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cobain wrote:
sorry i'm just gonna rant here for a bit
i've only slept 4 hours in total the last idk probs 55h at this point
so i've basically lived at my bf's place the last couple of days. been really nice and i enjoy it
although i noticed he had started talking to some girl on snap and i didn't recognize her name, never heard about her before or seen him talk to her. they only had a 3 day streak, right. they talk a lot tho. i asked him who it was and he told me, it was like a childhood friend and they (together with a group) play some game together. alright.
he called some friends that night. he's writing a book and he said he reads the new parts to them once in a while. but to me it looked like he was only in a conversation with her. but... i actually don't know
thursday night he fell asleep very early and i tried sleeping too but couldn't. he woke up at midnight so we went up. he started playing with his friends and i tried sleeping (bc i had work early in the morning) but i just couldn't fall asleep. my bf throws around "baby" a lot lol.... and i kinda dislike that (or... for some specific ppl at least). he had airpods and i could only hear a girls voice, idk if that's bc it's just higher but it made me overthink a lot. then hearing him say "baby" every now and then. also speaking in arabic so i don't understand anything other than baby. idk i just got a bad feeling about it. earlier i had also catched a glimpse of their group convo at insta and saw this girls name and a heart after it. i don't have insta so idk how everything looks on there but it looked like it was part of his insta name. but at the time i didn't really think much of it (as i said, i don't know insta).
basically couldn't sleep all night. i went up to him every now and then and laid in his lap, but it only made me overthink even more for some reason. eventually i fell asleep but i had to get up an hour later.
left for work and he slept during the day. i came to him after work at night and we went out with two other coworkers for a while. came back home and i was already kinda anxious and hoped he'd go to bed with me. but he went straight to playing that game. i told him i really wanted him to sleep with me and he told me he'd come to bed in an hour (mind you, it was already like 1am).
i tossed and turned in the bed, trying my hardest to sleep, but i COULDNT. AGAIN. went out for a smoke or two. came back to bed and started crying a lot. at this point it had been more than an hour and i texted him asking if he'd come to me once he's done. he said yes. but idk 30 mins passed, i was still crying and he never came. so i went up to him. he was like "nooo baby why are u crying", he was in the middle of a game but ended it straight away. i told him i was sooo tried but couldn't sleep, and that i had a 12h shift in the morning n stuff. he took me to bed and said we'll try falling asleep together. and yeah we fell asleep but after an hour he woke up, which woke me up. and so he went back to gaming again. i was rly scared i'd not be able to fall asleep again but i did, thank god.Â
he was still playing when i got up
so... on my break at work i let the psycho take over and i checked his insta profile AND SURELY ENOUGH. IN HIS NAME THERE IS HER NAME AND A HEART (and princess emoji). so i started literally shaking and called him straight away. i started lowkey crying and he asked me several times what was up. i told him that he had her name and a heart on insta and he told me that when they play, they give each other punishments for the one who loses n shit (and yeah he actually told me about that yesterday but never said anything about her name being there). so that was his punishment. apparently. idk why he didn't tell me tho, maybe bc i don't have insta so i wouldn't be able to see it but i am not comfortable with that either way.
and i told him i'm sorry several times bc i feel like such a psycho. like jealous and annoying?? and he was like "when i video chatted with the group yesterday i showed you and you said hello to them, do u think i'd show my girlfriend my other girlfriend" and i mean... he's right.... i didn't think of that when i was all up in my overthinking and anxiousness. i said sorry some more, said to him i feel like shit and that i'm anxious and literal sleep deprivation doesn't help lmao.Â
i've been scared all day that he's mad at me. but before we ended the call he talked to me about some plans for next week so... no.... lol.... and i know he had a busy day today
pls make me shut the hell up bc i'm gonna ruin this relationship in no time
but i am planning to talk to him about my jealousy and insecurities once i feel calmer and i'm not in such an emotional state. like seriously tell him about my past experiences and why i act the way i do etc. not that it's an excuse, i need to work on myself and i know that. but we should also set boundaries. i'm gonna talk to him about it
sorry i'm just gonna rant here for a bit
i've only slept 4 hours in total the last idk probs 55h at this point
so i've basically lived at my bf's place the last couple of days. been really nice and i enjoy it
although i noticed he had started talking to some girl on snap and i didn't recognize her name, never heard about her before or seen him talk to her. they only had a 3 day streak, right. they talk a lot tho. i asked him who it was and he told me, it was like a childhood friend and they (together with a group) play some game together. alright.
he called some friends that night. he's writing a book and he said he reads the new parts to them once in a while. but to me it looked like he was only in a conversation with her. but... i actually don't know
thursday night he fell asleep very early and i tried sleeping too but couldn't. he woke up at midnight so we went up. he started playing with his friends and i tried sleeping (bc i had work early in the morning) but i just couldn't fall asleep. my bf throws around "baby" a lot lol.... and i kinda dislike that (or... for some specific ppl at least). he had airpods and i could only hear a girls voice, idk if that's bc it's just higher but it made me overthink a lot. then hearing him say "baby" every now and then. also speaking in arabic so i don't understand anything other than baby. idk i just got a bad feeling about it. earlier i had also catched a glimpse of their group convo at insta and saw this girls name and a heart after it. i don't have insta so idk how everything looks on there but it looked like it was part of his insta name. but at the time i didn't really think much of it (as i said, i don't know insta).
basically couldn't sleep all night. i went up to him every now and then and laid in his lap, but it only made me overthink even more for some reason. eventually i fell asleep but i had to get up an hour later.
left for work and he slept during the day. i came to him after work at night and we went out with two other coworkers for a while. came back home and i was already kinda anxious and hoped he'd go to bed with me. but he went straight to playing that game. i told him i really wanted him to sleep with me and he told me he'd come to bed in an hour (mind you, it was already like 1am).
i tossed and turned in the bed, trying my hardest to sleep, but i COULDNT. AGAIN. went out for a smoke or two. came back to bed and started crying a lot. at this point it had been more than an hour and i texted him asking if he'd come to me once he's done. he said yes. but idk 30 mins passed, i was still crying and he never came. so i went up to him. he was like "nooo baby why are u crying", he was in the middle of a game but ended it straight away. i told him i was sooo tried but couldn't sleep, and that i had a 12h shift in the morning n stuff. he took me to bed and said we'll try falling asleep together. and yeah we fell asleep but after an hour he woke up, which woke me up. and so he went back to gaming again. i was rly scared i'd not be able to fall asleep again but i did, thank god.Â
he was still playing when i got up
so... on my break at work i let the psycho take over and i checked his insta profile AND SURELY ENOUGH. IN HIS NAME THERE IS HER NAME AND A HEART (and princess emoji). so i started literally shaking and called him straight away. i started lowkey crying and he asked me several times what was up. i told him that he had her name and a heart on insta and he told me that when they play, they give each other punishments for the one who loses n shit (and yeah he actually told me about that yesterday but never said anything about her name being there). so that was his punishment. apparently. idk why he didn't tell me tho, maybe bc i don't have insta so i wouldn't be able to see it but i am not comfortable with that either way.
and i told him i'm sorry several times bc i feel like such a psycho. like jealous and annoying?? and he was like "when i video chatted with the group yesterday i showed you and you said hello to them, do u think i'd show my girlfriend my other girlfriend" and i mean... he's right.... i didn't think of that when i was all up in my overthinking and anxiousness. i said sorry some more, said to him i feel like shit and that i'm anxious and literal sleep deprivation doesn't help lmao.Â
i've been scared all day that he's mad at me. but before we ended the call he talked to me about some plans for next week so... no.... lol.... and i know he had a busy day today
pls make me shut the hell up bc i'm gonna ruin this relationship in no time
but i am planning to talk to him about my jealousy and insecurities once i feel calmer and i'm not in such an emotional state. like seriously tell him about my past experiences and why i act the way i do etc. not that it's an excuse, i need to work on myself and i know that. but we should also set boundaries. i'm gonna talk to him about it
19
 are you sure the girl knows abt u?
