i need help or something - Forum

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bee wrote:
im afraid of being lonely without him. im already so lonely. i have no friends. i have no one. i live with three people i call me family, but they are not. i will be all alone. is that better than this pain?

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scoff wrote:
Taking care of yourself and your own mental health isn't a selfish or bad thing to do, you know? Sometimes that's just what you've gotta do. If you're in a situation and you really can't handle that situation and have the possibility to leave that situation, then maybe that's what you have to in order to survive yourself.

Think about it.

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bee wrote:

scoff wrote:
Taking care of yourself and your own mental health isn't a selfish or bad thing to do, you know? Sometimes that's just what you've gotta do. If you're in a situation and you really can't handle that situation and have the possibility to leave that situation, then maybe that's what you have to in order to survive yourself.

Think about it.

i think you are right. everyone here is right. i need to let go. im gonna go visit him on sunday and i should just get it over with rigth, theres no reason to wait, it will only make it more painful. now i just need to figure out what to say and how to say it

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bee wrote:
im afraid of being lonely without him. im already so lonely. i have no friends. i have no one. i live with three people i call me family, but they are not. i will be all alone. is that better than this pain?

Its okay to be afraid. It's okay to be scared of being lonely. That's very human but you're also brave. You know what may create a better outcome for yourself, yo just have to take that leap and have faith in that it will turn out okay. Taking a break from your bf doesn't mean you have to stop being friends. If you can, try to agree on still staying in touch even though it isn't with the commitments a relationship may carry.

I also know how it is to feel alone and be lonely. Maybe this can be a space where you can cultivate more trust in yourself without others, to become more comfortable in your own presence? But also, see if you can find something where you can meet new people or take contact with old ones that still is in your city. Try to find a dream outside of him.

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bee wrote:

Nesta wrote:

bee wrote:
im afraid of being lonely without him. im already so lonely. i have no friends. i have no one. i live with three people i call me family, but they are not. i will be all alone. is that better than this pain?

Its okay to be afraid. It's okay to be scared of being lonely. That's very human but you're also brave. You know what may create a better outcome for yourself, yo just have to take that leap and have faith in that it will turn out okay. Taking a break from your bf doesn't mean you have to stop being friends. If you can, try to agree on still staying in touch even though it isn't with the commitments a relationship may carry.

I also know how it is to feel alone and be lonely. Maybe this can be a space where you can cultivate more trust in yourself without others, to become more comfortable in your own presence? But also, see if you can find something where you can meet new people or take contact with old ones that still is in your city. Try to find a dream outside of him.

thank you for your words. everything you say makes sense. im also planning on working a lot with myself, like for real, and i have already gotten in contact with two old friends, which is really nice.

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bee wrote:
i saw him yesterday. i had practiced what to say to him a million times in my head, but the words never came out of my mouth. i didnt want to lose him. i thought, maybe i can go through this still. i know i cant, but i couldnt admit it in that moment when i was finally laying in his arms again. i didnt want it to ever be over. we spend the evening together and when we said goodbye, he said 'see you' but i knew i had just kissed him for the last time. it took all i had in me to go visit him and not break down, and i cant do it again. when im done writing here i will write him a long message where i explain everything, and then it will all be over. my heart is completely broken and i dont think i will ever get over him.

you have all been so sweet to me and i thought you deserved an update after helping me so much. i wanted to say thank you to everyone who has written in this thread. you helped me when i needed it more than ever. because of you i was able to get my thoughts straight and realize what i needed to do. im thankful that you all took time out of your lives to help me. it means so much to me. thank you.

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Bloodflowers wrote:
it honestly makes me feel like i'm living in a completely different world when i'm reading this and don't see why it's a problem

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bee wrote:

Bloodflowers wrote:
it honestly makes me feel like i'm living in a completely different world when i'm reading this and don't see why it's a problem

thats exactly the problem. i shouldnt be reacting this way, but i am because im too mentally unstable to handle the situation the right way. im too mentally unstable to even be in a relationship, and have been for a long while now, but i was just recently able to admit that to myself.

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bee wrote:
n e wayssssssssss i totally fucked everything up haha
i was like in this really bad state where i was totally delusional and it happens once in a while, but it had been like that for maybe a week so i didnt even realise i wasnt thinking straight anymore. so yea i wrote this long message to my boyfriend where i explained everything in a really dramatic way and i said things like 'thanks for loving me and thanks for letting me love you' and 'i will always love you' and 'its over now but i hope its not over forever' and i really made it seem like i was breaking up with him even though i was just suggesting a break for a few month. but like, in that moment i truly believed this was the end for us, because i thought he would realize how much better he is doing without me, so i needed to say all those things as a last goodbye.
i sent it late at night and he replied that he didnt want me to worry about him and that he would answer properly the next day, and then i didnt hear from him in two days dsvfsjsnglsdjfnjk. and at this point i was at my right mind again and had realize how absolutely stupid and unnecessary my message was. so i felt i had completely fucked up and ruined everything. bc it didnt have to be this dramatic, i could just have been 'hey i need to work on my mental health and i think it would be good if we took some time apart' lmao.
turns out he started new medication and he has been doing not good at all, so thats why it took him two days to respond. i wanted to explain everything while not being delusional and also tell him i was delusional and thats why i wrote all that shit, so he was gonna call me today, but he had a rly bad day, understandable, but maybe tomorrow i can make things right again...

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bee wrote:
also had the worst week maybe in my whole life and i was not right in my mind at all. but it made me realize how low im doing and that i seriously need help. so im going to start therapy and probably meds too and im really gonna try and work towards a better life for myself, and a life where i can be with my boyfriend.

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bee wrote:
just making a last update like anyone cares <3
i was finally able to talk to him today. i had to wait a lot for him to be able and it felt like hell, wanting to tell him so many things and explain my actions.
i had gone over everything i wanted to say to him in my head at least a hundred times and i actually ended up saying almost everything. a few things i forgot to mention but they werent as important.
i was able to open up and tell him how i feel and i told him things i have never told anyone. im very proud of myself.
he was so understanding and supportive which i wouldnt never expect from him when he is in such a bad place himself. but he told me it was alright and i should take my time and that he wants to be with me when im ready again. i really needed to hear those words. i had convinced myself that is was all over now, but its not and i feel like so much anxiety that i had build up since i send the long message finally left me.
we ended things in a good way and we decided to talk again in two months and see how we are both doing then and update each other.
it hurts that it has to be this way but i know its for the best and it feels like the right thing to do. i will now do everything i can to get better and use this time alone to heal and grow.