelings and his intentions with me. i shouldn't have to think so fucking much in a relationship cause i'm already thinking enough as is, i shouldn't have to be unsure of my own fucking boyfriends feelings and thoughts!!!!!!!! and he agreed, told me again that it was his bad, his fault. i told him it's not enough to just say to someone that you love them, you need to show it as well. he agreed, he said like "you're my girlfriend and i love you so much, of course i want you to be happy"
idk we probably talked about smth more that i'm forgetting rn but like it was a good talk tbh, i was very calm and collected and i tried to not sound blaming. just telling him what i need. from like a me-perspective (so not like "ur not doing this" more so "i need this" if u know what i mean. tiktok therapists taught me that recently). we had some catching up talk and some cutesy shit before we hung up too and i feel a bit better.

so now i'll just wait and see if any changes happen
if they do - great
if they don't, i'll bring this up with him again and probably in a much less calm and collected way than i did now. bc then i'll have reason to be angry

Private
Youtube Star

Delusion1111111 wrote:
this relationship is not good for u and i dont think it will ever be good for u . but anyway i hope u do see changes happen and i hope he completely transforms tbh even tho i dont think he will. i literally hate this guy and hate to see u with him.

Private
International Star

Lolinontot wrote:
I think you need to take a step back in this.
You're being so suspicious of him and not really giving him space to breathe.
Contacting him every day, asking him to call you all the time, telling him to pay more attention to you, seeing him at work everyday, constantly talking about your feelings, seemingly not trusting him when he tries to tell you that he loves you, to literally being jealous over how much time he spends with his friends and counting every weekend that you're not together. etc.
If I didn't know better - I'd think you were trying to be controlling.
And that would scare me. Especially if I'd been in a previously controlling relationship - like he has.
If I were him, I'd like to take my distance too, because he probably doesn't want to feel forced by himself to be with you, and now he has to apologise for wanting space without saying that he wants space.
He loves you, but I think you're overwhelming him with your unability to calm yourself down, and constant worry about what he's doing and obsessing over how he's feeling and obsessing over how you're feeling in regards to that .... You're kinda acting like a Helicopter Girlfriend!!!!
You don't even seem to have any faith in him, and you don't seem to have any faith in yourself either.

I'm not saying that he hasn't done things poorly either, like making plans with you and cancelling them on you, or like putting that girl in his instagram bio, or asking for money (which is something that you never should do in any relationship wether romantic or not, cuz that's one sure fire way to suffocate any relationship)

but here's also a thing - People who are cheating on their partner tend to be the one who accuses their partner of cheating, because they project their insecurity onto their partner. Which is one thing that you are kinda currently doing to him, you are making yourself very suspicious, and I think it has to do - again - with the possessive part: You're so insecure of him leaving you that you try to hang onto him, but you're doing it too tightly, darling - you are becoming a noose.
If I were him - I'd take that as a red flag from you.
If I were his friend - I would point that out to him.
I don't think you need to be as worried about this as you think you need.
I feel like he really could just use some space.

A boyfriend is a companion. Not a personal/emotional crutch. You both need to have your own time, and your own lives, and make some time to enjoy eachothers companionship. He shouldn't be carrying you, and you shouldn't be carrying him, atleast not all day every day. You can push eachother up and show eachother love but you need to be able to let eachother fly freely sometimes too. You can't just cage eachother and hope it get's better - that's unhealthy.

As much as I'd love for you to have a happy relationship - this one currently isn't it; for neither of you. The relationship is going to tear both of you apart at this rate.
The only way that I can see you and him fixing this is If you both take some time apart and think about yourselves for a bit, and If so - I think you should let him make contact instead of asking him where he is all the time. Just calm down a little.

Either that ^ or go to therapy.